In my mind....

Response to yet another anonymous comment

2008-05-12T21:27:00.004+02:00

To "Anonymous" who posted in my last blog entry.

I do not understand what point you are trying to make by thinking my spelling has anything to do with my spiritual status or the pedastil on which you feel I stand

My english may not be the greatest and I do not feel I am higher or proudful of my thoughts and actions. On the contrary, I am everyday scared and frustrated by all of this and I feel very alone in this walk.

It is funny that the only books I read are christian books. I hold books written by Andrew Murray, Charles Finney, John Wesley, Jonothan Edwards and many other great revivalists. I enjoy reading letters from the early church fathers and have actually picked up my dusty bible once again in the past 2 months. So your argument on what I read fell a bit flat there. Majority of my reading and research are on the topic of christianity and done my christian authors.

Your comment left about my current state is nothing in which I will argue. As a matter of fact I tend to agree with what you say and I have heard the same thing through a few responses. Do yourself the favor and read through some of the responses.

My comments on the last topic were risen due to some church services I have recently visited as well as some good friends of mine.

My frustration lies with the church today. This is why I am still captivated by God and have not thrown my bible away. I read what God intended for us and I have realised where I fall short. The problem is when I read these books by early christian writers and revivalists, as well as my bible, a lot of things in the church dont make sense. As well as its people.

One of the reasons I left the church was due to the fact that ther was no power in peoples preaching and people carried on in their daily lives the same as everyone else, but felt the right to preach. I could not live like that, hence the struggle with the church and its people.

When is this "greatest failure"? My friend, I have tried to put as best in to writing the way in which my soul has cried and ached on the past. Bearing in my mind that my spelling is "atrocious" and I struggle to put my thoughts into words, nothing I say can describe what I went through in the 6 months after I walked away from God.

My greatest failure and struggle in my life was the time I walked away! It is something I have tried to forget but I cant.

I'm going to end by saying this.

I'm am not athiest, but I am not christian yet. I hold a belief and a desire for God. I do hold the desire for the christian God. It does burn in me but it is a struggle I am going through. I cannot deny God, but I cannot deny the things I have seen in this world.

I want God to be real, but just because I want Him to be, doesn't mean he is!

Delusion of Christians in their perception to the world

2008-05-01T18:39:00.004+02:00

One thing that never siezes to amaze me is the way christians seem to be so ignorant to what is really happening in the world.

There always seems to be some biblical answer to everything, if there is not, we need to just have faith in God that he knows best and does everything for a reason.

They have created such an illusion in everything that they seem to always "praise God" for anything that happens. For christians God is the reason everything happens. Yet when something bad happens ,it was not God's will.

I have tried going back to church a few times but I am so tired of the whole "dreamy, head high up in the clouds" attitude.

After leaving the church , I went into some really dark places and I am happy to say that my eyes were opened to a whole other world that is completely different to what christians percieve it to be.

I am also tired of how christians preach as though they know exactly what the world is. Yet most of these people I have found in church have never really experienced anything in the world that would make their conversion and lifestyle anything significant.

"I was a sinner" , "I was lost" "without God there would be no point in living" are a few statements made. Yet when you query their lifestyle before they were christian, they were not much different.

I am not saying all christians are the same. Some of them have been raped, molested, been involved in drugs, drinking, anything you would like to conjure up. I do not see any reason in which a faith in God can be bad if it helps as a crutch and has made their lives for the better.

I look of websites and upcoming events in south africa and I see all these "life changing" conferences coming up. There us this "Passion" tour coming in South africa. When I was still in my youth group I remember these events had the same tags! "Life changing","Revival", they all had a "vision" that they were going to carry out for God.

For the past 8 years I have heard the word revival so many times it has become redundant. "Now is the time for revival", yeah, they said that 2 years ago. They are so convinced that God is moving in the world, gees, from my side I see it getting worse!

If you really look at the church, as I have seen in the past few years, all that happens is that people come and go. The numbers stay the same. One person leaves, another one joins. Give him a few months and he will also leave.

I was crying revival 5 years ago when everyone was convinced there was a huge movement of the Holy Spirit and the whole area was going to experience it! People were crying revival and change when the movie "The passion of Christ" came out. I remember people on the TV were telling us how the movie was going to change the world.

Carry on.... Carry on babbling in tongues, carry on convincing yourself that the Holy Spirit is moving. Carry on in your belief that the whole world is lost without you. Carry on in your belief that the world is hurting.

Carry on in your delusion that you are usefull to this world, because you have become so self centred in your opinions and so segregated from the world, there is really no use for you anymore. I dont think the world would notice if you disappeared. You were never there anyway!

Carry on....

Response to Comment on " Flashbacks"

2008-04-06T18:43:00.003+02:00

Just a quick response to Steve Heye's comment under my "Flashbacks" blog.

The query was this:

"I've been doing some research into the charismatic movement but I cannot find anyone who is willing to tell me about the charismatic movement in the Methodist church, and I wondered if you would mind helping me by telling me a bit about the church you were in, and where it was and what they did. If you think this will be too painful for you, I don't want to press you or anything. But it would help me a lot in my research if you would say something about it. "

My History may be slightly inaccurate on the methodist church as I have not been looking into it much as of late so I do apologise beforehand

It was founded by John Wesley. Now the Methodist is generally accepted as being very conservative in nature. John Wesley lived his life close to the word of God and was very methodical in his living. He would wake up at 4am to pray and would go to sleep the same time every night. He had structure in everything he did. Hence when he started up a revival, people who fell under his preaching became known as methodists.

I would think in my church and in other churches the same seemed to happen. We had the older congregation who resorted to hym's and "old style" church which seemed to be have been the same since the middle ages.

Yet, the youth in any church will get bored with this and look for more excitement.People get bored today too quickly. The church try to keep up with the world finding other ways to draw people in. The want to make God more personal .

It all started at our church when I came back from YWAM(Youth With A Mission), a mission group of all denonimations spread around the world. I had done my 6 month stint here in South Africa. Our Youth Leader had come from there aswell.

Now before I went I was strict in the word reading it daily and diligently. I believed strongly in evangelism and did not think much of the charismatic movement such as tongues, being slain in the spirit, etc. When I went to YWAM a whole other side was shown to me. People jumping, shouting, talking in tongues, falling over. This scared me a bit! I resisted all of this and carried on following the God I knew in the bible. Eventually I gave into this.

My youth leader and myself introduced this to the youth and it seemed to take off like a bomb. Seemed like (as it always does) that a revival was upon us. People in our youth were being slain in the spirit and were talking in tongues. This then creeped into the older congregation(those who were open to it)

It seemed to make us more accepted amongst more charismatic churches in the aread and therefore had youth rallies and met regularlily.

I found this is when I began to struggle in my faith. I couldnt seem to connect with God. It felt like that unless I had a physical reaction God was not moving. I could not figure out if I was really under the spirit or wether I was doing it myself.

One thing I definatly noticed was that people began to stop reading their bibles and relied more on what God was saying to them or how they were feeling. The doctrine seemed to step in that we needed to rely on the spirit.

There is no doubt that many churches such as the methodists are very hard at heart, black and white, bible bashing christians who need to break free in the grace of God but on the other end it seems that many churches are forgetting God's word and are moving into this realm of feeling and emotion and relying on what they "feel". A mans mind and heart is a dangerous playground and people need to be careful.

I dont know if I answered your question and I can expand more on what happened in these meetings and "soaking sessions" as we used to call them .

Anyway, Ill delve a little more into this subject after giving it a bit more thought

Flashbacks

2008-01-30T21:27:00.000+02:00

Hi There

I know its been a long time. Well a lot has been up. Just thought I would drop a small comment.

Those of you who have read through my blogs would know the road I have walked.

Well I was just browsing on the internet and accidently stumbled across a post I made about 3 years ago. It is my testimony on my "deconversion"

I thought an update was due. You can see the original site here.

Here is what I posted, just to give you guys a picture about where I am at the moment.

"Hey, to anyone thats reads this.

This this Mark Fouche, the one that posted this testimony. I probably did this about 2-3 years ago.

Thanks to ALL your responses, they all made some contribution in my life.Just to keep you on the update, its been a LONG road. I mean things just didnt stop where I thought I might have wanted it to!

My thoughts and doubts and faith didnt stop , it carried on and my mind became even more boggled. There was a time where i became very indifferent of everything and couldnt care but it did not last long.I tried going to church a few times again, yet everytime I went I struggled and I could not listen to the preacher because I almost felt like he didnt know what he was talking about.

I tried reading my bible but then my logic would step back in and would break it down.

I could not resort to athiesm, something inside of me stil creates this burning for something more.

In some sense I have the feeling that I am missing something, almost like there is something not clicking into place. It is that same feeling that you have when you have forgotten the name of a song and you cannot remember it. You try and forget it but it bugs you the whole day. Its like your so close to finding it out you cannot just put it aside.

Something is wrong somewhere and I dont know what it is. I fear the fires of hell everyday yet my mind convinces me that God cannot exist. I am in such turmoil.I am becoming even more aware about how much shorter my life is looking.

Life does not seem an eternity anymore, it feels so delicate that it could disappear any minute.Im not back in church, I dont know if im christian, ive forgoten all the teachings but still know what matters.

I dont really know what to say."

Nofx live in South Africa

2007-11-11T11:05:00.000+02:00

Last night I had the chance to go and watch Nofx play live at the Wavehouse in Durban, South Africa. They are doing some sort of tour around the world taking video footage of some strange and weird places and for somehow, South Africa got caught up in it?

Lets just say it was awesome and I really awesome. They were opened up by Fuzigish at about 20H30 and then Nofx started at about ten finishing off at about 23H30. They played in Capetown on Friday night and will be going through to Joburg on to play on Monday and Tuesday night. Tickets have already sold out for the monday night!

There lineup of songs included ," Franco Un-American", "Linoleum", "Something Stickin' in my eye", "Leaving Jesusland" and of course "Leave it alone" among many others.

The mosh pit started the moment that first chord was struck and it was utter chaos! I thought it would die down but it didnt. I was in and out because it became fucking hard to breath. The whole thing was in a marquee that could not have been higher than two people. They played on the skate ramp so all the dust got kicked up and choked the place.

I must say the guys were pretty funny on stage and gave quite a few laughs.

The evening was cut short because the PA Blew or something. So as we all screaming out "Dont Call me white", the sound got cut and they had to stop. It took a while for it to sink in that they were finished and people slowly started leaving.

I just hope Nofx take this experience of playing in south africa as a good one and open the doors more bands to come through. I am still hoping to see bands like Antiflag, Pennywise and Bad Religion. Will just have to see I guess!

Thanks Nofx, fucking awesome!

Fuck it, I'm Back!

2007-11-09T20:25:00.000+02:00

Hah! I didnt think I would ever blog again but I think I have been ables to gather a few lines of entertainment to put together some sort of blog.

I think I will start blogging again, well probably not as much as a I used to but I think my rantings and ravings are somewhat a breath of fresh air to those who thought their lives were really uninteresting, well , here I come.

The problem I ran into was that I did not have anything interesting to write about. I am sure you could see the past few blogs and think to yourself "WTF"?

Life hasn't change too much, its alright I guess. Been having some heavy nights and heavy morning hangovers but altogether im happy.

Im not going to say much tonight but will start updating a little more every day. Nofx is playing tomorrow night at the Wavehouse and Im there. Almost didnt buy my ticket, but I got one, and Im going punk in drublic!

Later

Pennywise - Some Videos

2007-06-14T20:16:00.000+02:00

Hey

I dont have much to say other than this weekend is going to be really big due to the fact that everything seems to be happening on this weekend.

-South Africa vs Australia Rugby
-Comrades
-The Living Alarm playing at burn.

So for now I bid you farewell and should be posting many pictures next week on my memorable(by photo's) yer blurred weekend.

I want to leave you some videos of Pennywise which has been one of my longest favourite band to date. They have not posted any videos on their site since their new album release, which I dont know why. I preferred their older stuff but have grown into the new.

If you like fast paced, serious political punk this is the band for you. Most people who listen to Political punk will no doubt have at least one of their cd's lined up in their cd rack.

I think they have been playing for over 15 years now so their are pretty old but they are still striking hard. Some of their cd's include:

-The Fuse
-From The Ashes
-Land of the Free
-Live at the Key Club
-Straight Ahead
-About Time
-Full Circle
-Pennywise
-Unknown Road
-Wildcard

They also release one DVD call "Home movies". Its not too long(about 45 mins) but pretty good to watch. One section called "violence" is pretty funny as it shows people going moggy at shows and starting to go way over the top.

I own most of the CD'S and the DVD so I am proud to say I do support them and dont go around copying their shit. Staying in South Africa sucks because everything has to be imported. So each CD cost me about R220 .(about 30$)

Anyway, if you ask people about punk, this is one name that will always rise. Here are some videos of theirs.

"My God",Those of you who are pretty much against religion or have some sort of problem with it will probably enjoy this song, awesome video to watch.

We all know there is a problem with society now days, this is called society for a reason. Awesome video footage in here.

"Fuck Authority", this video was made for a reason!

"Homesick", once again more politics, awesome videos.

Live "God save the USA",I love this drummer from pennywise, he is still, in my eyes, one of the fastest drummers I have heard around.

They always manage to produce good footage in their videos.

They have slipped into the shadows somewhere because I havent heard from them in a while, but they are still going to be legends for years to come.

Until Monday

-
-

Senses Fail - Band Review

2007-06-12T20:44:00.000+02:00

Ok, I told you I was going to post some videos of a band every week, so heres some more.

This is Senses Fail, a screamo/emo band which have really come out strong in America. I will not go into all the details about them yet due to the fact that I dont know much about them, I just like the music and the videos, sorry.

Anyway, your looking for a band in this genre give them a listen, some of their songs are really awesome but some I find just too poppy and no vibed up enough.Here some videos

"Calling all Cars"

"Buried a lie"(looks like something from "days of our lives"

"Bloody Romance"

"Cant be saved" - I really like this song, video is awesome aswell, bit of a twist ;)

Anyway, there are some videos for you

An Apologetic Theory

2007-06-12T20:09:00.000+02:00

I am so sorry, I have not written anything worthwhile in about 2 weeks now, if not more. Due to my busy schedule and just plain laziness I have siezed writing on this blog. I will (try) start getting back into my routine again.

Nothing major has happened. I have just been keeping busy and I will go through some quick points rounding up how these past 2 weeks have been going.

1)Work is going well, a bit hectic due to the fact a lot of people have been taking off sick and I have had to fill their places during those times. It is all good and well but these guys get payed probably double what I get, so lets just say they get payed that for a very good reason!

2)Carla and I are still strong, things are going well.

3) There is now a digital camera in the house. I am stoked but once again, due to my laziness, I have not even updated my profile picture which is like 2 years old. Let alone what I have been doing these past few weeks.

4)These municipality strikes are pissing me off. I understand what they are striking for but why do they always have to go and fuck everything up in the process. Please grow a brain or just kill yourselves off,no need to fuck everyone elses lives and jobs by doing this.

5)Had Erins 21st this weekend, was pretty fun and was nice seeing her again. Its weird being out of the church for 2 years and not seeing half those for a while. One or two of them reminded me of what put me off the people in the church.

6)Just a thought on religion, nothing much at the moment. I get these waves that really make me want to believe and become christian again. Then I start remembering stuff which hardened my heart at the end of it and the desire is lost. Its an endless circle!

7)I have ordered Requiem for a Dream for myself and hopefully I should get it in the next month or two. I have it on computer but I tell so many people about it but can never lend it to them, so its time I got a copy. I also bought "Armageddon", "End of Days" and "Over the Hedge". Ok... not the wisest buys but I tend to be impulsive at times! Over the Hedge was worth it though. Still wanting to get a copy of "Goodwill Hunting".

8)We watched "Employee of the month" on friday which I thought was awesome. Its different, so its not everyones humour. We then went for drinks, and tequila's and then more drinks. I had to work on Saturday, lets just say It was a "blurry" experience.

9)I have sold my Citi Golf and bought a new car. I am stoked about it. I have bought a Polo Playa 1.4 sport. Those of you who may laugh at me I say Fuck you, I like my car. Unlike a lot of people in this life I actually worked really hard for it. Going from my Citi Golf(payed off) with 195000KM'S on the clock with signs of rust to a car that has 66000km's on the clock and is in warranty, I am happy. It is just another small step up, then I can trade that in for something better, and again, etc etc.

10)This saturday a crowd of us will be going down to Burn on saturday to watch "The Living Alarm" and "Sheepdown" play. It promises to be an awesome evening. I have got R10 off tickets for the door so let me know if your coming! Hope to see a big crowd!

11) I am tired now and I am now going to sleep. Please have a fantastic evening and I will get back into the move of things with my blog,Im sorry.

Cheers

Counting Sheep

2007-05-31T22:20:00.000+02:00

I do apologise for my absence for almost two weeks but I have a very good reason. I am tired! I have not stopped and will probably fall asleep by the time I finish this blog.

That is why I am saying goodnight and I will update this weekend with a few blogs. There just are not enough hours in the day to sleep

ZZZZzzzzzz......

Steve Walsh admits to making bad call!

2007-05-23T21:53:00.000+02:00

I know im carrying on about this rugby, but it's all coming out now. I know its common for people to try and rationlise what happened by blaming other people but I think these points are valid.

Steve Walsh ,the referee admitted that he should have blown the whistle a few times in the last run on saturdays game. If you watch the replay you will see the knock on and hand the hands in the ruck. Then there was also a very questionable forward pass.

Apparently Steve saw the ball knock on, he looked at the touch judge who didnt say anything. There is no way a game carries on playing like that without some sort of mistake happening.

Then there is also the questionable "tackle" of Percy by Habana. I feel that he should have been put in the sin bin for that one. Then they were warned again 2 minutes later. The referee always goes in the locker rooms before hands and prewarns everyone and lets them know what he is not tolerating.

Anyway, Im beating a dead horse. This wont change anything but just might make every Shark supporter feel a little bit better.

Have you thought about this one. Who wanted the Bulls to win badly? Who sponsers the Blue Bulls? Who is the Cup sponsored by? The Vodacom effing meerkat? Hmmm.... someone needs to kill that little prick.

Anyway.

Music Video/Artist Pick

2007-05-23T21:23:00.000+02:00

OK, this is what I am going to do, probably about once a Week I will pick a band whose video I have stumbled across and that I enjoy and post it on this site.

Music is one of the greatest influences on my life and it keeps me going where ever I may be. This wont be your general mainstream music, due to the fact that I have my own tastes mainly sitting in the screamo/emo/punk sections. So please done expect to find Britney Spears in here.

This week I have been listening to a bit of Underoath all over again. I tend to do that, I kill a cd, forget about it, let it collect dust, and then pick it up again when I have through my other music.

Underoath are actually a christian band which is quite interesting due to the fact that most christian music or artists pretty much suck. It was a big struggle for me as a christian listening to the music I did and trying to find artists that support my sort of genre.

Christian bands just dont have what it takes due to the fact that people cannot always relate to what they saying and sometime, for me, I just dont get what they are trying to say. I needed more than what they were saying, at the same time I found their music ability pitiful. The bands that catch me are the ones that deal with issues facing everyperson today.

The lead singer Spencer Chamberlain , moved to Florida just after High School and was left homeless as he had no money. He had a backround of Drug and Emotional abuse and his family were not christian. This is what strikes Underoath into many peoples hearts. They do not consider themselves holy and righteous, but rather they remember who they are. They sing about that so that others can sit and relate through someone who may have more strength than themselves and give it to them through their music,

Christian music does not relate to the non-christian. So what is the point about singing about Jesus and your salvation to someone who cannot understand a word your saying. Someone who has been through drugs, poverty, sexual abuse, bullying, etc etc cannot relate to someone who preaches about how wonderfull their life is. Underoath does just this, they relate to others and are not afraid to show where they have come from and even how screwed up they may be. They are happy, and just like everyone else, are trying to get through life as best as they could in their own way.

Here are some videos of their's, you can see their site here.

This video a life production of their song "It;s dangerous business walking outside your front door" . The video is sung half live and half recorded.

This is the actual video for the song, awesome song this.

Writing on the walls - another favorite song of mine.

Anyway, enjoy the videos if you enjoy hardcore/screamo.... I dont even know what genre to put them in!

I'll blame it on the weatherman!

2007-05-21T20:50:00.000+02:00

I'm wondering if the Sharks game had anything to do with the weather. Seeing as the Bulls winning obviously set off climatic change events sending South Africa in a the ice age only seems too real!

Here is your weather forcast for tomorrow. As I sit here ,the wind is about to blow down my window, my dog is still thawing in the corner after last night and I am seeing real "The day after tomorrow" event unfolding in my very garden.

Minimum

When was the last time you saw so many negative figures in South Africa? I am actually having a growing concern on the state of our climate. In Summer everyone was burning to a crisp and everyday it felt like an oven, wether you were in an airconditioned office or not.

Picture doesn't seem to have changed much. Can you really see much of a difference?

With this cold front moving in Eskom are once again having problems and telling everyone to keep their heaters off and save electricity. Seriously, if you want to start being a First World Country, start acting like one!

I quote:

"The cold front has led to a series of power failures in Johannesburg, parts of Sandton and the West Rand. City Power says power outages are being experienced in parts of Bryanston, Inanda, Lake Side, Illovo, Yeoville, Hillbrow, Boskruin and Witpoortjie. " - SABC News.

I'm going to bed now, lets just hope I dont wake up with a meteor in the middle of my garden in the morning.

Super 14 Final Video

2007-05-21T20:13:00.000+02:00

Just to make a lot of people miserable again(Shark fans) I present to you the Super 14 final video clip. Once again thanks to Boomerman for this one.

I do not intent to say much rather than that feeling of nostalgia has set in(or is nausea?) If you look back at the video you will see the two mishaps in that last mintute.Firstly , why the hell did Francois Steyn kick that ball mid field?

Secondly, why didn't the referee blow the knock on by the bulls? Understandibly it was the last minute and he probably wanted the game to play on but even so, it obviously lost the Sharks.

I searched for Francois Steyn Hate pages and couldnt find any...yet. I dont think anyone should blame him. When you look at the last few seconds you will see Habana making his way through a massive gap, most people saw it coming before he got the try when they saw the gap.

Lets just say I think the kid has enough to think about now and he has no doubt had a fantastic season. I think the general thought is "lighten up kid", I think he feels like he has the whole team on his shoulders(which he did when he kicked for the conversion, and when he kicked center field), Steyn, you need to relax a bit and enjoy the game.

I dont know what others feel but I do not think this should be the decision maker for his place in the South African side. I dont know what you think, but I believe he should be in the squad.

Anyone know when it will be announced?

This is Blue Bullshit

2007-05-20T14:02:00.000+02:00

Let me start off by humbly congratulating the Blue Bulls on Saturdays game. Well done on taking the opportunity by defeating us after Full time. Well done on taking advantage of the Sharks distracted state as we had victory for only moments.

Can you believe it? Really? Those Bulls fans reading this, you have to admit, you were lucky in the end. I will admit that we were at fault by letting go after the siren went but even still, we had the game.

This is not going to be a bitch session. Lets just say that I thought it was a fantastic game and that both sides played equally well. Players have to learn that the game does not stop until the whistle blows.

All I can say is that we had the same luck with us when we played crusaders. We had a lot of luck and opportunity to improve throughout the Super 14, and I firmly believe we did, unfortunatly we let go before the whistle went.

It was sad, I heard the stadium was quiet when the Sharks walked out after the whistle. Never the less I will still support the Sharks and in no way will I hold anything against them, and I dont think anyone else should. We played a fantastic game, especially our defense. Tackling was superb and what a game by JP Peterson!

Now it's on to the big games. South Africa vs England this saturday, now it is the time to prove how good our South African teams have been as we are now combined.

Well done to the Bulls, those you who made the trip down I am sure it was worth the money and the effort to come all this way, and to the Sharks, well done for getting into the final. In one or two days eveyone would have forgotten about it and moved on.

Good luck to our South African Side!

One or two more?

2007-05-17T20:52:00.000+02:00

Sorry ,here is 1 more I had to add Faith alone by Bad Religion.

This is back in the day! It is amazing how I always enjoy bands with their original music. Maybe its because thats what got me into them. I think these shows were done in 1989 or 1992, somewhere around there, long time?

I want to conquer the world!

2007-05-17T20:31:00.000+02:00

Hmmm... its been a while since I posted a music Video that I really enjoyed. I have this video on DVD but I thought I would share it with some Bad Religion fans. This is an awesome song of there's and the crowds they attracted were amazing.

Im so pissed off because I spent R270 on the "Bad Religion - Along the way" DVD and I lost the actual DVD. The case sits on my shelf, collecting dust, I was wondering and hoping it would turn up somewhere but it has been gone for almost a year. I saw it at Look at Listen but I dont think I want to buy it again. Worthit, but what if I eventually find it? Will just try and download it somewhere, I dont think that wrong?

Anyway, here it is, It makes me want to go rockers in my room. Still an amazing band!

Super 14 Final

2007-05-16T21:50:00.000+02:00

OK, fuck it, I know a lot of people have seen these pictures and im sure you are really cool because of it and you were God's gift to humour. There are some of us that have not seen it so I thought I would post it because everyone is in such a Super 14 rugby mood!

This is a bit of an up yours to the Bulls.

Sharks vs Bulls, I just hope I wont be biting my tongue on Saturday night after the game.

Its so beautiful , now this is God's gift to rugby.

Bulls are bunch of she males!(who seem to love Steve Hoffmeyer)

I have not posted anything substantial about my life in a while due to the fact I have just been working and going out so much, I have barely had the time to breath. A lot of stress at work so I end up home exhausted, only to be phoned up by friends for our regular evening of darts and drinks.

Is it not amazing how everytime you go out on a working night you will always budget how much you will spend of drinks for the evening. For example, last night I was really tired and decided 2 drinks would be sufficient. The only problem is, everyone seems to be buying, so what started at 2, ended up at 10, plus shooters in between.

I was home and in bed by eleven, but lets just say, today was not a good day.It really felt worse than the flu!

The game of darts were amazing I must say, it has become a tradition among us, normally happening every sunday night at the green man. Playing games of doubles Killer left us tense at the end of each round, only begging for more as the scores were so tightly settled.

Anyway, going to the burg this weekend, I am just going to relax because everyone knows(including God) I need it.Im just going to chill, settle down, switch off the engines, recharge the batteries, and come back refreshed(depending on the rugby).

Goodnight!

Super 14 Semi Final Video Highlights

2007-05-14T20:50:00.000+02:00

Ok the recognition goes to boomerman on youtube for posting all the tries in the super 14 this year. I have posted one or two others on my site that you can look at.

These are the highlights of the Sharks vs Blues Game and the Bulls vs Crusaders game. So for those of you who missed the game by some freak of nature, here are the highlights. This Saturday promises to be a showdown of note.

Apparently people were queueing outside the ticket office since last night to buy tickets. The tickets opened up at 830 and were sold out by 10am. Thats crazy. Apparently when they opened the queue was 500 meters long. Now that is support. Our 54000 seater stadium filled a week before the game.

Now for those of you who are like me, next year I WILL be buying season tickets. I think next year they will be charging for the seats though in the last few games, unlike this year where those with season tickets scored.

Here are the highlights, until next monday after the final....

Sharks vs Bulls Final in Durban - Lets do it!

2007-05-13T22:28:00.000+02:00

Wow

I do not even think I had a weekend. It is now sunday 1030pm and I am sitting on my computer with the worst migraine ever and feeling so tired.

First things first, did you watch the rugby! What a game for the Sharks! I got worried half way through and then we seemed to just be able to pull it off in the last 15 mins. If you look at our strategy you will see in all our games we try and keep ourselves relaxed in the first half so we dont burn out and then come back in the second half. This is why you always see us come back in the second half, unfortunatly at times we let the score get too far ahead, that we ended up stressing and chasing at times.

My problem with the game on saturday was the kicking. We seemed to be alright with kicking for posts but when it came to getting the ball to touch we always gave it away. We would have a good advantage with the ball and then kick it away or tap it to go for try and in the process hand it right back to the Blues.

Secondly I feel our tackling was terrible! There were times where one Blues player would run through 4 Sharks before he would get tackled. This frustrated me the most.

I feel these two points need to be brought up and worked on for the Bulls vs Sharks game this weekend. The Bulls are not weak and they know how to tackle and drive the ball. We cannot afford to let them get through even one player.

Anyway, here is the training side for the South African team....

Johan Ackermann
The Sharks

Eddie Andrews
Vodacom Stormers

BJ Botha
The Sharks

Gary Botha
Vodacom Bulls

Bakkies Botha
Vodacom Bulls

Gerrie Britz
Vodacom Stormers

Schalk Burger
Vodacom Stormers

Deon Carstens
The Sharks

Tonderai Chavanga
Vodacom Stormers

Jean de Villiers
Vodacom Stormers

Bismarck du Plessis
The Sharks

Fourie du Preez
Vodacom Bulls

Os du Randt
Vodacom Cheetahs

Kabamba Floors
Vodacom Cheetahs

Bevin Fortuin
Vodacom Cheetahs

Jaque Fourie
Lions

Bryan Habana
Vodacom Bulls

Butch James
The Sharks

Enrico Januarie
Lions

Wayne Julies
Vodacom Bulls

Victor Matfield
Vodacom Bulls

Percy Montgomery
The Sharks

Johann Muller
The Sharks

Waylon Murray
The Sharks

Akona Ndungane
Vodacom Bulls

Odwa Ndungane
The Sharks

Wynand Olivier
Vodacom Bulls

Breyton Paulse
Vodacom Stormers

Ruan Pienaar
The Sharks

JP Pietersen
The Sharks

André Pretorius
Lions

Jaco Pretorius
Lions

Danie Rossouw
Vodacom Bulls

Bob Skinstad
The Sharks

John Smit
The Sharks

Juan Smith
Vodacom Cheetahs

Pierre Spies
Vodacom Bulls

Guthro Steenkamp
Vodacom Bulls

Francois Steyn
The Sharks

Albert van den Berg
The Sharks

CJ van der Linde
Vodacom Cheetahs

Wikus van Heerden
Vodacom Bulls

Joe van Niekerk
Vodacom Stormers

AJ Venter
The Sharks

Luke Watson
Vodacom Stormers

Ashwin Willemse
Lions

You will notice how many Sharks players are in the team, go Sharks!

This Super 14 game cannot be missed, it is going to be massacre. Two South African teams! Which ever way it goes we can only be proud of our teams!

Happy 100th Blog!

2007-05-09T20:14:00.000+02:00

I expect a happy 100th blog from everyone who reads this post(please). It has taken a long time to get to 100. I started working on my myspace account in June last year so you could say it has almost been a year. Probably averaging about 9 blogs a month(pretty bad)

If I could post some blogs that I thought I enjoyed writing,aswell as worth mentioning, it would be these. Give them a read if you haven't ,and understand that a lot of things changed since then ,so I have not really had time to revise them.

The Irony of God's - Bargaining ,Bribing and Blackmail - Religion

A short thesis on Clubs - Nightlife

F the flag, F the ANC, F the Goverment.... - Politics

My Greatest wish when I die is.... - Life

Dummies Guide for dating - My Interpretation - Nightlife, life

Lord, why have you forsaken me? - Religion

God is my salvation, God is my excuse - Religion, Politics

What it is to Burn - Religion

In a Dream - Religion

The infinite possiblities in a finite life. - Life

The award goes to TBN .... - Religion

God, can you hear me? - Religion

Music for your soul part 2 - Music

Is God trying to tell me something - Religion

We dont need no water - Religion

Debunking Hell - Religion

Ok, so now looking back at all of these and reading through some of them I realise howe much I have actually flushed out my head since I started this. Most of my blogs have been religious , yet if you look through them you will see how much my emotions changed throughout the year.

Leave me comments dammits! Wish me a happy 100th blog!

Some more pictures from Splashy

2007-05-07T21:15:00.000+02:00

I stole these off Paula's website, I dont care, im a thief! I was in some of them so I have sole rights to them! Hehe, anyway, Paula has a video of all of us at splshy which I will post soon. I know she wants to put it on first, but doesnt know how (hehe)

Just before I post this I want to say I will be celebrating my 100th Blog probably tomorrow! I want to have lots of comments on the blog! I will ramble on about how great it has been and some noteworthy blogs of mine. It has been almost a year since I started posting on the net(started on myspace and transferred them here)

Troy, looking a bit fucked, me playing Guitar.

Breakfast, up close and personal. You have a hangover? This works!

Welcome to myth busters. Who said that if you put a condom in warm milk you can fit it over a car? Well we only managed to get it over Kyle's head! Was still funny to watch though. Hehe, apparently Kyle had a used condom dropped on him one morning while he was sleeping. I wont say by who.

Cayley.... Ag I dont need a comment

Down's Syndrome Danny!

Satopsites ranking? Again?

2007-05-06T16:30:00.000+02:00

Well this is weird?

Does anyone know what is happeing with the rankings. I see it just got reset ,and all the counters for the week just got reset. Does this usually happen?

Fuck it

Welcome to Kloof

2007-05-06T15:47:00.000+02:00

How cool is this.

Most of you have probably heard about googlearth. It is actually pretty cool. It has sattelite images from the whole world and your able to zoom in to your are and browse. The quality is really good. It quality becomes bad I think about 100 meters up.

Here is an example. For those of you who stay in Durban. Here is probably the center of Kloof. Village Mall and Fields Center. I am still trying to guess when the photo was taken because it looks like 10am on a monday. Judging from the shadows and the fact that stokers pub has no cars outside it.

Its free so go and give it a try.

Myspace, facebook, and other fads

2007-05-06T15:26:00.000+02:00

My sister showed me this site the other night calle "Facebook". Now I personally have become tired of these sort of sites.

I remember last year June registering on "Myspace" when it was starting to really grow. I thought WOW, this is cool. Heh, after countless hours spent writing my blogs on there, switching through videos, music, designing and redisigning my site with these myspace tools, I gave up on it.

It gets boring after a while for. I really dont know what the hype is all about. I understand the new craze is to suddenly make hundreds if new friends on internet and meet up with old ones. Myspace was interesting ,for a while. Now its just too big and just pisses me off. I have like 50 friends, half of which have stopped going on, I don't message half of them anyway, and all the spam that is going through, makes it a mission. Hardly anyone even posts anymore. It's like yahoomail and hotmail etc, people open up these accounts, and then get bored and stop using them.

Now I have seen this facebook site and decided to log on today, so I am probably a bit behind. I browsed through networks adding friends to my list and getting quite excited. I just wonder, once people have accepted , what am I supposed to do after that? Talk to them? Now I need to keep a site up and running with facebook just to chat to some of my friends. Half the people I will probably only 2 or 3 comments on.

Ag, will see how it goes. I prefer just blogging on this site. Its not that I dont want to make friends, it's just not a problem if I dont.

Well, lets see how long this fad will go before it dies out and something else comes up.

Later

Questions to Xenthric

2007-05-06T11:37:00.000+02:00

I have been going through some of Xenthric's videos of late and he posted a video stating he would answer any questions posted to him within the next 48 hours. So I decided to add a few of my questions just to see his response.

You will see I made a mistake by mixing Pascal's Wager and Occam's razor. Heh, they still sound similar. Anyway here are my questions and his response.

My post:

"My question(s) to you is this.

1)Occam's Razor, what do you consider the greater risk. Living a life without God on the possibility you will go to hell for eternity, or coming to God and taking away the risk?Justification of the cross is one of my biggest struggle. I am a brain therefore I think according to the way my brain is. I can try and choose God yet in my head it will always sit in disbelief, therefore, I will still go to hell. Either way your fucked!

2)What was the greatest reason you walked away from christianity, or rather religion. Seeing as you have not delved into another religion, would you consider yourself athiest or agnostic?

3)What do you believe are the top 3 most debatable or argumentitive subjects of the bible. (eg, predestination vs free will)

4)What do you believe, in your mind, will convince you in believing or choosing in a religion(eg, I would never use miracles as a reason due to the fact it doesnt prove anything for me). The further science extends, the smaller the window of religion becomes.

5)Do you in your heart, have a hope for a God, or rather for the belief in a God, or do you wish for there to be nothing, and we are just products of nature, that when our brain dies, our everything dies, there is no soul.

I know there is a lot in here but I would be interested to see what you think. I fought hard to to believe in God and tried to break through my bubble into athiesm but I couldnt, so I'm stuck in an agnostic state."

Xenthrics response :

"I agree, it doesn't make sense that a deity would create humans and expect them to praise it then turn around and have their brains realize the lack of evidence it left.

-----Answers to your questions-----

1) You're first question is more or less Pascal's Wager. I definitely need to make a video on this topic but I will briefly answer your question here. If I point a non-existent gun to your head will you be scared? Probably not, just like I am not scared of a non-existent hell. There is absolutely no reason to even believe that being a Christian or Muslim will get you this heaven they speak of. Why not the Buddhists or the Hindus? Maybe you have to believe in Zeus, or Krishna, or Odin to get to heaven. Anyone can take a mythical book and say you have to follow it or you will go to hell, it's another thing to have what you say make any sense. I could right a book and claim that God loves atheists and only the rational thinkers and skeptics go to heaven, this scenario is equally as logical as the Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, etc.

2) The lack of evidence is the single greatest reason I turned from Christianity. De-converting to atheism is not usually a choice, religion can often be a crutch in time of need, however, I cannot live in a world of fiction. Religion to me is quite similar to a drug. You hear and see things that aren't real (such as God speaking or appearing), you believe things that don't make sense, you base your life around something that does not help you succeed in your future, etc. The only way I would follow any religion at this point is if I had empirical evidence that supported that specific religion. I can't sit there praising something and say I love what is going on when it isn't true.

3) The bible is a book that is open to interpretation, it is old and out dated. With this in mind we can clearly see that almost anything in it can be placed on the table when it comes to a debate. I suppose it depends on personal preference. The free will debate is a short one in my opinion. If we look at from and epistemological stand point then we can go on for hours, but as far as the bible goes I have a video on the subject that covers about as much as you can.

4) I agree that as science progresses religion becomes more and more difficult to defend. But for your question I will respond by saying that theists can be just as skeptical as I am. What would it take for a Christian or Muslim that the "real" God was standing before them, probably a few magic tricks such as lifting a building. It would take the same amount of proof for me, I just apply logic across the board instead of selectively.

5) It's a nice concept, the afterlife that is. Heaven being a place where happiness is eternal and there is no pain or suffering, but being able to fly is a nice idea too. I don't worry about flying though, nor do I worry about what happens to me after I die. When I die, I die. . . it is out of my control what happens after death and eventually I will find out. As far as wanting or not wanting a God to exist that depends on what kind of God we are talking about. Would this God care about me or even the planet? You would have to define God in order for me to answer this question.

One question for you though. Are you using agnostic in the sense that you believe there is a 50/50 probability for the existence of a God or deities or are you talking about an atheist-agnostic. If you are using the 50/50 probability then do you also believe that a God as defined through religion is possible, and why?"

So there you have it, I will post him a response soon. There are too few people out there that you can ask such questions and actually hold their own point of view. Christians will always attack athiests for being a "religion" because they all dont believe in God. Yet every athiest is different in their beliefs. There is not one code or law or a set of standards that athiests have to live up to, each is an individual.

Check out Xenthric's video site here on youtube.

Paris Hilton Gets jail time!

2007-05-06T01:15:00.000+02:00

Check the video footage from cnn here.

Bad luck. Paris Hilton has just been ordered to report to the county jail by June 5 to serve 45 days for breaking her probation.

She was ordered not to drive for 90 days due to the fact that she was caught drunken driving.Now she stated that her publicist said it was 30 days and she could then drive to and from work.

Now ,what makes matters worse for her is that she has no privaleges whatsover. She will serve her sentence as is. Some are able to pay to be transported to other prisons, the judge has not even allowed this. So she will be getting all the "benefits" that any other inmate gets.

This is what surprises me. Kathy Hilton, her mom, is fuming and thinks it is outrageous! Why? Yes the sentence does sound harsh but this is my problem, why do they think they can get away with it. I mean, just because they are the "Hilton" Family and own all these hotels and are filthy rich, does not excuse someone from breaking the law. I am sure that if any other person was caught doing the same thing, the same sentence would be carried out.

What actually makes it worse is that this hasn't been a first time, her record is riddled with similar acts.

I just wonder if she will even do her sentence? You know how these rich and famous people always seem to get away from these things.

Why do they always make it that they are so done in. Paris Hilton does not have to worry about anything, let alone a criminal record! Her inheritance will keep her comfortable for the rest of her life. So stop acting like your the victim.

I have had 2 friends of mine spend time overnight in jail, they accepted the risk of drinking and driving. If you choose to take the risk, you choose to take the responsibilty for your actions awell. I'm tired of people thinking they are untouchable.

Paris Hilton, stick to your "home made movies".

I hate...

2007-05-06T00:41:00.000+02:00

I just need to get this off my chest. Can I tell you? It has been bugging me for months and the past two weeks I have almost lost my cool.

Now I do not have any problems with ABSA due to the fact I don't bank with them so I really don't give a shit about what they do or who they fuck.

This is what annoys me...

I am in a rush, I am running late for work, I need to draw money quickly because I, unfortunatly, have exceeded my limit on my garage card and need to put in petrol. I stop at waterfall petrol station and I know that their ABSA machine is there, but I know, every time I walk in, I am greeted by a torn out piece of paper, scribbled obviously by some uneducated individual saying "not working" (where is the "eish").

So I go in first to check before I ask them to put in petrol, it is working.

This is it, at every f*#king ABSA "express ATM" that you find at garages. It says "Insert card ". You insert your card and it gives a beep saying "please remove" . You remove it and it beeps twice saying "error, insert again" After numerous tries it eventually goes through. You enter your pin, how much you want, and you wait..... and you wait.... "processing".....

You eventually hear the money rolling and it comes out the bottom. You take you money tapping your fingers, waiting to get your statement. It then says "Take your cash". I know I need to take my money, just give me the statement! You wait, then I hear churning and nothing comes out. I run to the car after spending about 2 minutes just trying to get money, only to tell the attendant R200 unleaded.

2 minutes does not seem like a long time, but when your going out, going to work, going anywhere, you want to make a quick stop and get some money. I dont really care about the charge because I use Standard bank. I just want money, and I want it now.

It seems like a small problem after reading through this, but think about it when your at those ABSA ATM'S at garages. You will see what I mean.

OK then , bye bye now!

Debunking Hell

2007-05-05T23:40:00.000+02:00

Thanks to Hard Rain who commented on my blog and linked me to this site regarding the headline coverage of "Scientists drilled into hell".

I mentioned in the blog about how fear is always used to manipulate people. It is easier make people listen to you through fear rather through reward. I give you an example. When I was in High School my dad would always bribe me with money to do well in my subjects. When he would talk to me about it at the beginning of every term, I would gladly accept the offer and would try my best, for about two weeks! Once the effect subsided and you think to yourself "It's too much effort", you become the same person. Yet when it started to dawn on my that if I fail, I fail matric, and will not get a job etc etc. This drove me to start working hard in my matric year.

Unfortunatly christians have a nasty habit of doing this. On the site it mentioned TBN(Trinity Broadcasting Network). They are a true representation of majority of christians today. They like to spin off other stories and spread what they hear through their ministers and their church.

Remember the telephone game we used to play, where it shows the breakdown of communication through people. It is the same thing. These stories are fed to people, and people add to, or exaggerate the story to someone else ,to make it more exciting to the next person. This will then be used as a weapon against doubters of the faith.

I will give another example. How many times have you heard christians tell each other about how scientists are starting to agree that God must exist? I still get it thrown at me!

Greg Graffin, lead singer of Bad Religion, took it upon himself to actually provide and collect data to help debunk this popular belief. And I quote from his book,

"This dissertation id the report of findings and implications from a questioneer sent to 271 evoloutionary biologists who are member of national academics of science in 22 countries, focused on revealing their world views." (Evoloution, Monism, Athiesm, and the naturalist world view, Greg Graffin, pg5)

Unfortunatly only half of them returned the survey(151).

79.19% stated that they did not believe in a God(no room for mystery)
8.05% stated that they did not believe in a God(left room for mystery)
6.71% stated they believed in a God(deist position, God does not intervene)
5.37% stated they believe in God (in the traditional sense)

These statistics are actually quite thought provoking. Now remember this does not refer to the Christian God as such, so if it were to be the christian God that exists, then only 1 or 2(if they are even "proper" christians) would enter heaven. God creates such amazing and thoughtful brains ,yet he sends them to hell because the way God created their thought processes and the way he created their brain, is in enemy with God, because they are too clever? This is a bit hypocritical.

The amazing thing? Everyone brainwashes each other. If you are within a christian group, do you not constantly hear of miracles and how the gospel is being spread to everyone and their are always revivals? Yet funny enough, when you sit on the other side of the fence, you would be amazed at how it is exactly the opposite!

Christians believe that one sign that Jesus is coming again soon is that the gospel would be spread throughout the world. What is funny though is that I don't know where this is spreading. When I look at the amount of time I have spent in church, and all the people I have seen come and go, I have seen too few that are still there. Between the ages of 21-40, the numbers are dismal!

Many christians who I do talk to that are over the age of 40 disagree with many of the original christian teachings. They do not even agree with majority of what the minister might say. They sit back and go, "that was a nice sermon" and , just like a motivational speaker, the minister is able to encorouge them and get them amped up for the week to come. It has become tradition for most.

With all that being said, let me leave you with this. If the christian God is the true God, and the "traditional" teachings of the church are right, then how many people are really saved? How many people actually know who the true Jesus is?

Heaven is looking very quiet, and it seems like an awful lot of space is going to waste in heaven if God chooses to throw majority of humankind into hell for something that most cannot comprehend or come to terms with.

Eternity is a long time to sit in heaven ,and have hardly anyone around!

Satopsites ranking?

2007-05-05T23:31:00.000+02:00

Ok, could someone please help me understand what the fuck has just happened at about 8pm this evening? I went on to see my hits and saw it at 1?

Now I know I do not have too many hits been then I noticed that my average went down to 0? I looked on the satopsites ranking and noticed everyone had been zero'd!

I have a really bad migraine so I am in a shit mood and I am going to bed now, I hope it all hasn't been reset.

Splashy fen videos!

2007-05-05T00:10:00.000+02:00

OK, I am obviously not going to take the credit for these videos as I just happened to browse across them on youtube(as always). These were posted by the durbanscouts or something like that. Just check the one with the beer tent, oh my! I think that was the essance of splashy Fen, drinking lots of mixed alcohol and coming together!

You will see some footage of Tubby Wilsons, Habit to and Contrast the water. I was not able to watch Contrast the Water as I got in splashy late. I have seen them before anyway. I do not really enjoy them but I support SA music and I know a lot of people do enjoy them, so carry on guys.

I posted about Tubby Wilsons in my previous Splashy Post and how awesome them they are, I remember watching them. Now if you look carefully, you will see my big head blocking the view in the Habit to video, right in the front.

Enough talking ,here you are, thanks to durbanscouts, hope you dont mind ;)

Eish, next year must come now!

Compliments to a fellow blogger...

2007-05-04T18:55:00.001+02:00

Kevin Cadman has started the snowball for what the topic of my blog represents. Go to his site to see what I mean because I am to lazy to explain it all to you. Its been a long day and now 'm tired!

What this simply is is for once, we are going to compliment another blogger on their site. Here is mine.

I tried to decide on what I would base my conclusion one. Entertaining or thought provoking? Seeing as I tend to do a lot of research on the net I decided to make my compliment to the site "Memoirs of an ex-christian". He does not blog every day but when he does , a lot of thought and research goes into his blog. If you like religion, I suggest you go an read there, because he always talks from a totally unbiased point of view when making his statements. He draws his conclusions based on reasonable fact.

I have to put Kevin Cadman as my other compliment. I compliment his blog based on the fact I like to wake up every morning, turn on my PC, and see his face. I do not even read his articles. His face radiates off the page. Joking! I think his blog is the only blog site I look at every day (after mine of course).

Cheerio

We don't need no water.....

2007-05-03T20:19:00.000+02:00

I told you in a few posts back I was going to post something on the whole subject of hell and some thoughts I have had.

Kevin Parry spoke in a few blogs back about the whole topic of hell. You can view it over here. He made some interesting observations that struck a chord with me. You know when someone is talking about things that you know, but have not been able to manifest in your own words because you had not thought it through?

The topic of fear is spoken all the time. It's sublimimal , you watch it on TV, hear it on the radio and read it in the newspapers and we are constantly driven into a mindset of fear. How many times in a newspaper do you hear about either a comet coming towards earth, or some other natural disaster holding us by a thread ,waiting for the opportune time to take us out.

We hear about Global warming all the time. America have the new threat, terrorism. Whenever I turn on CNN I am immediatly shown another car bombing in Baghdad, or another suicide bombing in Israel. I do not intend to go on the whole issue between America and the middle east but I do not support it. I will post my views in some other blog in due time.

The point I am trying to make if the marketing effect of "fear" Fear is exciting, its what 13 year old girls watch with their friends at sleep overs. It's what people live to read about. People love the feeling.

This has been tradition for thousands of year. The Torah was probably the best marketer of fear! Ten plagues of Egypt, Satan, Sodom and Gomorahh,Noah's Ark, and lets not forget?

Hell!

Hell is probably one of the most feared topics in religion. Why shouldn't it be? To think that one day, if you do not give your life to Allah,if he is wrong, Jesus, if he is wrong,George W. Bush, you will go to hell. A place described as a place torment, grief, pain, wailing, weeping, gnashing of teeth, suffering, lake of fire, brimstone, screaming, cursing, prostitutes, murderers, rapists, demons and of course.... George W. Bush.

Ok, ill lay off George W. Bush.

Have you ever noticed how christian evangelists always fail to save people just by preaching the gospel, without using hell in it. Sure, many use the love God to get people saved but, unfortunatly, it just is not as effective. To speak to a person about being a sinner and being tormented for ever and ever, is a much easier way to get someone converted. That is why on youth camps, when hell is spoken about, all the "bad" kids alway react the best. They become the angels. Yet within two weeks , they are back to where they were. Why? This is because the effect has worn off.

Their emotions have settled down and the rational side of them has come back into play. They stop thinking about it and subconciously, go back to who they were. I will give you an example.

I stumbled across this site a few years ago and found it again. It has to do with wether hell is really in the center of the earth. These scientists were digging a whople and struck something weird. The believe they dug into hell. The have audio recordings of it. Here it is.

Now listen to the audio clip that was recorded, you can hear one disctinct scream and a whole lot of moaning and screaming. When I heard this and thought about it I got pretty freaked out. I do not consider myself a gullable guy but the in the back of my head I was thinking "what if this is real?"

Go here to see the article, it is around the web so it is not one persons site.Here are some quotes from the article...

"After this ghastly discovery, about half of the scientists quit because of fear. Hopefully, that which is down there will stay there,' Dr Azzacov added.

Later that night, he saw ambulance crews circulating in the community. A driver he knew told him that they had been told to sedate everybody with a medication known to erase short term memory. The Soviets use this drug in the treatment of shock victims.

"As a communist I don’t believe in heaven or the Bible but as a scientist I now believe in hell," said Dr. Azzacove.

Now there have been similar cases where people have gone deep see diving into caves etc and have quit or come up in shock saying they heard screams from within the caves.

I rational mind tells us that the sounds have a rational explanation. We can come up with a few good reasons yet on the other hand it makes you sit and wonder, what if?

The sermons by Jonothan Edwards called "sinners in the hand of an angry God" is a similar example. He used the most vicious adjectives to describe hell. To describe God's anger towards us. Yet after a few days it subsides. Why?

Why does the gospel only work when fear is driven into people. It is used as bait. One you have them you have to hold tight because they slip out very easily. You have to convince them before the fear subsides and they start thinking rationally.

Why did God create our brains the way they are, if he wanted us to worship him. Surely he would know that we are our brain. If I have a chemical imbalance in the brain I will act differently. Seriel Killers and Psychopaths have all been found to have problems with their frontal lobe, hence the reason they do what they do. They do not know any better.

Will the mentally ill go to hell due to the fact that they cannot reason. They are acting in accordence to what their brain is signalling. They are their brain. You dont conrtol your brain. Your brain doesnt control you. You are your brain. If your brain dies, you die. Your thoughts and feelings subside. You have no more logic or reasoning. You cannot think. You are not aware!

Then why does God punish us for who we are. It sends chills down my spine to think I will be going to hell yet at the same time, my ongoing debate, I cannot find myself coming to God! My brain wont let me. Or rather, my brain does not have the capacity to believe it!

I'm rambling! D0 you see where I am coming from? Do I punish a kid who has downs syndrome because his mom and dad were brother and sister? No! Then why are we still punished for something Adam and Eve(if they ever existed) did 6000 years ago? It doesnt make sense.

God does not make sense at all. How are we to love a God who has a split personality disorder. I think God is schitzophrenic! To have heaven and hell is proof enough. Burn in hell, for eternity to a fried crisp, feeling pain and torment where there is only night, and screaming and wailing and acid, yet, there is heaven, just love Jesus! Just dont fuck up!

I might have offended some sensitive readers, I apologise! I am speaking whats on my mind!Take this as food for thought, everytime I try to understand, God frustrates me, my world spins around in circles and I'm back out the loop of things, back at point A.

Next time

Pon and Zi

2007-05-01T21:02:00.000+02:00

I love these cartooms, Pon and Zi. You might not have seen them before but they are like "emo" charachters. I got them off this site here. I put a lot on but go and check out the site, I dont want the guy to tell me to take them off because I took all the pictures. I took some of the good ones.

They so cute they make me want to cry, go and get me a tissue dumb shit, I'm not a naff!

Save an Athiest challenge.

2007-05-01T19:33:00.000+02:00

Just and additional video he added.

All you religious people, see what you can do. You have someone who is more than willing to join a religion, provided the argument is more solid than athiesm.
Its true what he says though. Meaningful and thought provoking debates on religion are very rare now days. People always use faith, and the bible as a copout.

Argument between athiest/agnostic? and two christians

2007-05-01T19:21:00.000+02:00

Hey

I was browsing through youtube and I came across this video. Now I know it wont interest most of you but I quite enjoyed the discussion. This guy goes by the nickname "Xcenthric" and was a christian for 15 years. You can see his video site here.

I havent gone through all his videos yet but here is the one I watched. He gets into a discussion between these two christians on the topic of heaven and hell and obvious begins to play out. Christians will always battle to discuss religion and the belief in Jesus in a rational and logical manner. Hence the reason they feel backed into a corner and start swinging fists bringing out "Gods Word" , "Athiests cannot be trusted", "you have to believe in faith" etc. The guy who is talking is clearly narrow minded in his belief. He does not understand anything outside his belief and hence the reason who "souls won" to date , is probably nil.

Watch it, will post some more thoughts on the topic of hell soon. Found some interesting and at the same time, freaky shit. Will post more on that later. Here is the video.

Street Naming

2007-05-01T12:18:00.000+02:00

Here are some of the streets that are going to be renamed. I know they are still under debate but the last comment I heard was "Get used to it or leave it."

Go here for a full list of proposed names issued by the Ethekweni Municipality.

Super 14 Rugby

2007-05-01T11:20:00.000+02:00

Hehe

Do you remember this? Those of you who watched the Sharks vs Crusaders game? What a game, anyway, this guy on youtube.com has been posting all the tries from all the games for the super 14 and he put this one on. Probably the most amazing game of the Super 14.

Anyway, looking back now, we deserved to win if Odwa Ndugane didnt drop the ball over the try line.Many people said we didnt deserve to win due to the fact the try was 2 minutes after Full time. I still remember the slow motion they took of his face.

Anyway, here is the footage, it will start about half way through.

Rugby World Cup 2007

2007-05-01T10:44:00.000+02:00

I stumbled over this clip while trying to look for some highlights of the Rugby World Cup in 1995 when we won .

Personally, I believe we have a very good chance at winning this. Looking at our teams through the Super 14, Sharks for example, I really believe we are in form and ready to take it on. Lets hope we can remain consistent in our games.

Here is the promotional trailer for this years World cup. You will see the highlights from 1995 when Joel Stransky took the drop kick over the posts. It is amazing how high that went!
Looking forward to it

I got a new cd!

2007-05-01T09:05:00.000+02:00

Hey

God I hate capping, hence the reason I haven't posted in the past week. Sorry about that. I think I have 3 Gig cap and somehow managed to use it all. Anyway.

Nothing special has been happening besides all the public holidays. I love public holidays but God it throws you out of routine. I keep thinking it saturday today.

Went out the other day for pay day, just to buy a few things from pavilion. We walked into Look and Listen and I heard this song playing which really gripped me. Now I do not listen to the radio at all so I am completely oblivious to "whats new" on the radio. I have heard this song once before. You know the situation, you hear a song you really like, but for some reasons you are not able to find out who it is. I was at work and I walked past one of the mechanics who had the radio on and it was playing. I couldnt hang around to hear who it was. Well now I have the cd.

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Guys ,this is a really awesome cd. It has a bit of everything. Yes it is emo but there are a lot of other elements to the cd. Each song is different. I will post their music video for "Face Down", currently their new single. The next song is called Atrophy which is also an awesome song. Atrophy is live so the quality isnt the best, but its really awesome the way the do it.His friend had died on the wednesday in the war.

Now I also bought the Lock +Load DVD. I was pretty impressed with the price. R160 for 32 songs. Pretty good listing aswell.Muse, Panic at the Disco,Fall out boy, Taking back Sunday, +44, Seether, Angels and Airwaves , Placebo and a whole lot more. If you like watching music videos in this sort of genre ,get it, other than that, I feel I should have just downloaded some of those videos. You always judge a CD but weighing up the cd. I'd say I enjoyed about 3/5's of the DVD.

Anyway

Will post some other shit later. Going to a braai just now, so Im going to sleep a bit more.

Petition against the changing of our road names.

2007-04-24T20:52:00.000+02:00

Hey

Got this off Kevin Cadman's site and thought I would put the link here for all you "Proudly South African" citizens who give a fuck and petition against the changing of our road names. I personally have not thought much of it but I do generally disagree with the whole issue.

I am not one for change and I can tell you right now there is going to be lots of confusion if their are more people like me. I am never going to know where the hell I am because I do not recognise street names. Surely this money could be put to better use.

Keep our road names.
http://www.petitiononline.com/dbnroads

Have some more pics.

2007-04-23T18:49:00.000+02:00

Right

Here are some more pics I got from Daniel of Splashy, also some of the bands have posted some of their concerts so I will post those aswell. Here we go....

Its breakfast time, a mixture of bacon, egg, beans , beef will make the perfect combination. Seriously! Try it a splashy, add bacon, chuck mixed eggs in, chuck the bean on, and your sorted! Would actually be keen to try add some vodka next time.

Meet Troy. These guys came around with those street cones that the cops use. We put in Whiskey, Vodka, Brandy, Black label and...... custard! Dude he did it!

Paula and Cayley, just doing nothing, which is exactly what they did the whole weekend!

"Dude, where the fuck am I?"

Recovery, that sun hurts your eyes in the morning!

Nina! Where is all the weed?You smoked it all!"Dude you have any schrooms?" Hehe, this area actually got raided!Its the Living Alarm, look at the crowd! you wont believe how the crowd was going off. Heh, there I am fucking out in the front with my middle finger raised hi,er, no dude, Im not giving you the middle finger. I'm showing Stealth Security what I think of them!

The Living alarm... do yourself a favor and watch them!

Still rocking out!

I have a lot more photo's from splashy but I wont bore you with them. The photo's of The Living Alarm were taking from their site. Please support them. Go here to their webpage.

Later

Suicide bombers

2007-04-21T18:03:00.000+02:00

Hey

Been reading a lot of stuff on cnn lately and stumbled across something earlier that I forgot to go back to. Now I cannot find it and it pisses me off. They had some sort of strategy to help demotivate suicide bombers in regards to their deaths or burial.

Anyway found this , sorta funny , and seeing as I work for VW I had to put it on ...

Now apparently they are showing this advert to dissuade suicide bombers from taken out their plans. Obviously you can see they are trying to show the hurt and pain that comes after. I dont have problems with muslims and I feel sorry that they have such overly obsessed people in their system, but I guess you have it in all religions.

Hannibal rising: a short review

2007-04-21T12:24:00.000+02:00

Hey

Last night I was really amped to go and see the new release of Hannibal Rising. I really enjoy movies where there are twists and in depth plots. I love the psychology of murderers and psychopaths. What makes them tick, what makes them the way they are?

What a dissapointment . The movie starts off when Hannibal Lector was like 10 in the war. Tragic events happen that shape his personality. Events that would make any of us the way he was. The movie continues into him in his early 20's I'd say seeking revenge on those who killed his family. He has a mental block of the whole even but sees it in his dreams. He eventually remember the even and is now filled with hatred and seeks revenge.

Now why am I dissapointed with the movie? I felt it had a very shallow plot. It is based on the book so I guess cannot argue with the book. I havent read it so Im not sure how it goes. I found the murders more "witty" and clever in the beginning but then they seem to rush to the end. The murders became sloppy and unthoughtful. It started to become like another teen murder movie such as "scream" and "I know what you did last summer".

His charachter wobbled at times. You movie had you gripped in his personality(or lack thereof) of a psychopath. Yet at times he displays emotions and thoughts that are not charachterised as a psychopath. Psychopaths are devoid of any emotion or guilt. They do not understand the difference between right and wrong. At times he showed emotions of love and hate. They did a polygraph machine on him which shows he is psychotic(polygraph machines are useless on psychopaths) yet he is able to care at times.

I got annoyed in the end because the plot just did not become clever. It just became reckless and seemed like another ordinary person taking revenge.His personality grips you, but you would expect more with the killings from his charachter. Its gruesome at times and can be disturbing. I would recommend you view it, just do not go in with expectations. You tend to laugh at times as he "gets the baddies" and the way he kills them. Other than that I got pretty frustrated, waiting for more, and it never came!

I would rate it a 6 out of 10.

Here is the trailor

More on Virginia Tech: The Killer

2007-04-21T11:55:00.000+02:00

I found this on youtube(obviously). Its the killer recording himself before the shootings. I battle to hear a bit of what he is saying but by what I gather his speech was a political one. The reasons were solely political. I'm taking by what I understand, he had a problem with American Society. Personally I think he is just ranting and raving in a political voice and just wanted to be a martye, to get attention, I really dont think those were his reasons.

You can see he read it all off his paper. Really dont know what the fuck was his problem. Anyway, here it is...

I'm soooo frikkin pissed!

2007-04-21T11:27:00.000+02:00

What the hell!

Ok, I have missed the past 3 Shark games due to certain factors. Now I havve heard we have won the last two (which I didnt watch) and we had really picked up our game. Hearing Peterson scoring 2 tries last week made me wonder if he suddenly arised to the occasion.

I decided to skip overtime work today and sleep a bit in. I woke up 20 mins into the game and sat down to watch. I was already dumbfounded. I think the score was 12-0 to the chiefs. The another 2 tries to the chiefs made me regret getting up to watch the game. Sometimes its just better to have heard the Sharks have lost than to actually watch it.

One question? Why the fuck is Peterson still in our team? I have said it from our first Super 14 match, he must not play, due to the fact he cannot play. When he has the break all is well, but really, the guy is costing us more. Every weekend my voice becomes hoarse from screaming at him because he drops a ball, or in some way fucks it all up! You can see our team does not even want to pass to him. You give him a ball and he prances around like a fairy in the same spot. He always hesitates and when he is tackled ,cannot hold onto the ball!

Peterson, you tackle like a fucking paedophile! Always want to touch! You never tack a person, you always touch them or try to take their fucking clothes off! Watch it or people are going to charge you with sexual abuse or even rape, depending what you do when your on top of them!

Im so pissed off right now, im going relax, go and watch some stupid feel happy movie, recharge my batteries, and hope for the best for next week. I am planning on going to the game at ABSA stadium.

Sharks, I swear to fuck, you make me go and wait in those queues for tickets, sit for an hour in traffic, make me waste my money on tickets, booze and petrol, and you lose! I stay nearby a gorge! I will find you, and no one will ever find your body again. K Pumpkins?

Good luck!

Some more thoughts on school shootings

2007-04-18T19:21:00.000+02:00

Hey

I know I have posted a few on school shootings ,especially in light of the whole Virginia Tech shooting. I have been looking up some further information to find out exactly what the reason was behind the whole shooting.

I decided to stumble over to Michael Moore's (Bowling for Columbine, Fahrenhite 9/11) website and see what he had to say about the whole issue. Seeing as he has always got great research projects and has brought out some fantastic documentries I thought he would be a good bet. I didnt find much but rather him making a comment. There is an essay though written by someone else on the site which you can read here. It deals with the whole issue of gun control.

Lets just say, Michael Moore is going to have is hands full again. He won an award for the movie "Bowling for Columbine" which I must say was one of my favourite movies. Now I know I do not stay in America and gun laws are different. Yet when lives are taken unecciserily and without thought or reason, then it becomes any human beings problem. Humans ,no matter what race, age ,etc you are, have feelings and emotions for this sort of thing. You might remember this....

Now you will hear a lot of booing during his speech yet I have to say, I do not really disagree with him. I may not understand the full reason of the war in Iraq, but I do know that lives are being taken daily. The war is not over in Iraq, the war is at home. It is in the schools as you can see. This is due to the laws that are stated such as the 2nd Ammendmant which give the american the "right to bear arms".

Click here to see something posted by cnn. It talks about the study of how many killers and people on death row actually have a "damaged" brain. I'm no brain surgeon but I think you call it the frontal lobe . This hinders them from controlling their anger and/or other emotions. Watch it for yourself.

Before I carry on, I now see more bombings in Baghdad. The death toll today has just risen to 166 at least Get the story here.

You know, I really dont know what to say. Words cannot explain what is going on in my head right now. Normally I am able to easily get what is one my mind onto paper but at the moment there are too many thoughts.

What really is the point of war? All countries are ever fighting for is either economic gain, power and control. This includes religion. Whatever happened to compromise? It's all become greed. Nations have become greedy.

In my logical capacity I do not see the point of war, especially in Iraq. Mr Bush, you are sending your own nation's youth to fight a war that they may not even believe in. I respect and honour those who choose to fight but I do not believe in the war itself. Young men are forced to fight in a country, not their own, against people who do not even want them there. These people are the people who live there. If I have shit at home, as much as I appreciate someone trying to help me, if I say no, I mean no!

Mr Bush your soldiers are dying! They are flying home in coffins and body bags. It's all very well saying "he was a hero" and "he fought bravely" but how many times are you going to be saying that. It is becoming pure redundancy.

I believe America is falling, I believe that Bush is a tosser! America has become one of the most degraded nations in the world. They may have riches and power, but they have no value. I believe before Bush steps out of the white house, America will see something happen greater than 9/11 due to the fact that the goverment seem to be pissing off a lot of people and do not listen!

I went off on a tangent, I apologise. This topic is neither here nor there, but I thought I would just get some thoughts onto the page.

Fantastic weather here in durban isnt it?

Look at your killer

2007-04-17T21:10:00.000+02:00

This has been identified as the killer in the Virginia Tech shooting. He was from North Korea boarding at Virginia Tech as a student. Obviously reasons and motives are still being investigated but the official death is 32 excluding him. See more information on the press release here.

Apparently he was a loner at school, why am I not surprised? Next you will probably find he always kept to himself, no one liked him and he didnt have any friends. Probably even picked on. Lets see what they say.....

New Linkin Park Video

2007-04-17T20:56:00.000+02:00

Ok, I havent been a big fan of this band for a while. Don't know why.

Heard this song on the radio yesterday for the first time and it really caught me, thought it was a really cool song. Had to see the video. Bit dissapointed by the fact that all bands seem to be jumping onto the bandwagon of politics and enviormentalism and humankind. The video and their dress seems a bit too close to U2. Still good video , check it out.

Interesting

2007-04-17T20:29:00.000+02:00

Just thought about this. Do you know that the columbine shooting happened almost exactly 8 years ago. Columbine shooting happened on the 20th April and the Virginia Tech shooting happened on the 16th April. If I remember correctly at Columbine they actually were delayed by a few days. I might be wrong, either way, the date they planned didnt happen.

Check out this video of Columbine I pulled out off youtube.com. It has got scenes from some movies on the shootings. Elephant, Bang Bang your dead and Zero Day. The song playing is by Placebo.

Virginia tech

2007-04-16T22:50:00.000+02:00

Just a quick post.

If you have been out the past few hours you would have missed what has just happened in Virginia, USA. For a comment by George W Bush click here.

America have just had another Columbine. I believe(after watching cnn) that something like 33 people have been killed ,including the gunman. What makes it so weird is that it happened in two seperate places on opposite sides of the campus building. How did he just walk through and no one notice what was happening.

You can see some comments from students here.

Watch police and medical aid coming in, police and officials with armed weapons here

At this point of time they have not released names of those who have been killed nor have released the identity yet. From watching they have noted that the shooters identity has not been found yet.Apperently it was most probably a student who massacred the students and then turned the gun upon himself.

I posted a blog a while back on the Columbine shooting and how tragic events like this make us wonder what causes people to do it. They are still investigating wether it really is only one shooter and maybe not two in this Virginia shooting.What is it this time that caused such a horrendous act? Was it bullying, broken homes, or was it someone carrying a grudge? Terrorism? You can see my blog and some footage here on the columbine shooting here.

Anyway, just a short update. Cannot sit and watch the whole night so will update tomorrow.

My regards to those who have been affected by what has happened, wether families or friends of those who were there.

Goodnight

A weekend up date.

2007-04-15T11:08:00.001+02:00

Hey everyone

Well, lets just say its been a very full weekend. On friday we left work and met up with Jason to have a few drinks. The original intention was to hit Durban to go and watch the Living Alarm. Unfortunatly we got stuck in Hillcrest and did not want to take the risk of being caught at a road block. You know the issue, if you have had like 2 beers you are already over the limit. So apologies to living alarm, will see you on June 16th at Burn, dont miss it people.

Alright , so now I have a few pictures given to me by our fellow campers and need to put this up on my blog. I hear there is a video lingering around with my friends aswell so will try and get my hands on that, there are a few good funny scenes on that from what I remember.

Thanks to Roxy for these pictures. Carla left her digital at home so I was really bummed. Would have taken much more!

Here Roxy is arriving on the saturday. Its amazing how full it is. It still goes up behind the trees and still further down. I heard there was something like 20 000 people.

Yeah, thats me! Looking like shit and feeling like it! The guitar was my only comfort.... and my vodka and coke!

From left to right. Troy, Claire, Carla, Myself and Daniel. All cosy around the campfire, doubt that is just sprite in that bottle. Troy never woke up in his own tent! The morning myself and Daniel took a walk to the toilet, we heard "DANIEL" from inside this tent. We looked at the tend and said "we dont know anyone from that tent!" You just see Troy pop his head out the tent, just behind him was sleeping beauty....or... er... something to that effect!

Carla.... in her own world. I think this is Daniel scratching his ass.... nice one for the girls Daniel!

Daniel, Daniel and myself(yes two Daniels), always a good one when your slightly intoxicated playing the game of shouting out the name which is belonging to more than 1 person in the group. Daniel! Looking at the weather in this picture it lookes really cold...and Im wearing a shirt.

What flavour guys? Herbal? Never heard of that flavor.... whats wrong Paula? Kyle and Troy lighting a hubbly. Paula doesnt agree with drugs, even dagga, they mixed dagga in the hubbly and she had some without knowing. You got to appreciate the placebo affect. She didnt know a thing. She probably would have reacted much differently if she knew it was weed beforehand.

Welcome to our kitchen. The amount of food wasted was crazy! They would start a fire, throw on all their meat, get bored and drunk and dissappear. The meat would lie on a plate, then get showered by the storm. Cayley's had lasagne for the first night. She left what was left on the table in the rain, guess what she had for breakfast? Hehe. For her sake she only had 2 bites.

Pose Paula... yes yes... your a tiger... growl... more more.... show us your claws.... snap snap.... your in the jungle.. your a wild and vicious animal! Paula posing for future FHM.

Troy, Daniel and Paula... puff puff pass.

Daniel... are you still in your PJ'S? Daniel and Carla having good times!

Its amazing how good times move so fast. You know, one moment you waiting for it, the next your driving back. A week ago we were sitting around the campfire, having drinks and just enjoying our final day.

I see they already have the date set for next year march. Check it out at the Splashy Fen website.

Hope I get hold of that video soon.

There are some other pictures on my sisters site of splashy if you want. Go here to view. Kevin Cadman has also posted some from his experience. Go here to see his.

Until next year

The Living alarm

2007-04-12T22:02:00.000+02:00

Hey guys.

Short post. Been a long week. It is hard to think a week ago I was at Splashy Fen. Time just seems to fly by so fast!

I spoke about The Living Alarm in a previous post. They playing a gig tomorrow night at The Willovale pub or something to that effect . They are playing there at 8pm I believe it is, so if your keen head on down there. I will probably be there so it should be good, no Stealth Security!

In the meantime ,you can check out a video of there's here when they played live at burn I believe it was.

Until Next Blog....

Is God trying to tell me something?

2007-04-11T22:23:00.000+02:00

Hey

Just a quick post.

I'm getting an old friend smsing me a lot about Jesus and Judgement and stuff, Im getting posts by anonymous on my blogs with regards to religion, there are other small little signs that keep popping up in my face encorouging me to turn back to God.

Or is it the fact that we tend to build ourselves up and choose what we want to see, maybe even what we want to believe. I believe that I am a rational guy and that I always look and judge fairly in my decisions, wether it be between people, or what I believe.

This is my problem. Why do people always have to use the fear of hell as a weapon. I will be honest, a place like hell scares me to death (ahem) but I do not really know how to change that.

If I am to convert to Christ due to the fact I am going to hell, why would he accept me anyway? I am not coming to him out of love , but out of fear. In a selfish way I am using his salvation. I am using salvation for my own means, to escape hell.

Kevin Parry wrote a good post on the topic of hell a few weeks ago which is definatly a good read. It seems like hell is always a last resort for christians. In the real world, fear is always the final option in manipulating people to do what you want. To get people to stop murdering or raping, goverments will instill the death penalty. When christians cannot people to follow Christ out of love, they will then use fear (such as hell) to get them to come to God.

Unfortunatly all this ever does is create a temporary christian. When emotions and hype has run out, they are left with who they really are, and fall away. How many times on youth camps or christian festivals and youth rally's have you seen this happen. It was always mind boggling. Within two weeks christians fell back into their normal routine and started to doubt God again. People would come back from camps, ready to preach to the world, and abstain from any relationships unless it would be someone they would marry. Within two weeks this all changes .

I have given up trying to disprove God. I believe he exists. Wether it is indoctrination or God's spirit, I dont know. I just know I cannot seem to give up on it. I have not become christian, but I am trying to find the road again I guess. I have been praying for truth, yet nothing much has happened. Will just have to see what happens.

A big fear that has crept over me is the whole issue of how short life is and how death is constantly breathing down our necks. This has been haunting me for a while. Not that I will die tomorrow, but rather I have thought about how short life really is . I have now lived about 1/4 of my life(I am 22). One day, I will maybe be 80 years old. I am scared of that. I am scared because I will look back and wonder where it all went. My school years have evaporated into thin air. My friends that I have now would probably no longer exist. I would drive past houses and shopping centers of where I used to drive around when I was this age. I would look at where I used to work. Maybe I would look back at this website and wonder "what happened".

It is scaring me about how short life is, and as much as I am enjoying it now, I see that I will still want to live, even when I am old. What scares me aswell is what might await on the other side of death. Both options scare me equally. The thought of waking up to hell, or never waking up at all. It seems all too much a waste to rot into nothing with the brains that we have. This concious that I hold. These thoughts, memories and ideas. It seems so unreal that this is all nothing end of the day. What ever we are building up to, wherever humankind, or existance is going, is all nothing!

This wrestles with my brain. I think it is time to go to bed, will pick it up another day!

Goodnight

Post Truamatic splashy!

2007-04-10T19:04:00.000+02:00

Eish

Well where do I begin. What an awesome experience! It has been a long time since I enjoyed something like that in a long time. I am still a bit tired at the moment but nothing to complain, one complaint maybe, that I could go back. It always happens!

I just cannot believe how long I waited for it, and how quickly it went.

On thursday I was able to get off work at 12 and make one or two stops before picking up Carla and going home to pack. Now the frustration is this, I did not pack the night before and when I got home, was still just not in the mood to pack. Anyway I started. My sister arrives home from Varsity only to find out she still has to pack. We eventually left at 3pm(which was supposed to be LATEST at 2pm). We made a quick stop at the garage and were on our way.

We made a quick stop in Pietermaritzburg to fetch our tent and made our way off again. Making the turn off the highway I got excited thinking we were almost there. Fuck me was I wrong! Another 80km's inland and a few kms on a dirt road showed us the way to splashy, not before being stopped at a road block, which was a bit nerve wrecking for us for a few reasons.

We eventually got there at about 630pm ,bombarded with a queue,tried to find our fellow campers. We eventually found them on the far side of the campside....next to horses! I mean fuck, you smell them a mile away!

We started to set up our tent and realised I know nothing about camping. So Daniel came to our rescue, not realising that alcohol seriously prohibits your ability to think and act in a proper manner. About an hour later, what was supposed to be a 2 sleeper turned out to be something like an 8 sleeper, with a canopy! I wasnt complaining, let alone we were pitched halfway into the drive through. 5 Mins later, the rain came down, and it came down, and the thunder struck and roared at us, and I went into my tent, and drifted off into sleep.

We woke up the next day ,sun shining, drunkards moaning and my stomach aching. We started to drink.What an amazing day. We sat around our campsite and then made our way at about 5pm up to the burn tent with our 2 litre Smirnoff Vodka and Coke in hand. On the way we passed Kevin's tent. Daniel started, in his drunken state, tackling people. He tackles Kyle and in the process, kyle swings his Klipdrift bottle at his head while falling hard to the ground. Daniel recovers. He then goes for me, picking him up by the waist, I swung him around and dropped him gently (hehe) on his head. I decided to give up.

We arrived at the burn tent and started watching the bands. Most of these bands I have seen before at burn but really played awesome shows. After waiting about 2 hours, standing in the front row, my eagerly anticipated band walked on stage. The living alarm are a punk band from durban. I have met two of the guys before and when I spoke to their drummer at burn I was always keen to watch them live. Well now I got the chance.... FUCK!

I have never gone so wild before to a band. They reminded me somewhat of Anti-Flag. I enjoy Pennywise, Anti-Flag, Bad Religion , NOFX, so if you enjoy listening to these sort of bands you have to listen to them. Playing a Johnny Cash cover sent the crowd rocking out. The Mosh pit went wild and it was obvious the Security could not contain this crowd. Check out there page and come and watch them sometime. Really awesome!

Following them were the Tubby Wilsons. Now this band was also impressive. I really enjoyed them besides the fact we had security in front of us coming into the pit calming guys down and saying no "moshing", which I feel was creating more of a disaster than anything else. They played a really tight set until the guitarist climbed on top of the speaker high above everyone, what a vibe, until the backstage guy came on and told him to get down.

Finally the last band came on and the guys started to mosh until the security started throwing guys out. The guys were getting really pissed off because you cannot stand still with bands like these. Everyone is always helping you up if you fall so I do not really know what the problen was. Eventually the one guy came back in who they threw out and the bouncer grabbed him in which we all grabbed the bouncer and tried to pull him off. Thats when the band stopped playing.

Apparently the reason they stopped the pit was because some girl broke her ribs, which I found out later was all bullshit! She was on some guys shoulders while in the pit (dumb bitch) ,fell off and people fell over her.Apparently, I heard via the medical team there they were not even broken. If you dont want to risk the chance of being hurt ,dont go in. No one is throwing fists or elbows, its just good fun to rock out! What was funny was we started chanting "fuck security"!

I would have love to have seen "We stole snowy" though, I really enjoy them and I think they have a very different style to bring to splashy. The Underoath, Funeral for a friend sort of vibe! Just check out there page and if you get the chance try and watch them live ,really impressive!

Hope to see all these bands soon, good luck guys with the South African Market, I know its tough but its bands like you guys that play what you live and keep local alive. Check out other local bands here

Anyway, I retired to bed at about 345am pretty tired but feeling good. It is so cold! I got back to the tent finding out from Carla that it had collapsed earlier that night from the storm. She tried to get hold of me but I was watching the bands so I couldnt hear anything. One of the other guys came and helped her out.

Breakfast usually consisted of somewhat a mixture of Baked beans,egg,bacon,beef and some other stuff. Really good for the stomach in the moring, awesome stuff. The other meal I constantly had was the traditional Bacon and Egg Roll, who can beat a meal like that in the morning, even if it is 2am.

Sunday were having thoughts of leaving so that we may have the monday to ourselves due to the public holiday, as the day progressed, so our campfire warmed our bodies and conversations. Meeting up with a few more people at our campsite we relaxed and gelled out around our campfire. Not much alcohol was consumed which made it a nice final day. We retired into a tent and sta talking and joking about shit.

We were up at 9am the next day and left at about 10am. Stopped in Underberg and grabbed some breakfast before the trip back and made our way home. I will have pictures in due time. I didnt have a camera so I will rely on my fellow campers.

Enjoy your evening and will post soon.

Splashy Fen is on!

2007-04-04T19:46:00.000+02:00

Hey guys

Tomorrow is going to be big, I mean big. It is the start of splashy fen 2007. For those of you who are from another country, for us in south africa it is probably the biggest jol of the year. It is like the warped tour of south africa. It is a chance for todays youth (anyone as a matter of fact) to go out for 4 nights over Easter weekend, where everything you do on a friday night with a whole lot of friends as doubled, and spread over 5 days!

I have everything I need.

Tent?Check!

Mattress?Check!

Vodka?Check!

Coke?Check!

Cigarettes?Check!

That seems about it, that should last me the 4 nights..... I think im forgetting something.

Thats it!

More Vodka?Check!

How about Tequila(eish)? Check!

Well you can check out the site here, im not going to explain everything I need, just know there is a pretty good lineup of bands.

On thursday and friday night there will be the burn tent which always promises to be a kicker. And they always deliver. I see bands like Mea, Tubby Wilsons, The living alarm and some other good bands will be playing. If you go to burn, you will have no doubt have heard them before.

Anyway, here is the picture from last year.

I will be leaving at about two tomorrow afternoon. It is still a working day so I know most people wont be going up until that evening or friday morning. My friend is leaving at 8 tomorrow morning to grab a good spot for us!

I hope to see some of you there!

Until Tuesday

Baaai

What if?

2007-04-01T10:48:00.000+02:00

Hey

Just stumbled across this clip. Imagine you were eventually able to go back into the past and change some things. Imagine going back and screwing up the crucifixion?

Cheers all

What if your wrong?

2007-04-01T01:49:00.000+02:00

Hey

Been busy busy busy. Watched a video clip on Richard Dawkings earlier this evening and one question asked "what if your wrong?"

Give it a thought....

How funny it could be. What if you believe in christianity your whole life, you accept what ever is told you, even if God sounds cruel. You accept that that is God and who are you to question him, and you persever in faith. One morning, you wake up to a heart attack and you wake up in hell. You find out all the fucking muslims have gone to heaven because Allah and Mohamed were the right belief. See the guys who bombed the twin towers sitting with Allah.

The funniest thing to see if you ever had to hit a heaven or a hell, would be the look on the faces of athiests. Hehe, I dont think Richard Dawkings would be able to pass that off as an illusion or delusion. You would pretty much feel like a nitwit.

Hehe, sit a point and go "you dumb fuck!"

Sorry bout the language.

Here is a good chuckle

Good times were had by all

2007-03-24T08:07:00.000+02:00

Ugh, lets just say the morning is black and white, my head feels heavier than my entire body and I feel so weak I could barely lift my hand.

Happy Birthday Kevin!

Last night was a celebration which had devastating effects on my body. On monday I recieved an invitation to Kevin's 24'th birthday celebration. This was combined with 2 other mates of his. A Ricksha bus was hired and was planning to meet and pick us up at Joe Kools at 8pm. This was to be a momentous occasion!

I arrived at Joe Kools at about 730pm carrying my 12 pack of Hunters Gold and a bottle of Tequila for Kevin. I did not know anyone there so there were introductions, yet we all know you dont remember who your being introduced to.

8PM we made our way onto the bus and travelled around Durban pub hopping......

Ok, Im going to post this when Im more sober, it is 8am and I am mother fucked!

Hopefully Kevin will post the pictures soon.

(I left the tequila in the car, thank God I did)

bye

1 or 2 more comments for "anonymous"

2007-03-14T20:40:00.000+02:00

Anonymous

One of the frustrating things about having an argument about God, especially with christians, is their amazing ability to twist a persons words around as to assume the person has no idea what he/she is talking about.

I should have seen what I was saying and defended it before I posted my comment. Your whole comment on "religion". I know well enough what the existance of God is and the relationship of Jesus thereof, as opposed to you assuming I see religion as a set of laws and morals combined by human effort. When I use the word "religion" I talk of the christian religion as it is assumed to be, through the bible.

With regards to Gods will and commandment, I mean to say that it is too hard to follow. How can anyone follow such high laws. By this I do not mean, sexual immorality, debauchery or other such "obvious" sins, but rather pride, failing to love others and altogether, the greatest struggle, disbelief!

How can you repent from something, without a cause. Just as Kevin mentioned in his response to you, athiests do not hold a belief, yet it does not mean they are immoral or sinful. In God's eyes, yes, but only if one believes in God. If one battles to grasp God, and believe in Jesus, how can he repent of his sins? It does not make sense. How do you repent, and ask for forgiveness of your sins, and hold the hope that you are forgiven, if you do not even believe it can be done.

If I dont believe in Jesus, I dont believe the forgiveness of sin, and therefore cannot truly repent, because the equation is incomplete.

Scripture states that you are to confess with your mouth and believe in you heart that Jesus is Lord you will be saved. In Acts , when Peter preached to the Jews on the day of pentecost, surely they believed first. They asked "what can we do to be saved?" It says they were cut to the heart. I do not understand how one is cut to the heart of their sin, without having the belief in God or Jesus.

You know, I do not deny God's existance. I cannot match up with Christ, or with anything. Today at work, they started a christian get-together during lunch and it was the first meeting. One of the guys asked me and I decided to go. There were about six of us. I went there with and open and searching mind. I explained my situationa and really enjoyed the talk we had. This is because I am still trying and what annoys and frustates me the most is when people do not learn to have compassion.

I do not know who I am talking to here but I just wish , that if God would exists , and Jesus would exist, that he would grant you compassion and understanding of what it means to be a sinful person , and as scripture reads ,"remember the height from which you have fallen." I do have the scriptures on me, but there is a scripture that read something like "those who have forgiven much, love much". You fail to actually relate to what it is to be in a "hurting, sinful, and broken world". These qualties I feel would get you much more results and make you a far more effective and useful person to God.

I do not feel you relate to any of what I say and have no understanding of any of this and it frustrates me. I know you want to defend your God and present his case, but you are fighting against something you do not understand. You label people according to their sins. You see me and you think of sin.(Foul mouth, drug addict, satanic worshipper, drunkyard etc.) You label people according to their sins.

You see the devil in everything and everyone, yet you fail to see the person and try to understand what they are going through. Try to understand that maybe that person is going through much more than what you thought. That one day, if you had to go to heaven, and God had to replay your life, he would show you my life and probably the life of others, and show how incompassionate you were to others. I do not feel you know what it is to be broken and torn.

I am sorry if I have got a bit personal but it is all meant out of respect. Everything you say is what I have learned in the past and is what I probably would have said. Yet after going through what I have gone through this past year and a half, I have come to realise how wrong I was, I understood nothing on what it was to be saved.

If I were to be saved again, and convinced of Jesus, I would see everything much differently, and would have a much greater understanding of salvation.

Tribute to some bands

2007-03-11T09:23:00.000+02:00

This might seem like a bit of a soppy post but I dont think it is when I explain to you all that is contained in here.

These bands have made huge differences in my life. Yet we all know as life goes on and people change, so can bands. These two bands have broken up now and have gone off on their own routes.

First band and all time band for me was Blink 182. Now many may say that they are another commercialised band and are for teeny boppers. I used to only listen the the radio and only the songs that played on the radio. I used to listen to mainly rave and trance and a lot of hip hop . Until one day, when I was 14, I heard this song on the radio which caught my attention. "Whats my age again" was playing and it just really caught me. After taping it onto cassete off the radio(back in the day) I would listen to it every day. What caught me funny enough was the palm mute on the guitar during the second verse(I did not know anything about music back in that day).

I searched them on internet and downloaded "dammit" ,in those days mp3's were more freely available on internet(I feel old now). Dammit got me hooked! It hit every part of my emotions. It took me through everything I felt, it took me through what I was feeling at the time. I went and bought their CD "Enema of the state".

This lead me onto other bands such as Pennywise, Bad Religion, Greenday(dookie), Offspring(Smash) and it just grew.

They broke up I believe about a year ago. Tom had a fight with Mark and Travis. He said he was burning out and just wanted to be with his family and had a break. They had to cancel half their tour for him and he said he wanted an "indefinite" break. Something like up to 6 months, but he was not sure. He wanted complete control over the band. He wanted their new album only recorded at his house. Mark and Travis had to send through their music files to each other and that how they would record, not together.

There was a big fight and they left off on a bad note. Tom changed his number and quit the band through their manager. The manager told them he did not want any of them trying to contact him and that would be it, the end of blink 182, something like 15 years of playing together in a succesful band.

Tom, during Blink 182 created Box Car Racer, which was very good but when Blink 182 broke up he created "Angels and Airwaves", which has not been a big hit. It is believed he still plays some blink songs at his own concerts which is wrong.

Mark and Travis went on to create (+44) which has been doing quite well, but those who were fans of Blink 182, know that it would never be the same.

You can see the interview with Mark here, anyway here is their last video released.

Another band I started listening to about 4 years ago was a band named finch. Most people in South Africa would not have heard them, but I do believe they became pretty big. They had their own sound which I heard somewhere started off the whole "screamo" thing but I still actually haven't found bands that compare to them. They had a darker, saddened side to some of their songs. People say they were emo but I do not think you could put them into a genre, they had their own style .

They released "What it is to burn" but two years later they released another album that just was not the same. They tried a whole new style, it was neither here nor there and I believe a lot of fans were dissapointed. They eventually broke up and went their own directions. Here is one of my favorite songs by them.

Anyway, chat later

Another useless addition to my blog

2007-03-11T09:14:00.000+02:00

Ok, so you will notice the map on my blog.

Thought it would be cool during the time that I blog where people are veiwing from. No doubt you will see it all sitting in south africa, and maybe one or two elsewhere.

Anyway

Annoyance #1

2007-03-10T23:32:00.000+02:00

Hey everyone.

Let me tell you one thing that annoys me.

In todays age we have freedom of speech and freedom to choose what we want to believe and do/or not do what we want, within boundries.

I dont mind people sending me messages about God's footprints, hand prints, how he walked , danced or carried me. I dont mind when people share stories of how God blessed them or some cousin they knew.

This is what gets me. When people claim that their belief holds the knowledge and the power and unless your pass it on to 347 people on you mailing list, you are not being obedient to their "God" and will therefore, be cursed with the ten plagues of Egypt.

What makes it worse than that is when people create these messages and mention in the end about how we will all pass on a rude joke, or something funny, yet think twice about forwarding something about Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed or which ever person is playing their harp on cloud nine.

There is a big difference! I do not send rude jokes to some friends of mine who I know would get offended by such a joke, just as I will not forward Religous messages to those who are not religous and really could not give a shit wether or not they would be blessed. They do not believe in blessings and curses from a deity, so why would you assume they are "missing the blessing" if they do not recieve it.

I will forward such a message who I know would be appreciative of such a message and/or is going through a hard time and might give them some cheer. Other than that, stop trying to lay a guilt trip just because the past 500 messages you created did not go past 1 party, and you see the only way to get your "succesful" message out is by manipulating weak people and getting them to pass them on.

Please stop being such manipulative, self righteous, arrogant, know it all , self opiniated leeches that like to prey on others.

K?

Have a nice day now

What!?

2007-03-09T22:37:00.000+02:00

Let me go through what you have just said.

"You want to believe in a god who will give you pleasure - your list of your god's qualifications rests entirely on your own satisfaction (not going to hell, giving you refuge, giving you comfort etc.) In short, your god is too small and it is the god of pleasure (you may have noticed that since you decided what your god should be giving you - and you went looking for your self-satisfying god - that not only did your god give you alcohol and debauchery, but your god blessed you with slavery to work and a foul mouth). "

Let me show you the problem with this statement. Firstly, I do not understand how you have come up with the definition of pleasure. What is pleasure, and why is it bad. The God you present represents somewhat a charachter that can only be identified as a hitler. Secondly your understanding of pleasure only stems from the bible.(or your interpretation thereof) You defend God by trying to show how everything else in this world is bad. A person holds a foul mouth, he therefore has no moral interest, no concern to ANY sort of morale that may be contained in this world, let alone God's law. How is it that you create everything in this world to be sinful and wrong and against God? I take it you believe that everything is to be done for God, anything outside of that is acting in rebellion to God. You become slaves to a master which people stumble all the time.

You use the statement "your God" a few times and I would like to know how you can make such assumptions about people. You assume that people worship alcohol, tv, sports, fashion, politics, their job, relationship, friendships, music, etc etc and because of these various factors it has become the reason they no longer serve God. I hate to burst your bubble, but why do so many people stumble from God, why can people not stay in the religion? They start to stumble and eventually the guilt and the frustration overwhelms them, and then they eventually fall. It is mostly those who are insecure, alone, and feel a reason or a need to live. Without that they know they are nothing in the world. This is why so many weak people are caught into cults and why the weaker people are always easier to manipulate. This is why the bible calls us to have faith like children, because end of the day, when you feel alone and vulnerable, you will always cling to what feels safe(parents) and believe what they say.

I do not understand what you are trying to say about slavery with work. I enjoy my job! Everyone has to work and everyone needs to earn a living, I am earning an honest living! I do not understand what point you are trying to make by that statement. Are you blessed with not having to work?

What I find amazing is that man's rejection of the True Living God NEVER, EVER leads to any desire to follow after righteousness as presented in the Bible. Surely, in the supposedly statistically random world of the atheist there would be some atheists that would naturally yearn for what the Bible presents as Godliness? But no, they're all the same - foul mouthed, drunken and wallowing in what the Bible clearly presents as sin. Its so obvious its painful.

I can see by this statement that you are not aware of what goes on in the real world. So heavenly minded, no earthly good. In your ministry I pray you do not have to minister to those in the world because you will convince many that God is a hitler. The tone in your statement holds no love for those who are "lost". Those who are hurting. Those who wake up everyday wishing they didnt. Your statement holds no compassion and no understanding of what it may mean to be lost. I can tell that you were probably young/or still are when you were saved and never saw the world the way it is. I am guessing you were in high school when you were saved and therefore thinks he/she know the world. You dont! My biggest regret, after walking out of the church, was realising how much I did not try and understand those outside of the religion, it would have changed the way I would have ministered.

Reject the Living God and you embrace the god of this world. Get a real picture of God - He's not there to give you Easter eggs and Christmas presents - He's there to give your life to. And that takes a whole lot more guts than any atheist who gives his or her life to selfishness.

I do not embrace the "god of this world", I have maybe turned to myself, because God held nothing for me. You make it so easy. You make it so simple. Are you even aware as to how others are thinking? How others are feeling. Maybe you are just the lucky one of the few who actually do not have the struggles in your head. It must be bliss being able to accept something without questioning. You never answered the statements in my last post. How do you change a mans heart to God. His heart and mind continue to struggle, the strongest will always win. You cannot determine who will win. Only God can be the one to influence you, and if he is trying, he is doing a really bad job at it, and he needs to try harder! I am battling and getting tired of trying to convince myself.

If you just cant..... then what can you do. If you just have no strength to accept or try, how do you change that. If your mind overpowers you all the time, how do you convince yourself.

Psychology is a messed up subject, because it just proves that the mind is who we are, the brain is me. The way I am formed in my early life, produces the person I am today. How can I fight myself. How do I divide myself.

Please take the personal remarks whichever way you want, you were blunt in your writings .

Response to anonymous: The problem with my head!

2007-03-05T19:00:00.000+02:00

Dear anonymous.

Your statements no doubt hold some truth and a lot of it can be well understood by the christian and those who can just accept things the way they are. Yet you fail to realise that just because you can accept a belief without understanding it, does not mean that everyone else can so easily make that decision.

I believe it was C.S Lewis that discussed the problem of evil in such a way that evil was not created, but rather it was truth or knowledge of something good, used in the wrong way. Sex is not evil, when used in the wrong way, this is when it is considered evil. Now you probably think I have used the knowledge or truth that I hold in the wrong way, as to create a wrong understanding, or convince myself of something better suited to me. Let me put forward my struggle.

Seeing as you are so familiar with my blogs you might want to reread some of my older posts where I discuss the issues of the battles of the mind. What I may want to do, or want to believe is one thing. It is my will to do the act, To carry it out is very different. I may want to believe that Father Christmas exists and that he will bring me presents every year. I know in all my heart it does not happen and he does not exist. It is the same as God, in all my heart I wish God would exist. I wish I could pray and believe in something higher than me. Someone that I can find comfort and refuge in. Someone who brings light upon my soul when it surrounded by darkness. To believe that when I die I there will be a continuation. That I may, if I believe, enter God's kingdom.

The problem with this is that I just cannot believe such a thing. My mind is over analyzing everything I type. I just cannot believe. It is not that I dont want to, It is the point I am trying to make, I just cannot accept it. Maybe it is the fact that I feel burned by God and religion. That when I seeked him the most, when I searched the deepest waters, turned over every rock, searched to the ends of the earth, looked for him within my soul, within my darkest days he was not there to be found. I had no comfort. I had no strength. I had no will to carry on anymore, it all became a burden. It came to a point where I would rather die than go through the torment in my soul.

I thought by running away he would chase after me, I looked behind me and did not see him there, I saw no footprints next to me yet I was walking, alone. I do not know what God considers to be broken, if I did not just go through it. I cannot got through all the details of my deconversion but it is like breaking off a relationship with someone you love dearly, and you are just hurt too many times by them. There are still songs that play today that make me think about how much I want to believe , and how I cannot just get there.

I have tried numerous times to search for him again, but all I find is hurt and pain. I do not want to go through everything I went through again and land up in the same position again. It was too much for me to bear. My friends did not see what I went through because I was not around, I excluded myself from the world and just worked. Those at work knew I went through something and many tried to comfort me but no one could do it, they did not know what to say because they saw how much it hurt me inside.

What sane person on this earth would actually choose hell? The hell that is generally accepted? It is to this day still my greatest fear, and I dont know how to change it. When I think about it I think about how I would only accept Christ then due to the fact that I knew now that it was real. God was real, the devil, Jesus. I know by then it would be too late.

I should I be saved? Should I use "Pascal's wager", due to the fact that I have nothing to lose I should just believe incase? That is not belief! You would still go to hell, because even though have accepted, your heart still does not believe! Should I believe so I dont go to hell, well same thing, I would still go, because I would still not believe in my heart, I would be believing with a selfish heart. One way or another I am fucked! I just cannot commit. Is it because God gave me this brain that cannot just accept what may be real. Then where is free will. No man is able to have free will over his mind. His mind is who he is. If his mind cannot accept God, it is not himself. I cannot make myself love someone who I just cant. I may try my hardest, whose fault is it that he cannot hold those emotions or feelings.

To answer your other argument, why do I sit in the middle? This is because I am still trying to figure it all out. I have not given up. I am hanging on with everything I have. Even though my belief is gone. Or maybe it isn't , maybe I am just so consfused. The past month has been very worrying for me as I have very awful feelings of death, and death being upon me. I feel him breathing in my ear. I have been having dreams and yet I still cannot come to acceptance, it is too much. It is as though I am still hanging onto a belief in the easter bunny, even though every part of me knows he does not exist.

Maybe that will clarify some things up.

Please go through my first few blogs, this might help you understand the beginning stages.

Coming Soon, to a Blog near you!

2007-03-02T23:48:00.000+02:00

Ok, I admit, its not funny. Its slack and lazy of me to have not been posting anything of late. To be really honest, and I am not making excuses, I really have not had the time to post any blogs. Due to the amount of time I have been working overtime at work I have been battling to even talk about my day.

Wow, what a stressfull past 3 weeks or so. I have been doing a lot of overtime seeing as it is Year end in the business, we have to get all our shit together, plus I need the extra money, so I am really not complaining. I am extremely tired and tend to be in bed by 10 each night. Those who know me will know that it is nothing out of the ordinary for me, but I do appreciate my sleep, and do feel it if I do not have my recommended 8 hours sleep each day.

Ok , first thing before I start rambling on about the past few weeks, I have to post a comment to anonymous in regards to the past few comments that were left on some of my posts. I seem to think that this is the same person, I may be wrong, but very similar questions asked.

I firmly believe I have been very honest with myself and everyone around me when I talk about my thoughts and feelings on this life and on the topic of God. I do not believe I have been trying to convince myself otherwise. It is better for the person who has walked down a path and has looked at all its qualities and bases their knowledge on what they have gathered together, rather than the person who went into something blindly, not learning any truth.

I might not have learnt much truth in my walk but I have certainly gained a lot of questions which beg to be answered. After much searching ,these answers still have not risen and I have become weary in searching and have quietened down in my search. I wish I had the answers. The answers which have been given to me have not been adequete for my mind.

Now you will speak that the mind will just gather knowledge, then rot and turn to dust. Is that all you see to life? Was there not some reason you were put on this earth if it was by God. I do not believe God ever condemned knowledge. Rather he always asked us to search for the truth. "My people will die due to a lack of knowledge". Now we may say this lack of knowedge is him. Yet how do we gain it. Did I look with the wrong heart? Was my mind not formed in a way that I may better use it to search after God. Why does it always seem that those who give there lives so quickly over to God is because they have nothing? They may feel lonely in life, they feel life is unfulfilling, and that they do not see the point to living here. Those who lose everything, always cry upon God, why? This is because they have nothing else to look to, and maybe, just maybe, God might be there to help them through it all. It is like wishing upon a shooting star. People know it wont work, yet many still do in a time of need.

When people have nothing left, emotionally or physically, they will look for that higher being because they really have nothing else to lose. Why is it so hard to understand that not everything needs a point to it. This life does not have to have a point as to why we are living. I do not understand the point of mosquitoes, yet they are here to irritate the shit out of me, but I just accept it and carry on living.

Im tired right now, I cant think straight, so I am going to head off to bed, I have to work in the morning til 12, then going to the rugby. Will carry on this topic when I have the energy to.

ok.....bye

Thoughts on the weekend.

2007-02-15T21:57:00.000+02:00

OK, listen, I know this is a bit of a late post but I was busy on the whole cocaine blog, reading up about it that I really didnt have the time to post a blog on the weekend, not that it was much different than any other....

What has been cool about the past few weekends is that I have hooked up with old friends of mine back from the days of spur. Jason and Clifton were managers with me and when I started going out with Carla I did not see them much. Everyone knows how much that seems to happen when you have a new relationship.

Now we religiously go out every sunday night ,starting at about 4pm, going to various pubs and just have a few quiet ones. Now those of you who have worked in the hospitality industry will know that you tend to get your off days over mondays, so for Jason and Clifton, they would finish early sunday, and have monday off. My problem being I still have to work the next day. No worries, I still always intend to make it the best night.

Jason and I made our way to greenman to catch a round of drinks there before eventually driving to Skaramouch to meet up with Clifton, call it a guys night if you want but that is what it has become. Catching a few more dops there and playing one or two games of pool we were really getting into the mood. We took a drive back to greenman, feeling a little on the drunk side, jamming to an old tune on the cd. You may know it, Its called"Sit down(Next to me)" sung by James. The chorous hits the words a little like "oh sit down oh sit down, sit down next to meeee, sit down sit down...." A really vibey tune. Now we then started back to Skaramouch knowing that the kareoke would be set up and the place would be busier by now. We were interupted on our way there by a call to Clifton by this girl that he has been with forever, wanting to know where he was. Now I do not know the situation of their relationship but I can tell you it is probably more one of those physical things than emotional. Now the problem with this is that the looks on the species are somewhat dismal.

After trying to get her off the phone with Cliff, convincing her that this was his night with his mates, we tell her that we are at some other place having drinks. Meanwhile we were on our way back. She hung up. As we proceeded through the doors of Skaramouch, I noticed out the corner of my eye, that very same girl charge up to Cliff, fold her arms, stop in front of him, battering her eyelids, she dipped her head,and looked at him and said "AND?"

Trues fucking Bob, Cliff just looked at her in shock and proceeded to give her an explanation while Jason and I made for the bar. We grabbed a table with some other mates we met there and started having a jol. We went up and grabbed the mike and jammed to "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Greenday, hitting the tunes and knocking the solo's. Amazing how you always forget how much of a bad singer you really are when you have alcohol running through your blood.

Unfortunatly, at certain intervals of the evening we had to be entertained by Cliff's Girl and her idiotic ramblings. You know the times where you try everything to get the person to seal their lips for 5 mins and they still just do not get the point! Anyway, seeing as I had to work the next day I had to be on my way home to catch some doo doo's, not that I was able to sleep.

A pretty awesome sunday,and each one after that exceeds my expectations. Looking forward to this Sunday!

One or two thoughts before I go and sleep:

1)I am so pissed off that the Coca Cola Colab is not coming to Durban! Evanescance and Hoobastank will be playing. Thought of making the trip to JHB but it is just too far and too much money for one fuckin concert, maybe next year I will budget.

2)Splashy Fen is coming up,I am still deciding on wether to buy a ticket or not. I am not a camper and I like my sanitation, so its a hard one for me. I have bought 3 years in a row and have sold them at the last minute because I wasn't up for it.

3)Valentines Day yesterday, apologies to those who are single. It was my first valentines day that I was in a relationship, So I went through 21 years of it. So what, no need to get sore on other people. Went out for dinner with Carla, bought each other something, it was really nice.

4) Going on course for VW tomorrow, not really sure what it is about, last minute thing, get to test drive some cars I heard, should be cool, hopefully I will learn a lot more, God knows I need it.

Goodnight, sleep tight.

Enjoy your weekend!

Sharks playing on Saturdya 8:30pm, should be a hectic game!

Cocaine

2007-02-11T10:50:00.000+02:00

OK, I am not going to discuss my interest in this subject or why I am talking about it but I have just been looking up a bit of it on the interenet to find out exactly what It is all about. I thought some of you mind find this and interesting read.

I found a really good site on this , go here to see the research.

Now to discuss the effects first when your having cocaine. The general short term effects of cocaine are and increase in heart rate and blood pressure, therefore creating heightened energy levels. Think of yourself as having 5 Red Bulls. You become a lot more alert and aware of everything around you. Your pupils will dilate and you will sometimes shake. This is all obviously from the increased heart rate. One of the other effects of cocaine is sustained hunger. You may be starving , but if you take cocaine, you dont crave food for another good few hours.

These reasons are why cocaine is so popular. I have seen people who used to smoke weed and other "weaker drugs" tend to stop altogether and just take cocaine. When a person smokes weed and just drinks alcohol, they become "goofed" and feel that complete peace of mind. With cocaine, a person is heightened into a level of ecstacy. Not one in which you become unaware of your surroundings but totally the opposite. When a person drinks, they may tend to take cocaine because it counteracts the affect in your brain, therefore, not feeling dizzy and heavy head you feel. At times the person may not even wake up from a hangover.

Cocaine brings that confident self out. I am not talking about a fake person. I stated one of the effects of cocaine is a mental alertness, therefore you find you are more confident and your sense of understanding is heightened. Cocaine users start to think a lot. They become deep in thought and that is why sometimes the side affects may be one of restlessness and irritability, depending on what is plauging their sub-conscious of course.

I read that the drug can be picked up in your blood stream up to a period of three weeks.

The dangers of cocaine can be heart attacks, resipatory failure and other similar effects.

People who do cocaine on a regular basis have these common "tell signs" such as a lot of sniffing. It tends to happen the following day. Dry nose so it can be reddish in colour. When a person takes it they will perspire a lot and at times can be a bit shaky.

Anyway, just a few facts I looked into. I have not gone into how it affects the brain to cause the feeling that one feels when they are on cocaine. Going to look a bit more into and post in another blog.

PLease note that I have not come to a conclusion as to wether it is a dangerous drug or not. I have known 2 people who turned for the worse with it. Yet I know 5 times more people who did it often over a longer period of time and are still fine. They have stopped at times for a while without taking.

It tends to depend on the situation you are in I find when a person takes it. Those who take it every morning before work or school to get through the day are the ones who tend to go into the wrong direction. Everyone has to have limits. Those who take it on a social basis tend to handle it better and are of more sober mind.

Its all about control. Anything in life that controls you is wrong. Food controls people. Ciggarettes control people. Drugs control people. Alcohol controls people. These different scenarios all have the same effect. They have that hold over a person where they do not have the strength to fight against it, it becomes stronger than themselves. The need becomes greater than the want.

Those who sit on the side and preach how bad it is I think do not understand the drug itself. We are all taught many things in school and by our parents. Yet how many people actually listen to some of the things being said. You will hear many who may have never done drugs ramble on how bad it all is and that such a person is being stupid, but how many of those same people will get drunk, every weekend at a club or bar, and climb behind the wheel or in a car with a few friends a drive home.

Cocaine can kill one person at a time, drinking and driving can kill more than one. People are hypocritical, they judge something before they even understand it. I believe there are far greater issues than the issue of drugs.

Anyway, will post more on the topic soon. If your going to argue with it, do so in a civilised fashion. I really dont want to hear about how bad it is because there teacher told them or a friend of a cousins friend told them so. Out of all the people who do drugs, what percentage of them have died or are in rehabilitation? I would like to know that answer.

Anyway, just a few thoughts to get you thinking, dont go and tell everyone now drugs are good, just make your own decision based on a logical reason.

Have a good night.

Bert is evil

2007-02-11T09:22:00.000+02:00

Ha ha

Spot Bert

I remember stumbling over this page when I was like twelve and never saw it again. I dont know what made me do it but I remembered it the other day and googled it and actually found it. Its filled with tons of awesome pictures of Bert from "Sesame street" showing him always at the scene of a crime. I thought it was pretty good the way they did all of it.

The site hasn't been updated in years because I think people complained about it but the content on there is still quite funny. Here is a pic. Check out the rest at Bert is Evil.

Phew! Time to catch my breath.....

2007-02-10T13:27:00.000+02:00

Time is running away from me. I have had hardly any time to catch my breath. I guess a lot of it is due to my own fault. I have started going out a lot more with some of my other friends for drinks and it has been quiet enjoyable. Jason, a good friend, who managed with me at spur, have been hitting some bars such as greenman and stokers and skaramouch at times. It has been great to get out a bit lately.

It is amazing though how the "ambience" or atmosphere is always different between places. When we hit greenman, it tend to be a largley older crowd and too many "ball bags". I tend to enjoy going there because it is more of a relaxed atmosphere compared to stokers and skaramouch which tend to be more vibey and sometimes just too loud. I mean, they had kareoke at skaramouch and we just wanted to chill and talk, but you get so frustrated always shouting over the music.

I relived the older days with Carla and some other older friends of mine a few weeks ago by making our way to burn and then moving over to 54. 54 is not really my choice in club but altogether it was really fun. I saw a LOT of old friends there, heh, some who even went to church with me "back in the day"

The church scene seems so long ago, yet when I moved away from it all was just over a year and a half. Time goes so slowly over shorter periods yet when you look back, it seems to have gone so quickly! Soon I will be 80, pissing in a back, using a crutch to get me around and having had a hip replacement. Talking to my grandchildren(if I ever have any) about how well behaved the youth were in my days and how the world is going to end soon.

A useless dream, but would you not love to just be able to travel to the future and see what has happened to us. To see if you were still living in 60 years time? See your children, grandchildren etc? How much money do you have, are you wealthy, average, or sniffing glue on the street corner? I'd be scared to go to the past because the past can change the future, but the future cannot change the past. Yet you could still change the future by going into the future, because if you came back you would act differently in the present! Its like the butterly effect theory. How a little ripple in the oceon can increase to a tsunami, just like changing one small event, such as your thoughts, can ripple into something really fucked. Ok I just broke my brain thinking about that one. I dont think I believe in time travel, I think by my limited knowledge I see it as impossible. Heh, what is present and what is past and what is future? The future , past and present are all happening at once. Yet they have all come and gone. Weird thought. The past is still coming, because monday will be tuesdays past. Yet what if somewhere in this universe we are already there. Im not going to carry this on, its going to go in a circle, I leave you thinking about this one....

Anyway, went off on a tangent. Will try and blog soon. Off to a party at a work friends place, which I trust to be a very blurred evening mixed with alcohol and music. Need to go and get some dops and braai meat. Until the next blog,

be good!

This blog is not recommended for sensitive viewers.

2007-01-21T16:47:00.000+02:00

Firstly , I would just like to say FUCK!

I have been sitting for half an hour doing some research on I blog I was busy typing out and it crashed on my. I was really putting a lot of effort into it because I was really interested for myself. Call it an online study. Well anyway, its all gone, and I dont have the effort to type another one now so I apologise.

I will post it tomorrow , to let you know I was going through some stats on religion and the rest of the world. Such as geographical places of religion. To which age groups, level of education etc. The largest religions and why. So that I can attack the problems I am seeing with religion and especially superstition, if you can actually devide the two?

Anyway, maybe God did not want me to post the blog so he magically nuked the webpage and created the microsoft error, as to not destroy his works. I dont know. Or maybe it just microsoft and their bullshit coding!

Later

My God.

2007-01-18T22:28:00.000+02:00

Hey everyone, been busy the past few days with work and stuff so I have not been posting anything substantial lately and I do apologise. Carla and I have been going out for 5 months tomorrow 19th and I am really stoked that it has been this long and I hope it will be a lot longer. It has been my longest relationship as I have always battled with the "commitment" part. I used to start going out with someone and would lose interest in 1 week. I guess I enjoyed the chase! Well Carla is one of the first where my feelings didnt die. I just want to say to her I love you and I hope this relationship only continues to grow! Mwah!

Back to the topic on hand. I just want to post some lyrics from one of my favorite bands called Pennywise. I have been listening to them for 6 years now. The song is called "My God" and in some sense i tend to relate to some of it. I expresses a bit of anger and dissapointment in the Christian church and even religion itself. So just give it a read. The lyrics are not enough without the music , but just try to capture what the guys are trying to say.

Chow

Pennywise - My God

People on the street they wannna find a god they'll never know,
organized religion pulls the blinds then they pull the wool,
they open up your head, they're fuckin' with your mind,
now you can't see because you're blind

You try to make amends but your heads still spinnin' round,
the church of Jesus Christ said it's time, don't fuck around,
you wanna go to heaven, you see it isn't free, give your money up to me

My god is not the one that you wanna see, your god is a mirage, a conspiracy, you pray for forgiveness cause your sinnin', scared to death so your money you'll be givin', yeah

Holier than thou with your one way morality,
I think your shallow faith isn't based in reality,
you don't like how were live, we're sinful and obscene,
why are you judgin' me?

You're richer than God but you're cryin' out for more,
you're livin' like a king while you steal from the poor,
wanna be forgiven, get on your knees and pray,
send in your cash and be saved

My god is not the one that you wanna see,
your god is a mirage, a conspiracy,
you pray for forgiveness cause your sinnin',
scared to death so your money you'll be givin', yeah,
better hope you've been chosen to be saved
Cause your empathy only goes so far today
Pay no mind to those in pain,
if you just want the souls who are willing to payTheir way,
your god's not for me

My god is not the one that you wanna see,
your god is a mirage, a conspiracy,
you pray for forgiveness cause your sinnin',
scared to death so your money you'll be givin', yeah,
my god is not the one that you wanna see,
your god is a mirage, a conspiracy,
you pray for forgiveness cause your sinnin',
scared to death so your money you'll be givin', yeah, stop

My thoughts on evoloution vs creationism

2007-01-16T22:33:00.000+02:00

Over the past few weeks I have purchased various books on religion and then on Darwinism and evolution. I split the two because today Darwinism and evolution can be different in theory. I will not delve in the points in why, but I think my ambition in this is to really gain more understanding in how we came to be and why we are here.

Now creationism states that this universe was created, created by some deity while evolution rather has the theory that none of this was created, but rather existed all along. It is actually funny when you think about creationism according to the bible. How God decided to create the universe "just suddenly", even though he has been around forever. He decided to create it in seven days. He just created light, water, land, the stars, etc. The whole story of Adam and Eve is actually so illogical if you actually look at it realistically. Man was "suddenly" created and just worked in the garden of Eden.(Any sane person would die of boredom) Even in this it does not even state that he did "praise and worship" 24/7. Then because he was lonely, God needed Adam's rib to create eve. Why could she not just be created? The we have Cain and Abel. Who did they marry? Their sisters? Were their children born out of incest?

Even looking further into the scriptures we see the whole "Tower of Babel" story where it gives man a reason for why we all speak in different languages. Noah's ark? There are so many stories...or should I start to call them fables. I remember reading a book when I was about 10 on Myths and Legends. I remember hearing of all these stories that were created to give reason as to why everything is, as it is. These African fables that we here are truly interesting and riveting, but yet they are just stories.

Due to peoples lack of knowledge they could not understand the world and what is the reason that we are here for. They could and cannot understand how things can be so beautiful if God does not exist. Yet the thing is, as science progresses, so religion starts to fall by the wayside. Where there is a gap in the spectrum of science, creationists will say "look, that is proof their has to be a God, it cannot be explained!" It cannot be explained.....yet, should be the response. Just because we see the ocean only extend so many km's or miles out does not mean it comes to an end and then we will fall off the end of the earth to our doom. I do not claim that God is where the universe ends. I do not assume to know what is beyond our universe. I cannot say what will happen if we were to step beyond it. Is the universe circular in shape? Do we travel though the universe, searching for the end, only to find ourselves eventually meeting back up where we started, just as if I were to travel north, I would arrive at the same spot. I know I am rambling a bit off the topic but you can see the principle, stories are nice, yet they are not fact.

My ignorance in evolution has caught my attention. It is an unknown road for me and instead of remaining in the dark over the whole subject, I intend to gain more understanding, so that I may better understand the way we are. I have never liked the idea that we were once monkeys. Yet I have never liked some things in the world so to say "I don't like the theory", in no way sufficiently justifies why it must be wrong. This is a big reason ,and another being, "God created the world!"

I remember watching two girls having an argument. The one must have been 10 and the other 13. The older one argued that God did not exist and neither did Jesus. The younger defended her God . The older one said to her "Why!" The younger one exclaimed "because the bible says so."

I frustrating argument ,because you cannot give a rebuttal to that answer. It is not that it holds such a demand for power because it was spoken in faith, but rather it is a cop out. A legitimate question should be answered with a legitimate answer. Yes, this was the view held by a 10 year old girl, yet people still give the same sort of answer today. "I have faith" or "You just have to believe." No matter how much scientific evidence may be brought forward, it will never be enough.

I do not feel that evolution contradicts the bible in anyway. I think in some sense it can compliment it. The big band being creation, etc etc. I think we need to open up our minds more to what each side has to say, with the use of fact and evidence, not outrageous theories and thoughts. Do not quote the bible if the person does not believe in it. Do not quote God if someone does not believe in his existence!

I have not really taken a stance on one view and I am still in the process. I think my thoughts on God have pretty much erased the creationism issue. Wether or not evolution be true, it certainly has strong evidence to support it. Those who oppose it with minuscule facts and arguments clutch to traditional beliefs with every last breath.

Lets start opening up our minds more and start maybe accepting what scientists and others are trying to do. Lets stop being so close minded.

Goodnight

Another update...

2007-01-15T22:28:00.000+02:00

Hey

Well, I'm sitting here with a massive migraine and it is killing me. Therefore my blog will not be too long and I will just touch on one or two things that have happened over the past few days.

Just finished watching "Hotel Rwanda" for the second time and I really recommend this movie , it might not be your cup of tea but I think it can open up our eyes to the prejudice thoughts we have hidden in our subconscious. What I mean by this is the fact that even though I would not consider myself racist, but who ever you may be, black, white or green, we have all been guilty in some sense by maybe cracking a racist joke or having some sort of anger towards the other colour(such as when mini buses cut in front of you or when you stand in the department of home affairs). Yet when you watch a movie such as this , showing the genocide in Rwanda in 1994, you wake up to the fact that we are all human, and no matter what colour,sex,age or religion you may be, we have one common denominator, we are human. We all have emotions, we experience love, hate , we all laugh at times, we all cry at times. We feel! When you watch a movie like that, you start to feel for those who experienced the genocide. The movie stated in the end that almost 1 million were slaughtered. Hectic!

Other movies I would recommend along these lines would be:
1)American History X
2)Tears under the sun
3)Cry the Beloved Country
4)The Believer(Religion - Judaism)

On Sunday I strolled by the video shop to look for a DVD for the afternoon. Seeing it was so uncomfortably hot on Sunday, it would mean that most DVDs would still be in. I looked at a few options and eventually it came down to "Miami Vice" starring Jamie Fox and Collin Farrell. Now I enjoy Collin Farrells' movies so I thought it would be a good choice...... Oops!

I don't know, maybe other people enjoyed it, hence the reason they had bought so many of the DVD, but I was really disappointed. The movie starts as though it was right in the middle. I actually skipped back because I thought it jumped too far ahead. The beginning was so rushed and they through so many names around and so many scenarios, I lost interest. Then about a 1/3 of the way through, it slowed down, and became a romance(?). Then the end it picked up and there was the first bit of action in the whole movie. I actually do not intend on going in depth on this, but just to say I thought it was badly directed and I really thought it had the potential. Maybe I just missed something?

Anyway, other than that it has just been chilled the past few days. I am intending on going to splashy in April. I have put it off 3 years in a row, buying tickets, then at the last minute selling them because I lost interest. I have made up my mind that this I will go, I have the money, the time and the will to go!

Also been trying to find info on the next Coca Cola Colab. I really enjoyed it last year and I am amped to go this year . It is amazing the rumours that pop up . I have heard various rumours of bands that will be playing this year. Among them I have heard Red Hot chili Peppers(the dj's at Burn Nightclub mentioned this) , System of a down(unlikely), Greenday and even Tool(If ever!). If anyone has heard anything more let me know.

Anyway, will post something more substantial soon, I have a lot of thoughts swimming in my head that need to be put down on this site, will come soon.

Have an awesome day!

It's Just another manic thursday!

2007-01-11T22:33:00.000+02:00

Yeah, OK , I'm frustrated!

It is now 22:33 on my clock and I cannot sleep! So decided to get up, give a bit of a ramble and complain to myself on how messed up this sleeping pattern of mine is.

The past week I have come home exhausted, one of the main reasons being I have been recovering from flu and my system took a bit of a knock. At about 7pm my eyes are burning and I cannot think about anything more than just sleep. So I tend to retire to my room, chat a bit over MSN and blog a bit. Do some research on Internet and then read a bit of my book, "The God Delusion" (which by the way is becoming very tedious for me) and then go to sleep. The problem being that I end up going to bed at about 11pm every night.

Then I will wake up at 6am, immediately regretting going to bed so late. I enjoy a strict sleep routine and I always like to make sure that I have more than 8 hours the recommended sleep. It is amazing how slow we tend to learn sometimes. I will sit the whole day at work, pushing through the tiredness, especially around 12-1 o'clock where it really hits me, cursing yourself for not going to bed earlier, and then ,end of the night, your sleeping at 11 again. Its a sick cycle.

So today, being Thursday, always the worst day for me with regards to lethargy(probably something to do with it being towards the end of the week), I decided to be in bed at 830pm , and read my book, eventually switching my light off at 9pm.

The problem I have is I dose off, and then something happens where I start thinking about the fact that I am sleeping, and I literally feel myself "rise up" out of that subconscious state. Call me crazy if you will, it is the worst feeling, because after that I cannot go back to sleep for a while. The pillow is uncomfortable, the sheets are annoying you, its too hot with the blanket on, too cold without it. You start thinking about all those things in life that make it what it is. You start thinking about the origins of the universe, stars, people, I mean , COME ON! Who wants to think about such things! Well it happens.

So now, I am going to go back and try again. I have put on Enya and Jack Johnson, some soothing tunes to rest my tired soul. Now maybe I will dose off into the land of dreams and where I can do what I want.... until the alarm goes for 6am

Goodnight!

Music for your soul Part 2

2007-01-10T21:08:00.000+02:00

Let me go into depth about some thoughts of mine that I had in my previous post and expand on some issues. After watching a video of the Colombine School shooting I stumbled across this video taken from the film by Michael Moore called "Bowling for Columbine".

I apologise that I use so many videos in my blogs, I will start cutting down or use links instead of keeping it on the page. The story was in 1999 so I know it is a bit out of date, I was 15 then, do you think I had a lot of thoughts on the subject, come on.

I will move on later and discuss the whole tragedy of Colombine but for now I want to add one or two more thoughts on my previous blog on music.

I just love how society today love to assume what is evil and what is not. What is satanic and what is not. What is considered an abomination,disgrace, sick, twisted, you get the point. One person was blamed as an indirect cause to the shooting. Marilyn Manson.

Now I may not be a Marilyn Manson fan, not because I disagree with his music, but purely taste. I remember being 14 years old and buying the Marilyn Manson CD entitled "Smells like children" including their infamous cover song, "Sweet Dreams". I remember it so well. I was with my friend and his mom and you know at that age you do not necesserily have the freedom to go out and get what you want. Well I said to my friends mom that I just needed to go by a cd. So went by myself to Musica and bought the CD. No questions asked. (It is amazing how you have the "Parental Advisory" Label on the cd's but they never stop selling it to you). I walked outside only to be met by my friends mom. She asked happily if she could see it. Slipping down the plastic cover she was greeted by Marilyn Manson and the rest of the band, wearing more makeup than the entire Revlon Factory and dressed in womans clothes. She exclaimed, in a tone of shock and bewilderment, saying "Oh..... thats nice." I stil chuckle when I think about it.

Ok, he is quite shocking and I think it is the reason for his image. People like to be shocked. But even more so people like to find someone or something to blame for the evil in the world. Its never our fault, its always someone else, someone who seems more influential. Yet end of the day, there is a reason that people will listen to that music. Not because they have fits of rage and violence in the them. Not because they take drugs and consume large amounts of alcohol. No, end of the day, it is because thats what they can relate with, and/or that is the style of music they enjoy.

The old cliche always works well, yet people never stick by it. "Never judge a book by its cover". People never take their own advice. People see someone dressed in black and they immediatly assume that they belong to a satanic cult. People avoid others who are different. It is no wonder instances like the Colombine shooting happened. People who are different are driven to a place they dont want to be. If they want to be that then all you can do is blame those who influence them the most. Parents, Society, your peers. These are people you mix with everyday. Parents are the ones responsible for the most important part of your developement. From when you were an infant until you started to take on your own identity, your household moulded you.

They say the reason that these two teenagers went on the killing spree was in some sense caused by bullying. They were constantly bullied at school. Now this cannot be your excuse but the problem is some people are just unstable. Unfortunaltly people just started ticking off the wrong person. I dont believe the parents were really responsible in this case and I think a lot of it was moulded through their peers. They say they played the game "Doom" all the time but so did the rest of the teenagers. Why were they never given the opportunity to "fit in". Why were they always reminded of how different they were.

I do not think a psychopath is born. I do not even know if these kids were psychopaths. I do know one thing. I think everything had a domino affect. They got tired. They got tired of being pushed around, they got tired of being depressed and angry. They got tired of everyone thinking they were better than them. They got tired of never being right and always being wrong. They got tired of never seeing the world get better for them. I think end of the day, when there is nothing to live for, you are pushed over the edge and eventually give up. Your consciounce gives out and you no longer care about anything.

I think for them it just became another ordinary day and they wanted to leave their mark and make something of themselves, and unfortunatly they felt that this was the only way they could do it. They felt that the world left them nothing else to do.

By the way, listen to the song halfway through, for some of you who have watched "Requiem for a dream" you will know what song it is.

Music for your soul

2007-01-07T19:47:00.000+02:00

Hey

I been thinking about writing on this topic for a while because it has been something I have been very interested about. Why do we like what we like? I mean, why do I like certain artists and someone else will like different ones and absoloutly hate my likes. In one sense we can all boil some of it down to your peers, such as why a lot of men do not like listening to Westlife. There is a lot more to it though and I have trying to do some research on the whole subject but as much information as the internet holds, it is still very limited.

Now when I google the whole subject I tend to find what I am looking for under the study of musicology and deeper among "music cognitive". Within this subject you are able to study why people listen to what they do, and why they may like certain genres.

I find it incredibly frustrating always having to justify why I listen to what I do. I do admit at times I share my distate for certain genres in a very shallow matter but it is all intended in good fun. The frustration stems from those who choose to lable in seriousness, the music I listen to. "devils music" or "screaming ragh ragh ragh music" are some labels to show peoples distaste for my music or the genre of music I listen to.

Let me put forward now that the root of my frustration or rather my distaste tend to stem from the whole commercial setup. Now I do not consider it bad when a band decides to cash in on their talent and at the end of the day, we all have to live. I think where the problem lies is when the commercial scene starts to define who they are. The commercial start dictating the styles or what they should sing about. Every great band starts singing from their heart and has no fear or care about wether others may like it. It is by this that many bands rise to the top. Yet when you get this music that they repeat over and over on the radio and you have every person walking on the street humming to the tunes and every "teenage stella" in the disco's and clubs screaming to the song, that song becomes to me like nails to a chalk board.

Now some of the music may be good but why does EVERYONE have to like the same fucking song? Then many of the girls will go "he is so cute!" The last time I checked I didnt think that music artists had to be models aswell. Yes a winning factor but why does this have to determine what girls listen to. Then I get tired of hearing the same song, just sung differently. I am tired of hearing this "perfect love" and "perfect world" song. How these men from boy bands sing about their true love's and how perfect everything is. Maybe it is just me but I have never been a fan of fantasy, its a dangerous place in your head to play in. Fantasy is not real. It sounds like every Miss World, or Miss South Africa, they are all the same "fight poverty" , "stop war" ,etc. Very real issues, unrealistic dreams. These boy bands continually singing about this picture perfect relationship ,giving people a false sense of hope(those stupid enough to listen to it) and creating a world based on lies.

Why can people not just be individuals. Why does it have to seem like we all just come off one mass production line. Everyone seems to be the same. How often do you hear someone tell you of a band that they enjoy that you have NOT heard on the radio? How often do you actually hear a song they like that has not been on MTV or the radio. I know in some sense it tends to be that some people just recognise music in an entirely different sense to the way othe people do. Just like some people appreciate art while others dont. Some like fictional books, some like non fiction. For some of us music is a way of life. When something happens to us, music is there, playing in our heads. It is a friend for us when we are alone, sometimes there to comfort, because blaring out your speakers, is someone who makes sense to you and is able to express your feelings because they understand you, or rather they understand themselves. Music gives them the ability to make some sense to this life spent on earth.

When I was between 13-16 years old I used to listen to a lot of rave and all other sorts. Anything that played on the radio. Then one day I heard Blink 182 play "Whats my age again" on the radio. I enjoyed the song due mainly to the tune. I went on internet and downloaded "Dammit" which was a huge hit in america. I was hooked! This song expressed everything how I felt. I had been dealing with a lot of rejection at the time and everything he said made sense. "A day late ,a buck short, Im writing the report , on losing and failing, when I move, Im flailing now." It just all made sense to me. He understood how I felt. Yet he wasn't sympethising with me, he was singing his own emotions, and I understood how he felt. I then found the whole genre of punk where I started listening to Pennywise where they brought out my anger towards society and the way life was. Bad Religion for my understanding and thoughts on Religion and Politics. I then started progressing onto the more screamo side of things starting with Finch. I still listen to them all the time.

People always mock the "screamo" type of genre because they do not understand it. When someone is hurt or under frustration you will see them go to a quite place where no one hears them and they will just scream. There is a release of emotion. This is why some of these band scream, because sometimes just saying what you mean isnt enough. Look at a band who sometimes scream and you can see the passion and feel the passion in their voice. You can feel the hurt, you can FEEL what they are saying, not just hear .what they are saying. Obviously to scream over long periods of time becomes tedious and loses its impact but when a band pulls off one part where they just release all their energy in the song and scream it out, you feel it.

Jonathin Davis of Korn for example was abused as a child by his step mother and was violently bullied at school and in turn this was able to inspire his music. Most people look at it as another sick and twisted band who have nothing better to do than scream their heads off. Yet those who are actually bright enough, will choose to look at the "why" and what he sings about. Then you will have an army full of kids following him because their hurts are manifested through his songs. These songs become their life soundtrack.

I guess I just get tired of all the feel good bands. Blink 182 became too feel good for me and I have started looking for something deeper in music. I am tired of everyone trying to make the world so wonderful when it really isn't. Dont get me wrong, life is cool, but there are so many issues in the world and the last thing people need are fantasies and false dreams. They need to start understanding . I am tired of people being naive, thinking the world is bunnies and butterflies. Love exists, but there is a lot that surrounds it, and to believe that everything is so perfect, is to believe in a false sense of hope. We might as well conjure up imaginary friends to feel "comfortable" with the world.

Its time to start getting real and stop always being something else. Start being yourself.

I apologise to the fact I have not used much psychological fact here, it is a lot of opinion. It is hard to find information the "why" in all of this but I think I have made some conclusive points. Always open for arguments though.

This blog I dont think needs a title, Im left speechless

2007-01-04T20:09:00.000+02:00

Before you view this video clip I just want you to take into account here and understand that as much as I have been discussing Religion and have been reading and searching religion, I think you need to understand that this clip is one extreme, and a massive one at that.

I do not believe I have met anyone within in the christian church who represents this sort of charachter. I think to be fair to christians , I would have to say that this woman is surely warped in her belief in "God's" charachter. This does not show the God that many christians understand God to be.

We have two extremes. We have those christians who on the one side of the pendulem claim that the gospel sets one free from all sins and therefore we are allowed to do whatever we want and can continue in a sinful life and still have our ticket to heaven. Then you have the other side... such as this woman, whom, even though they may understand the scriptures, defeat any form of grace which Jesus or God may have. Just as the talkshow host questioned her, "what sins do you have?" A very valid point. She stands condemning all those around her . She goes and pickets at funerals of soldiers killed in combat. As much as one may not believe in war surely one would hold a sense of compassion for those who are suffering or grieving over a lost one in the time of war. If her son had to choose to go to war and come back in a coffin, would she still stand by her convictions? Would she picket at her own sons funeral, or not even attend?

We have these fundamentalist christians who have their head so far within the clouds that they can no longer be of any use to this world, and tend to cause more grievence than anything else. It is like all major Religions, all branching off from the God of the Old testament. You have those who live for God and let their religion be their own, living at peace with the rest of the world and at times being beneficial to others. Then there are those who go so far, such as suicide bombers etc. I would go as far as putting this lady up there with suicide bombers just by all the pain she may cause to others.

The problem with religion is that unfortunatly , everyone is right. Their God is the right one. Only by Jesus are you saved. Only by Muhammed you are saved. Which country is God on. Or is God dealing his blessing and curses equally on both sides. Is he blessing the one or two people who are actually following home no matter side they are on. Who's view is right? Within the christian religion constant arguments always arise on which doctrine is the right one. Pre-destination or free will. The Trinity. Hevean and Hell. The balance between grace and law. The whole issue on "What would Jesus do?" Everyone seems to always have a different response, yet from the same book.

Anyway, just give the video a watch.

Now when your finished with the clip and your still trying to wrap your head around this womans think go to this link over hear and see her responses to a Baptist Pastor interviewing her while they were protesting outside what I think is a Billy Graham convention from what I can gather. Her heart is filled with a hate and anger I do not use this in the religious sense, such a person has no love or respect for their neighbors in this world. Such a person could have taken over Hitlers's position with such hate comments.

Richard Dawkings - The God Delusion

2007-01-03T10:51:00.000+02:00

Hey

I just was browsing through some video clips on the net and came across an interesting debate over his new book and would recommend you take a look if your interested. Some points raised were very interesting , I found the person on the opposing side of Richard Dawkings was not the best speaker and arguments were not really good. Anyway. Take a look.

Underoath

2007-01-03T09:46:00.000+02:00

Hey

Just sick in bed and listening to some music to soothe my fucked up state! Wanted to post a video by a band called underoath, even if your not into the whole hard rock scene watch the video, it is actually really good. It blew my mind and makes you think. I have been enjoying this band and actually found out to my surprise the other day that they are a christian band, interesting, anyway, give it a listen.

Later

Its time.... time to update my blog.

2007-01-02T23:37:00.000+02:00

Yeah yeah yeah.

I know. I do apologise that it has been forever since I last updated my blog(again). Once again life has been really busy, or dead and therefore I have not had the time, nay, the effort to write up another post so I will highlight in point form what has been happening in my life this past month

1)Carla and I are still together

Yes it has been great, and I wont say anything more than that but I would just like to say that I have times and I know that she does where it feels like you have hit some sort of roof and everything seems to be monotounous but we have chatted about reasons why we may get frustrated and sometimes fight with each other. It is amazing how it is so simple yet it is the last thing that people will actually come to in a civilised manner. Communication and getting things out in the open is the way to sort out things, and it helps you understand each other more, even though you may not always like what they may say.

2)Work

Work is going alright. It has been a bit boring lately and I am trying to push myself to get more exposure in the company. Sometimes it just drains too much energy especially if it feels like its getting you nowhere . Im a person that always tries to find the quickest way up and get my face seeing, sometimes at no matter what cost, even if it sometimes means doing another persons job better than the way the do it. No one said this world was kind and no one gets anything for free(unless life delt you a lucky hand). I still live by the motto "do more than whats expected of you!"

3)Christmas and New years

...or the lack thereof. My christmas was starting off well when I proceeded with Carla and her family to the Butchers Block in Hillcrest. I have always enjoyed their meals and even though you tend to fork out quite a bit of money, I feel it well worthit if you are satisfied even long after you have paid the bill. Too many restuarants lack the capability or interest to do just that. Anyway we went back to Carla's where we started opening presents. I was really happy when I recieved a collection of photo's framed of her and I ,and the new book by Richard Dawkins titled "The God Delusion" . I wont discuss the book now as I am only one third of the way through it and maybe it is just my lack of intellect but I cannot read more than a few pages at time otherwise I start battling to get it all in. I will mention it in my last point. We then went out for lunch with my family which was a bit of a disaster. Beside a few family rumblings my dad had caught flu. So the lunch was cut a bit short. We then went out for dinner at Carla's aunts house which was quite enjoyable. I woke up the next day starting to get the flu. We went to Carla's cousins in Pietermaritzburg and I was really starting to not feel well. We had a nice lunch and I tried to keep the pain in but it was really starting to get bad by the afternoon. I went to work on wednesday, thursday and the friday, half way through the day, I decided to give in and go home early. I went to the doctor and I was diagnosed with Broncholittis and some other funny name. Anyway, I stayed home and hoped to be fine for new years. We I stayed in bed new years eve and new years day. I was angry as it felt like it was getting worse and I was missing out on 2 parties I was supposed to attend. Well lets just say I woke up today and went back to the doctor and the condition had worsened. She said if it was not for the antibiotics I was given I would have had pneumonia, so I dont know. A shit weekend!

4)New Music

I have recently added more new music and artists to my playlist. I am still getting into them but I have been enjoying them on the first listen.
On the softer side I have been listening to Jack Johnson, this is when I read and go to sleep music. It is soothing for the mind and makes you feel at peace. On the ordinary, a few bands I have been listening to if you like Funeral for a friend,finch and bands similar are:
1)Alexisonfire
2)A stattic Lullaby
3)Static x
4)Destroy the runner

I found a really good site if you like Finch. It contains all their videos and about 3 full length concerts downloadable. Go to www.screamingmore.com or if you want just ordinary punk/emo/screamo videos go to www.punkrockvids.com. They have a wide selection which they update quite often.

5)As for God

I have not really been thinking about him much in the personel sense, maybe just more in a research sort of way. I have been to church for the first time in a long time , my old church and it was really nerve wrecking, I mean I used to preach to those people. Carla came along, and we went and sat in the back and no matter who asked me to come with them to get some "before church coffee" I would reply politely "no thanks". I did not want to get into the "what have you been up to all this time" or "how is your relationship with Jesus" questions. Carla funnily enough enjoyed it.

We then went to a social to see an old friend of mine of whome I still converse with often. I thought it was a get together and so I brought Carla. I even asked a friend of mine before going that there would be no preaching or anything and he said he doesnt think so. So we went, the next minute he said "lets start off by singing a worship song", my heart dropped into my pants, or I shat myself. I couldnt bare to look at Carla as Clinton leaned over to me and said "Im sorry, I think he is going to do a small bible study". It wasnt that I wasnt like I wasn't unwilling, but Carla is not a religious person and doesnt claim to be a christian. Anyway, we chatted, I then threw in my few words of argument and I became a bit frustrated. In discussed my feelings and doubts and we chatted and left it alone. We then left, I then recieved that look from Carla when you know your in trouble. It went something like this:

Carla:"Why didnt you tell me?"
Mark:"I didnt know, promise!"
Carla:"Whatever, you knew about it!"
Mark: "I would have told you, I asked Clinton and he said it wasnt a bible study, only when he pulled out his bible Clint said to me it might be a short one."
Carla:"Short one? That was 3 hours long, that was not short."
Mark:"Im sorry, besides that, what did you think.... honestly, what were your thoughts."
Carla:"Honestly, I counted how many bricks were in the wall, I dont find it interesting."

It is in no offence to anyone there, I enjoyed the bible study in a sense that I could ask questions to an open group and I realised that we may get so hyped up about the topic of religion that christians will say "the spirit is moving and is working" yet we fail to realise that maybe it is just ourselves working each other up. I thought about it after the conversation with Carla and how her response differed from ours. She holds no interest to it and therefore does not "feel" what others may feel.

I ask the question to her even after the small talk on how she felt about what we all spoke about so that I can get her to think about things in life and things that we are faced with. That she can build her own valuable arguments instead if being ignorant of certain issues.

The book by Richard Dawkings is a must read I believe by Religous and non-Religious people alike. It will challenge what you think and believe and will even teach you to not just believe whatever people, or ministers, will tell you. It will teach you to question. For example, every christian always grabs the smallest bit of rumour and tries to make is a reason to believe in God. I always here christians speak of how Darwin repented of his theory on his death bed,well, apparently untrue. Many scientists through the ages are proved to be athiest, even Einstein.

As I say I am 1/3 of the way through and it is a book I like to stop every few passages an think about what is being said.I have not become utterly convinced yet I have not disagreed on anything and he seems to have his facts out straight, which is needed. He is claimed to be the third most intelligent person in the world by Prospect Magazine. The manner in which he speaks can make you feel embarressed if you were to be christian and ever try to have a argument with him. He attack religion and God with full force, just as a christian would fight against homosexual marriages.

Anyway, thats enough for an update, I will expand soon.

Later

Have a merry christmas and a happy new year!

2006-12-11T20:39:00.000+02:00

Hehe

Someone gave me this picture and we all had a few chuckles. This really puts you in the mood. Anway, went to church last night (sunday 10th Dec) and will talk about it in another blog. Really felt weird to go back but I missed my old friends. Was good seeing them again. Anyway, will chat soon.

Oh the debauchery!

2006-12-07T16:39:00.000+02:00

Hey, thought I would quickly stop by and drop a quick entry on my past two nights. Things are running a bit wild with work and everything so I apologise if I dont update regualary(As if I ever do).

Well last night was the christmas function for Alpine Motors at the Durban Exhibition center. Now we finish work at 1700 and the function was 1830 for 1900. So this meant I had to rush home, get changed and ready , pick up Carla and rush down to get there . We arrived there at about 1845 so we were in the clear. The first thing that needed to be done when walking in was to proceed to the bar. Now thank you Alpine for supplynig the drinks for free. Just as the animals gather around the waterhole during a drought so the Alpine staff gather around the bar.

I started off religiously with my Double Vodka and coke while it progressed to a triple after tipping the barman R100(this would not have been done in my sober state), needless to say I woke up this morning regretting the action.

We had eats such as mini sausage rolls, cold meats, cocktail rolls and other various kinds of finger foods. Altogether I think that everyone was a bit dissappointed at the fact that there was no substancial meal, seeing as we would have had no time to eat anything before we got there, and adding large quantities of alcohol does not help. Well, I guess you cannot always have the best of both worlds.

They then went on to have their guest, Michael Naiker , to perform. For those of you who are oblivious to this name , he has become popular as a comedian for speaking like and indian and impersinating the indian culture, such as their attempt at the english language. Yet after a while people were getting edgy and drunk so the concentration spans were amounting to one of a gold fish.

We eventually left at about 10:30 due to the fact that I had a migraine which was beginning to climax and I thought my head was going to blow.

I woke up this morning wide awake but throughout the day the hangover and tiredness began to settle upon, therefore, having the reliastion that Carla's christmas party was going to be tonight, made me realise that Friday was going to be an extremely bad day. We were going to the Barnyard Theatre and were to meet there at 7 , so I have to rush home, get changed again and be at Carla's at 1815. This is almost impossible, yet the problem is that we are going down with Penny and Doug(Carla works with Penny) and that might be bad because they may want to go out after the show. I have been dozing off in front of the computer the whole day so this would not be a good idea.

Anyway, all the "sleep" and "tired" is starting to maybe show that I am just getting old ;)

Will update soon.

God can you hear me?

2006-12-05T19:04:00.000+02:00

Hey

Today has been an ordinary day like none other. As you will tell through my blogs I am constantly speaking about religion and my relationship or thoughts on God, Jesus, Theism ,etc.

I was chatting to a friend of mine the other night and we were discussing the steps in becoming an athiest. Now one of the factors he mentioned was the reason why I maybe battled so much with turning away from God is maybe due to the fact that I am always trying to debunk christianity of rather the christian God. I automatically in my writings assume that when I speak of God I am talking about the christian God, the God of the bible, Jehova, Elohim, what ever you name you would like to call him by.

The past few days I have been doing a lot of reading about christianity especially revival sermons and essays written strengthening God's power, existance and glory. I have in some respect come to understand a lot more of the flaws in my arguments against God.

This is some of the points that I have noticed have being misenterpreted by many athiests in their thinking when trying to use God's charachter or workings on the reasons as to why he CANNOT exists.

I read a sermon which was done by a man named Jonothan Edwards who lived in the 18th centuary. He preached a powerful sermon call "Sinners in the hands of an angry God" . Now they say what happened (by historical account) that when he preached his sermons. He spoke in a very monotone voice, never raised his arms and would read his sermons to the listeners. Now when he preached this sermon people collapsed to the floor weeping and clinging onto pillars and objects around them because they felt the floor falling away beneath them and feel themselves being sucked into hell. This cause possibly the biggest revival known as the "Great Awakening."

Now we spoke about revivals such as these. People such as Charles Finney , John Wesley, Asa Mahan, etc would preach these sermons and people would collapse to the floor under "mighty conviction of the Holy Spirit." Now please understand that no psychological demeanour's were used that are so commonly used today such as music, lighting, shouting, waving of hands etc. As a matter of fact, these preachers would have been considered boring today. Yet funny enough people were caught up in this . I battle to grasp how men are influenced so powerfully by someone who would speak so plainly. We often use the actions of preachers and churches today but I battle to understand how all of this happened then.

Now it seems to me through my studies and readings that the church over the past 100 years has taken a very different "doctrinal approach" towards the gospels. I often hear how people say the God of the Old Testament is not the God of the new. They say there are two different accounts. Have you not stopped to think that maybe you are used to hearing a "watered down" gospel that you have become weakened in your understanding of the scriptures.

I have a vast collection of writings from many preachers, majority going before the past 100 years. In my collection I contain the following books:

The blessing of Pentecost - Andrew Murray
With Christ in the school of prayer - Andrew Murray
The practice of the presence of God - Brother Lawrence
The exciting New Life - Andrew Murray
The imitation of Christ - Thomas A. Kempis
Obtain the power of God - Andrew Murray
Being God's Friend - Charles Spurgeon
Holy Spirit Revivals - Charles Finney
The confessions of Faith - St Augistine
The Biography of Jonothan Edwards
Absoloute Surrender - Andrew Murray
Victory over the world - Charles Finney
Handbook of Christian Apologetics - Peter Kreeft and Ronald Tacelli
Visions of Heaven and Hell - John Bunyan
Heroes of Faith - Gene Fedele
John Wesley and his world - John Pudney.

I also contain the bible in Greek and Hebrew. I contain all whole collection of sermons from John Wesley, majority of Charles Finney's sermons, Jonothan Edwards, Andrew Murray, Charles Spurgeon, John Bunyan, George Whitfield.

I have also done in depth research on the bible, different doctrines, historical evidence and have at the same time read many secular books and essays debating christianity,

Please understand I am not trying to show you how much I know or how I think I know everything, but I give this information so that you may see that I do not pull everything that I know from just inside of my head, nor do I intend to count on what others may say for, or against God.

I am starting to think that maybe the reason why God is under so much scrutiny is due to the fact that everyone is looking in the wrong places or seeing the wrong thing(christianity today). I pose this question to you? What would make you believe in God, or rather what would God need to in order to make you believe in him? Now you may give a series of actions that would need to be done by God, most done that goes against your logic or reasoning. Yet would you believe then? I think not. Now you may say that you will belive in God just not any religion though. What if it came down to an Elijah story? The battle between God's. Where every religion would pray to their God for something to happen and nothing happens yet when the righteous man who follows God with his whole heart says a few words and fire rains down from heaven.Now I know you skeptics out there will say "that could be bombs, or asteroids, etc, it doesnt mean that is coming from God." OK, but what if it was something impossible would you believe in the Chrsitian-Judeo God? I think not. Here are my reasons:

Your arrogance would not allow it.
You would pass it off as a hoax after time.
Attribute it to something of the mind

And if you did believe you would not follow God or Christ. Think honestly. How does something like that actually change you, make you love God and make you want to follow him. It doesnt, I know I wouldnt. At the end of the day you would still be fighting God because you just dont wont to follow. You enjoy your life to much to give it up. Which is what the gospel preaches.

Lets look at some points.:

God is selfish, he wants glory to himself - And so? You telling me when you win something or do well in something you dont get a bit high a mighty? Shit, if God does exist, who are you really to argue with someone who created everything and can do anything he wants to you. What would your parents have done to you if you gave them that attitude when you were 10 years old... Ill let you think about that
Prayer doesn't work because God doesnt listen - Ok, everyone, lets throw a party, a pity party for ourselves. "Woe is me." Is that all you can come up with? "I wont follow God because he doesnt answer prayers." Well let me ask you this in the nicest way possible. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU EVER DONE? Then everyone quotes "if you ask in my name...." as if to say they followed Christ with all their hearts. They fail to understand if it is in God's will. To use a stupid example, if you were 10 and asked your parents to drive the car, they would not let you because it is not in your best in interest and would probably go bad. Ah, but wait, what about the girl who cries to God while being raped? Was she christian before, will she be after, or would she pass it off just like most of you to it being "coincidence" that she was able to flee from her rapist. I am not saying it is not hard to understand at times, sometime it is really difficult and can make you angry, but look at it like this. What have you done for God, did you follow him the way the bible feels(not the way you feel).
The church is hypocritical - Of course it is. It consists of man, and just like anything in life, it deteriotates with time. Do you really think God is limited by its walls. Do you really think God dwells in the churches. The christian whome obeys and loves God is the one who is the church. This is why so many revival preachers preached outside of the church walls. Look what Jesus had in his day. He overturned the tables in the market. He called the leaders "a brood of vipers," Today the church is made up of pharisees such as these. There are sheep among wolves clothing.
The Bible is corrupt - Oh ok, really? Now you will tell me everything about what is inside the bible and quote lines horrendously taken out of place to prove the bible false and/or that God does not exist. It is funny how they are so quick to quote the problems IN the bible yet they do not understand the bible. Let me tell you about John. He has black hair, brown eyes, he is short, fairly chubby, he speaks German and is missing his left arm. Now please tell me his life story, everything about him. He doesnt play cricket because he lost his left arm,. You made an assumption, yet he does play cricket with his one arm. You think you know God based on certain scriptures you picked out, yet you do not even know him or the bible. You know what is amazing. I have read many books by secular theologians who are athiest, but never hold to any view so frequently brought up about Gods charachter. They are laughed at by there lack of understanding.

I am just giving a few examples of issues always raised by non christians and even thought I am not all "non-christian" yet I always get annoyed with these excuses because they are coming from some people who actually lack a lot of knowledge and even experience. When you read some of these books I mentioned earlier it makes you think about the difference between christianity now and then. How much it has changed. It is no wonder the world is turning to athiesm, because no one has been able to see the power of conviction or God.

"I believe I never was more acceptable to my Master than when I was standing to teach those hearers in the open fields." ... "I now preach to ten times more people than I should, if had been confined to the Churches."
-George Whitefield

Charles Haddon Spurgeon: "It would be very easy to prove that revivals of religion have usually been accompanied, if not caused, by a considerable amount of preaching out of doors, or in unusual places."

I dont know what I am trying to say in this. I am getting tired of sitting on the fence. I have been seeing both side of that fence. I have been watching the athiests and the world running around after the things of this world. I see them drink, work to live, try and earn as much as they can. To work for status. I see majority of the world on this side. While it has been inviting I notice those which mock those on the other side of the fence. Showing them what they are missing out on. I see a place that is dark, tortured and empty. I see men and woman dying off. They were chasing after dreams and money and wealth, then in a second their last breath was taken without them knowing. Maybe the reason your life flashes before your eyes is that you are suddenly able to see what God sees, and how short life really is. That at any moment you are cut from this earth.

I gaze at the other side of the fence. It is a lonely side. There is hardly anyone there. Yet there is a feeling of contempt. Peace. They are scourned at, rocks and other objects are thrown at them. Yet they sit in the same state. Not worried. They continue their normal life , speaking to others at the fence, trying to show them a life far better. Trying to show them that there cannot be a way that all of this happens for nothing. How is man kept together. How are there are "laws". How is everything kept together? What keeps your heart beating? What made it start beating ? How were living creatures such as us able to reproduce through evoloution. How were we created with reproductive organs? What determined colour, eyes, touch, hearing, taste? Natural emotions such as love, hurt, pain, joy, happiness. How do we know when to laugh and when to cry. When pain is inflicted upon us how do we know to automatically cry? When you are rejected when you are a child by school friends, did you not feel a lump in your throat and maybe shed a tear? Why are we sad when we lose someone. Why are we happy when you get married. How is it that no matter how messed up the world can be, everything is almost perfect. That the earth keeps spinning on its axis, rotating around the sun. How do things like stars and nature seem so beautifull by coincidence.

I dont know, I am starting to see too much that can just be passed off for coincidence. I do not know a lot about how our earth was formed or how we were, but there are so many things that have not turned to chaos. It just seems like everything has to be hanging off something.

It is like gambling. You only win for so long before you start losing. How is it that we as mankind have been around for so long, or this universe, and has not "collapsed" nor shown the sign thereof.

I dont know?

To judge or be judged?

2006-12-04T21:53:00.000+02:00

I was sent this email a few days ago from some people I work with. It contains two pictures of a man who was mutilated in prison. The reason? He was convicted of raping a 4 month old baby. These pictures are from Brazil. I am not going to include them on the main page as they are really disturbing and therefore would not recommend this to sensitive eyes and weak stomachs.

You can click here to veiw the pictures.

It is just amazing though. We in south africa face horrendous crimes such as murder, rape and expecially that of children and babies. I think I heard the stat is that something like 6 out of 10 girls are molested by the time they reach 18. IN many cases this is by their family members or family friends. In South Africa, paedophilia has become a big problem. Men fly in from overseas and pick up street kids to have sexual relations, and many times these kids end up in huge trafficking rings in which the South African goverment does not have strong enough laws to control and eradicate this.

Yet I think about something else. When this baby rapist ended up in jail her was mutilated and torn apart by other such convicts. Now these convicts include rapists and murderers Im sure. I can say he had it coming to him but you is it not ironic how it came from people just like him.

Anyway, this picture just made me think about human nature and what a messed up ,twisted world we live in. No matter how much we believe everything is bunnies and butterflies, we are blinded, or rather turn a blind spot to what is happening in the real world. We would rather mind our own business than get involved.

Have a good day.

"Ill blame it on the weatherman..."

2006-12-04T09:11:00.000+02:00

Morning everyone.

I’m sitting at work with not much to do. Its pretty quiet and I have no idea why. Anyway I just wanted to post a quick blog on the weekend, or the lack thereof.

I had to work on Saturday(its fine because we get the over time) so I only got home at about 2. Then Carla and I went to Sabaya with two of her moms friends. Now the weather has been absoloutly horrendous. I cannot understand why we are having such nice weather during the week and then it decides to piss down with rain. So getting down to Sabaya was a mission. Anyway we walked in there and I made up my mind that I am going to use R300. I started on the Roulette table earning a bit of money while everyone else went to the bar. I then decided to play Blackjack. Now my luck has obviously run out or Karma has caught up with me because within in a matter of minutes I made my way to the lounge, to sit by myself and ponder over the reasons as to why I had no more money left. It was now 1730 and we were not going to be leaving anytime soon. What was I going to do for the rest of the evening.

Note: On Friday I proceeded to the auto bank to draw money and the machine swallowed my card stating that it was no longer in use. My Debit card expired the day before. Now I went into the bank to try and get a temporary card and they said they would link it to my debit card. I walked out happy as I could now still draw cash. That night after the banks closed I went to draw money for supper and it rejected my pin. I do not know I had to have another pin for the credit card!

Anyway, I walked around with Carla watching people play. Now the Carla’s mom’s friends were big gamblers. So would spend thousands and make thousands. They would get free drinks and be invited to competitions. Anyway, the people gave her a R1000 voucher to the restaurant “Aqua”.

I was really impressed with this restaurant, the ambience was absolutely amazing with the fish tank and lighting etc. The food being Gourmet food was tantalizing. We had the 3 course meal for R135 . For starters I had Calamari steaks topped with a sweet and sour sauce. For mains I had the the seafood pasta. I generous portion.

Altogether I was impressed with the food and the place but be prepared to fork out the cash If you do not go for the “combo” R135. Desserts are R40. Meals I remember were R80 and starters I think were R40. Needs to be tried I believe.

On Sunday we decided to go to movies at pavilion. I am actually shocked at the prices now day. R40 each for the 2:45 show! So for the two of us(R80) plus sweets from(R50) heaven and Large popcorn and Coke from the movie house(R25) is equal to R155 . Plus petrol. Its too much for me, I may sound cheap but Ill stick with Tuesdays.

Anyway we went and saw “Happy Feet.” I actually doubted wether I would enjoy this but It was actually really good. With the cast including Elijah Wood, Nicole Kidman, Brittany Murphy and Robin Williams it had to be decent. It was about these penguins where singing is the way of life, and it is how they find their life partner. We this one penguin is born tap dancing, but cant sing. So he is the outcast. Lets just leave it there and you can go and see it for yourself. I would rate it a 7/10. Bit sad but some funny lines.

Anyway, I think its time work now so I will update soon

Enjoy your week.

Bullet for my valentine.

2006-12-03T22:21:00.000+02:00

I have been listening to this band for about a week now. I have heard them a few times at burn but I never actually knew who they were. Well the one night I heard this song again and I was determined in getting. I was too embarresed to ask the dj because everyone already seemed to know it and I did not feel like being laughed off. Anyway, while I was downloading "Bullet for my valentine" I accidently downloaded the song and behold I had the song title "Tears don't fall" sitting on my playlist and continued to hum to the tune, slowly figuring out the lyrics.

Not everyones style, but I really enjoy the emotion in the song.

Proof.... God exists!

2006-12-03T22:15:00.000+02:00

Ever hear of the cliche christian story of "Footprints in the sand?"

Just a laugh ; )

Oh bother... the inconsistancies!

2006-12-01T19:50:00.000+02:00

I must apologise for the inconsistancies in my blogging. I remember stating when I joined this site that I would blog often yet I think my last blog was 3 weeks ago. So I thought I would drop by and post something before I go out.

Alpine is going really well, just trying to push my self and get to know everything, I have never been comfortable being in one position and consider myself an a"all rounder" guy.

Carla and I have been going well, we have had our arguments now and again and sometimes it can be pretty bad but I am confident in saying I have come to realise how much I loved her. 2 weeks agoo I hit a bit of a stage where I wasnt sure how I felt about her and what I thought was real. So I backed away a bit which ,of course , caused a fight. (Note: always let your partnet know your intentions, even if it means twisting the truth a bit) Now within two days I missed her beyond comprehension and realised how much I actually just wanted to be with her. It was that stage where you needed to see what you felt was infactuation or wether the feelings were real.

Now I mentioned this to her that weekend and apologised profusely and we made up, only to know she was going on a cruise for her work the following monday. So we spent the weekend together and both agreed that maybe "time apart makes the heart grow fonder." She set sail and the next time I heard from her was the friday. It is too difficult to put into words how much I missed her that week. That wednesday I phoned her mom to see if she had phoned or anything.It was only the friday ,when she got back, that I was able to speak to her again. Thaty being said I now know for sure how I feel and she could be someone that I could spend the rest of my life with.

I saw and old friend of mine about 2 weeks ago. His name is Tim, you might see one or two comments on my page by him. He was like my spiritual father when I was still christian. When I started church he would watch over me, he watched over me and taught me when I became a youth leader. We would hold bible studies with each other and would go out and do "Gods work." Unfortunatly he felt God call him to be with wife and mover to Richards Bay. From there I never actually found another man I actually trusted with my relationship with God. I saw flaws in every mans teachings and lifestyle. Yes I do undersatnd that all men stumble and fall but very few actually life there life entirely devoted to God, just as Tim did.

Talking to him in some sense help me put somethings into perspective me on the concept of Religion. A few questions were raised withing my head dealing with my relationship with God, or what happened to it. I say again that I have not come to the point that I do not believe in a God but I have more "rebelled" from him. In some sense I hope I have not become reprobated that if I was to ever choose God again, I would not be able to be accepted. Some questions that I had in my head were questions that were directed at my questions against God. I feel in some sense that we jump to any small "discrepency" we can find just to prove or justify that God does not exist. For example:

We say "why does God not answer prayer, that must mean he does not exist." Yet I was shown an example. Remember "Bruce almighty?" Remember when he said "yes" to all the prayers. What happened? Now I know this argument may not be sufficient but I am becoming frustrated with the reasons to justify why God does not exist. I find the reasons are not very supportive. I battle with a lot of statements made by using the bible because I find the answers are very shallow and can sound like a 13 year old rebellious teenager questioning God who jumps to any reason not to believe.

I am not saying that all these answers are untrue but I have yet to find something that really makes question God besides my emotional state. It is the worst place to know the questions and answers, and to actually be torn into two minds. I have always said to people while I have been in this state that if a soul should exist the torture of the sould far surpasses one of the body. It affects every part of you. When you cannot sleep due to the torture of your mind by such thoughts it creates a physical pain. You emotions are wired up and you feel strung out. You come to a stage where you do not care for life anymore because you no longer see the point to life but that we would float through this life without reason. I fear the state of my soul everyday even though I try not to care for a God. I fear that if such a hell should exist such as one filled with fire and torment that I would be going there. I do not agree with the statement that we are already in hell because hell could be relative. Hell for who? Your state of hell very much differs from those who suffer with poverty, disease, etc.

Well, I thought I would just stop by and drop a comment or 5. I have been listening to this band called "Bullet for my valentine - Tears don't fall" . I absoloutly am loving this song at the moment and I recommend that if you like a bit of screamo/metal with some emotion you give it a listen to.

Until next time....

Lord of the flies : Taxis in South Africa

2006-11-14T07:11:00.000+02:00

Hey guys

Sorry its been a while since I posted a blog, its just been busy and actually havent had the chance to get to a computer ,and blog.

Im just going to write a short essay on this whole Taxi situation in South Africa. Now we face them everyday and I am sure everone of us have cursed, sworn and thought about getting out our cars and teaching the drivers a lesson.

This morning I am driving down fields hill and on the top where there is traffic congestion ni the morning, every good citizen waits in the traffic jam patiently on their way to work. Then you look in you side mirror and see1....2....3 taxis move past you on the left across the yellow and attempt to get in further down the road. Now obviously most people dont let them in but seeing the condition of most taxis do you think they care if you scratch their taxis? No, so they will force themselves in between and you will fall back so that you do not scratch your car that you spent hard earned money on.

Another exampe is when you tavel to durban in the morning and by the spaghetti juncion you have huge pileups. Especially with the roadworks going on at the moment. You will be waiting in the jam, watching these taxis come driving on the yellow line missing all the traffic and meeting up with the road about 500 meters later.

Why have taxis become above the law? They are the cause for the most deaths on the roads in south africa. I see cops pass their lawless behaviour and do nothing about it. In pinetown they will go creat 4 lanes to turn into pinetown even though there are only 2. While doing that they will go around the island dividing those who are going left and those who are going straight.

Through all of this I must be patient? I think the only reason I havent climbed out my car yet is due to the fact that either the driver, or one of the passengers have a gun.

Yet in all this frustration I think there is one point that creates the greatest frustraion, you cannot live without them. Think about how many businesses rely on these taxis so that they may have employees at work. On days when there are taxi strikes, it is beautiful on the roads but think about those people that rely on the transport. Restuarants and factories are surely affected. You go to the restuarant and bitch and moan and complain as to why your meal is taking so long, little do you know there is hardly any staff in the kitchen and the manager and owner are probably washing the dishes.

Secondly majority of our population dont get paid nearly enough and therefore taxis are very beneficial. I dont think we realise how much our country relies on this form of transport and if we didnt have to have it , I am scared to see how things would run.

Anyway, just a thought

Cheers

God's ambassador - Gods embarresment

2006-11-04T14:15:00.000+02:00

Hey Guys

I just wanted to chat quickly about my thoughts on the whole issue happening with this guy Rev. Ted Haggard. Now maybe you havent been keeoing up with the new lately but Ted(as seen left) is a renowned evangelical leader, voted one of the most influential people in the country.

HIs own church is 14000 members strong and he is president of the National Association of Evangelicals, a group representing more than 45,000 churches with 30 million members. Now he is the big stuff, now on wednesday her was accused by a former homosexual prostitute, or escourt, of having been involved in same-sex relations and taking a drug known as methamphetamine. The accuser is the one who was involved with Ted, his name is Mike Jones .

Now Mike said that they had been seeing each other for 3 years, about once a month. On Wednesday Ted denied the accusations, and denied even meeting Mike! Now during this time it is only common that the church and church leaders would stand up against these accusations and fight for their pastor and leader of whom they so dearly love.... little did they know...

As of yesterday, Ted told camera's that he had bought the drug from Mike and that he had met him before, yet only to get a "massage." He Denies having sex with with Mike but admits that he had seen him, bought the drugs, but had never actually taken the drug in his ;ife. He brushed it off saying " I was tempted."

Now I do not intend to judge Ted in anyway, yes I have my feelings and opinions about him in this matter but I would just like to point out, once again, the biggest problem with christianity. Hypocrosy! Yes, I may be singling out christianity but if you honestly look at many other relgions, they dont go far off what they preach. Hence the reason so many of these relgious people are frowned upon for being too "radical" in their beliefs. Yet christianity's biggest problem, through out the ages, has been the fact that it has never practiced what it preaches.

If God is so powerful and is "able to keep you from falling" and "God;s grace is sufficient then why do cases like this always happen? In the catholic church, molestation has become a big con cern because many priests are being caught out with pornographic matarial and even sexual relations with childern! It has been noted that one third of all priests and nuns are confessing to having homosexual tendencies!

Please do not misundertand me and think that I am condeming homosexual relations. As a christian I would have different opinions on the matter but I do not feel I can judge in this area. You cannot stop what the heart feels. The very fact that Ted preaches against it in church and publicly is the problem. This has been Mike's main motive , the fact that Ted has had homosexual relations with him (up until august this year!) yet still stands up and fights against it, hurts and angers him.

This incident falls deeper with that fact that Ted actually lied about this, why? Has pride and status swallowed him whole that he does not even stand for his own values and the morals and values of God. Where to now? A 14000 member congregation are without their shepard. This is now similar to the experience that I have had, yet it wasnt a pastor , it was God. Where everything you trust and feel, you put your life into this being, only to find out it was all a lie!

Where to now is what I ask. Who do you trust? Do you even trust in God. God couldn't even keep his own from temptation. Maybe the reason why christianity is so popular is because it is the most manipulative religion. It shows people how to live the same life without sacrificing your pleasures(sin)

The church needs a wake up call, because if God exists, they may one day find themselves standing with the goats and not the sheep on judgement day. They may be experiencing the warth of God

Anyway... Just a thought!

Just an Update

2006-10-31T13:24:00.000+02:00

Hey Guys

I apologise for not having blogged in a while, due to the fact that I have started a new job and therefore my time has become very strained and battle to find enough hours in the day. I do not have much to say really but I just thought Id write in and mention a few things that are happening at the moment.

For starters I am really enjoying the new job, and people who know me will know that it has been far too long since I had a decent job. I used to work at spur, pulling 90 hours a week as a manager. Impossible to some, but I enjoyed the job and learned a lot, the problem was the hours and I missed my weekends, public holidays, holiday etc. I then moved onto a video shop while helping manage steers and debonairs, which I absoloutly hated! Once again , I just wanted decent hours.

Finally I have started at Alpine motors in pinetown and I have been enjoying it as I work until 5 , Monday to Friday, I now have my weekends and public holidays off which I haven’t had In a long time now.

Today Carla turned 21. I took her out to Ciao Itallia last night and I must say that must have been the best food I have had at a restaurant for a long time! It was a Monday night so to say the ambience was amazing and the shop setup great would be a bit hard to say. At the time we went there were about 3 tables . Now this might seem nice to some but personally I think the atmosphere is lost in this. I mean we had a old guy sitting 2 tables away, dining by himself. Now I hate it when people do that because what they do is that they have to sit there and watch everyone else in the restaurant , and if possible, listen to their conversations. Now I could see sometimes he would listen to us and it got a bit annoying for me. I gave Carla her present at the table and he had to sit there and watch her while she opened it. Anyway he left before our main meal so I relaxed a bit then.

Carla is having drinks at her place tonight with a few family friends so will be having a few drinks then and some shooters and then she will be having her 21st party on Saturday. Drinks are provided so I made the decision to drink and just have fun as I have not had a good few drinks in a long time. To think of it, it has been almost 3 months since I’ve been out to a club, besides the exception of hitting burn on their closing night, which didn’t last long.

I will be going to bible study for the first time on Thursday in about a year. To be honest I don’t really know what Im expecting in going and don’t really know why I intend to go. I think in one sense I want to get into discussion on various topics, in another sense I think I a bit of curiosity, to see what may come out of it in me. One part of me wants to get saved again and be Christian, another part of me still rips it all to shreds. So you could almost say I am going against what I am standing for. Anyway, will see what happens

Anyway, I cant really talk as I am at work so will update soon.

Cheers

The award goes to TBN - For screwing with our heads!

2006-10-20T00:14:00.000+02:00

Hey guys

So today Carla and I have been going out for 2 months and I am really happy I am with her. I took her out for dinner to butchers block, not the fanciest but it was her prefered choice. I was happy. I must say I am realy impressed with the place, it has been the third time I have been there, and besides the food taking longer than the norm, it has been an enjoyable experience. Now the sort of restuarant it is you mustn't expect you meal in 5 minutes, but it is more about the ambience and the experience of the restuarant. The prices are reasonable I guess looking at what you would pay at "lower class" restuarants and altogether it was an enjoyable evening.

I do not intend on talking about my day in this blog but rather on a subject more interesting. Now if any of you have stumbled across channel 77 you might find yourself watching various preachers such as the all famous Benny Hinn or John Hagee on the Trinity Broadcasting Network(TBN). You WILL within the 20 minutes, be asked to give some sort of pledge, donation or offering. You will see adverts where if you donate a certain amount of money, you will get various products offered by the fabulous TBN home shopping network. You may even be lucky to join their "exclusive" membership all depending on how much money you are willing to give.

Now please note, that this does not depend on how much you are able to give in proportion to your income, but rather just how much it costs. Now I always thought, according to scripture , a person was to give 10% back to God known as tithings. I have never read anywhere that you were only beneficial or important if you could donate a certain amount of money. I never thought God "classed" people into various groups such as rich and poor. Now what TBN will do is that in order for them to keep running the show and making a profit, they will offer you a small bottle of "anointed oil" so that you can go and bless house, perform exorcisms and God only knows what else! Since when did I need TBN's special anointing for the ministry. Do they have a secret ingredient in their prayer, or in the oil. Do they use sunflower oil or Olive oil? Maybe you can tell me Paul Crouch. Obviously the TBN leaders are WAY more anointed than the ordinary christian. I mean, God does tend to have his special few.

Please tell me, so that I can get some sleep at night, why do you ask for offerings, but you are "giving" things away? That defeats the whole object. People dont give the money to you solely because they are doing the will of God, but rather to get something in return! "Give me 20$ and we will give you this amazing , leather bound book entitled "the something or other of God" book, send us your money now!". Let me order off Verimark at the same time!

Now let me step onto the next stone. In the events of TBN, all speakers will have a time of prayer towards the end, thanking God of how the gospel is being spread to the whole world. They will start to pray for people around the world through the TV. Now you and me sitting at home will start to sit up in amazement as we here them say "there is someone wiht a back problem, I just feel the Holy spirit moving in and soothing your back, you are now healed." Wow! Great! Then you sit back and say to yourself, "did that really happen to someone?" I mean how many people have a sore back who are watching the program. So everyone with the sore back sits up and takes note. Some may have a slipped disk, others are paralised, i dont know? They sit and watch and pray along, closing their eyes, believing in what is being said, and behold , nothing happens. You lose faith but carry on your way thinking to yourself that it wasn't for you, but someone else. Yeah ok, where is that person?

Ok , lets move on to the subject of miracles and I think I will speak about the whole issue surrounding the Benny Hinn ministries and other similar events , even on a smaller scale such as youth camps and rallies. Now in this I will even talk form personal experience. Lets watch Benny Hinn as he pulls over the biggest mind fuck of all time. Lets combine the ingredients for the perfect mind fuck

The Mindfuck

Create a sense of calm by playing soothing music - A choir always works well

Start to babble in an unknown(fake) language so that no one understand what your saying

As you babble, begin to sing in a monotonous tone while repeating .

Mix 1,2 and 3 together

Now an important ingredient - The lighting, dim the lights, dark shades of blue and purple

Let this bake for roughly 20 mins, bake at consitant, but increasing intensity

Add a few sprinkles of highly emotional people around the room to add flavor

There you have it the mindfuck, a perfectly unhealthy psychological treat for the ignorant

In all seriousness though. People, do you have to be so stupid. Go on a youth camp, what do they do during prayer? Turn the lights down, you change the pitch of your voice, increasing and decreasing in volume. You have soothing music playing the backround. Leaders would be standing around whispering prayers, some shouting out "thank you Jesus". This hightens emotion. People would cry, you get lazy in your legs and your eyes begin to get heavy, you are getting sleepy..... Recognize the last passage. Its hypnoses, well done Benny Hinn, well done Tbn, youth leaders, YWAM, Reinhard Bonke, you have all been able to make the perfect Mindfuck, trust me, Ive been there and done it.

A secret. If your a youth leader and you dont know why your guys never respond to ministry or worship. Try this formulae, it actually works. Whenever I saw our youth was not responding to worship, I would switch the lights off and have the only light source being the overhead projector, amazing what such an "unspiritual, wordly thing" can do to change worship!

Now I think one of the last things to touch is the whole thing on the gift of knowledge. Now this gift is used to speak into another persons life about what they are going through or have been through. It is not prophecy as prophecy is a word from God , word of knowedgle is like the perons life has just become an open book and you are able to read it.

Now my problem with so many people when using this gift is that they actually just dont have it. I remember sitting in church countless times and having the person stand and say "someone is going through a bad time" Like come one people, in a group of a 100 people there is bound to be someone who can relate with that. Or they use rejection, past hurts, etc etc. You cast a hook and your bound to catch a fish.There is nothing different between you and Jonothan Edwards and these other phony psychic readers!

Finnaly I intend to touch on the Holy Spirit, this breaths authority and confusion. The largest cause of division between chrisitans in the church. Lets got through the list of interest on different topics that could be delved into on the holy spirit

Slain in the Spirit
Tongues
Interpretation of Tongues
Prophecy
Word of Knowledge
Healing
Wisdom
Faith
Miricales
Distinguishing between spirits
Jerking
Singing
Seeing Gold Dust
Baptism of the spirit
Beig Filled with the Spirit
Behaving like animals in the spirit

Now some of these may seem really strange but these are just a few of the ideas or controversies involved in this. In revivals many of these became rampant in usually started destroying a revival when things got "overdone" Now one of the most comical things I have seen is on Benny Hinn, when during his "hypnoses" went "fire on the choir" in a deep voice raising in his hand to them, they all collapsed! Whats interesting is that they were all holding hands so if one went down they took you aswell. The problem with human nature is that very few people dont want to feel left out or be "different" so they will go along. If you watch a lot of these "fallings" on TBN you will see most people are holding hands so if your in an emotional state you will go down with them!

Theres a story of an experitment done with 10 people. They had 3 different lengths of rope and everyone was to choose the longest. Now they told 9 of the ten to choose the second longest. When it came down to the test, as was planned all 9 chose the second longest as being the longest. Now slowly number 10 raised his hand along with the others. This was done a second time with the same result. When questioned he said "not everyone can be wrong."

Anyways, i do not intend to debunk the workings of christianty or the workings of the Holy Spirit. Truthfully, I am just tired of people being screwed over by people placed in these positions of authority, who are in your face with God and the general workings of the spirit. They sit and accuse but I sit and accuse you of your behaviour. You are not scriptural and this whole thing has become nothing but a publicity parade and the only person in the spotlight is not God but the workers of TBN

Maybe I will get hate comments after this but I dont really care, I put up with it for long enough and I know my feelings are shared by many others.

Anway people, it is now 1:30 am, sweet dreams

The infinite possibilities in a finite life

2006-10-18T22:51:00.000+02:00

Hey guys

It has been a long day for me. Personally this whole "leave" thing bores me to death rather than excite me. I think the reason for leave is so that you "leave" the place your in and go away on holiday instead of hanging around like and idiot, while the rest of the world works. Anyway, this time gives me the chance to work threough some thoughts, one thing I have been thinking a lot about is the fact that I will never be able to repeat what I have done in life.

Now lets put aside all theology here. Lets for a moment assume that there is no such thing as reincarnation. There is no such thing where you can repeat life. As a matter of fact to suggest a God in this equation would prove nothing because what I want to talk about is concerned with the "now". The past cannot be changed, and you can only make limited decisions with your present.

For example, I cannot decide to change partners for my matric dance. I cannot take back the 4 years I spent in the ministry serving God. I cannot change my Matric marks. This has all been done. Now there are only certain choices I can make in the present, based on how my past affected the future. For example, I cannot walk into a Bcom job because I dropped out of Varsity College 4 years ago.

Now please understand me on what I want to talk about. I do not consider myself a person who sits in regret over the things I have, or haven't done. This frame of thought just merely opens up way of thinking to see clearer the options that lie before me. Let me begin by trying to show what you will NEVER experience again. It is done, gone, finished, which ever way you like to look at it, it will never happen again. You had your chance, you either blew it or succeeded. You had a good time or it was a complete embarresment. It was something you wish you could change, or it was something that you thought played out perfectly, all we know, that memory will never change.

Here are a few examples:

Your first day at school, your primary school career, senior primary, high school! How did you act. What sort of person were you like. When you talk about this certain thoughts and memories will pop into your head. How would you have changed things. Would you have studied more/less? Gone out more/less? Who would you have chosen to/not to hang around at school? What would you have changed about your self.

Your Matric dance. I know for me I wish I could just have had another partner as the one I went with just annoyed me the whole night. What did you wear? What did/didnt you do that night. I know for me I never drank based purely on the fact that I was christian.

Your studies? Would you have chosen to go to a university, get a tertiary education, or would you have chosen to go straight into the business world. Would you have rather gone overseas and worked when you left school? Or would you have prefered to have taken a break?

Jobs, there may have been bad decisions and good decisions that you have made in jobs, or in choosing the jobs.

Friends, the people who I hung around with. Think about the fun times you had. Special days you had that you just cannot take away. You will never experience that again.

You will never experience being young again. Being a kid, doing what you want , when you want. Not caring about what other people think. Now some people are adults and are still like this and it amazes me how you choose to waste that heap of flesh that you like to call you and wste everyone elses, time, energy and oxygen.

Anyway, I just gave a few points. I dont really know what I am trying to get at in all of this but maybe the fact that life feels so long , but when you stop and think what we have been through or what we have come through, you suddenly realise how far we have come. Now we all know where we started as we all have a date of birth, or date of conception, but none of us know when that date ends. When we expire.

If we knew our expiry dates I think we would live life a lot differently. I think most people would take up the "I just dont care anymore" attitude because it has dawned on them that they are going to die. We had a beginning and we have an end. For some , you will live to see a hundred, some 80, some 60, for some you might only see tonights sunset , and tomorrows sunrise will never come, because your number is up.

It makes me think, do I live to work or work to live. Whe you look at life this way it makes you wonder if doing all of this is worth the effort. What if the day you get your degree you die from a heart attack. Or you work so hard to get to the top, destroying your marriage, and when you get there you die. Makes you think twice about what you worry about in life doesn't it?

Anyway, just a few ramblings I decided to throw at you. Feel free to comment so that I may know what you think

Cheers people
Its been two months for Carla and I today, now I always said to myself I will never do the whole "month" thing but Im just really stoked. Anyways

Have A good day

All is fair in Love and War

2006-10-18T10:08:00.000+02:00

Hey guys

Ive delayed this post for quite a while and I want to post it now seeing that things have settled down in my life and things for some reason are actually picking up. I have just got a new job at Alpine Motors in which ill be starting on the 23rd of this month. So I am on leave for a week and a half. Salary increase. My car is payed off in December in which I will have more money on top of the inncrease in salary. I can then start paying off my debts on my credit card, overdraft and garage card. Then the best thing to happen to make me change my outlook on life would have to be Carla, my new girlfriend.

Now I do not like to assume I know the future and speak in terms of marriage and love, but Carla has really helped me in many ways. She has made me happy and just over all want to be a better person. Now in some sense , before I met Carla, I did not believe in love , nor did I ever think I would get married. Based purely on the fact that I just never see it work now days and wonder, with the divorce rate, wether love really exists. I do not believe in soul mates, because I just think if that plan was supposed to work, someone, or a few people have already fucked up everyone's soulmates.

Now this is the story on how we met. Now many of you may know, through past blogs, that I do not agree with the general ruling that if your friend "likes" a girl, then she is hands off. I do not believe that you should chase after the girl, but rather I speak in terms that if she likes someone, who are you to stop that.

Now this is the case. My friend stuart( probably my best friend as we have been friends for 9 years) had met Carla at some offices, he was doing a job on the computers. Now I wont go into detail on how events played out, but they decided to see other. This was not an official thing, lets just say the stages of coffee, dinner, movies, etc. Now we all decided to go to the ice rink. I invited stuart and he said he was going to bring carla. Now I have not met her before. Well they arrived and I met her. I thought she was really cute and pretty, but it was stuarts "girl" so I obvioously didnt do anything besides being friendly. We chatted on and off during the evening but the night came to an end, we said goodbye and that was it.

About a week later Stuart came over to my house and we had a big argument because he said that I was going after her and that I was flirting with her that night. Now this can be confirmed by bystanders that I was my normal self, and that I was not flirting in any way but that it is the way I normally am. I am extroverted and outgoing and always have fun with new people. But I did not spend an inordinate amount of time with her. Anyway, the argument was laid to rest but there was still tension.

Later on he told me that she was admitted to hospital for certain reasons but he was not seeing so much of her anymore. Eventually they stopped seeing each other. They never went out nor kissed. It was something that just wasn't meant to happen. Anway, at the time I was working at the video shop and I remeber Carla coming in once with her mom to get a dvd. So I sort of remembered the surname and address. A few weeks later, while carla was still in hospital, her mom came in to get a dvd. Now when she was getting the dvd through me I asked her casually if she was "Carla's mom" and that she must tell Carla I say hi. So she did.

A few weeks later Carla walked past the shop and waved hello to me outside. This happened frequently where she would come into the shop to say hi, we would chat a bit and that would be it. Eventually I plucked up the corouge to ask her for her number. Now it had been about 3 months since her a stuart had seen each other so I thought it would be fine. She gave me her number and she asked for mine.

Now I had made a concious decision not to run ahead of my self but just to ask her for coffee sometime. I had asked a few times but everytime something was up. I decided there and then that this might not even turn into friendship. I tried not to be the first to sms but I was lucky in that sense because she would sms me first. A good sign. We were then able to meet at mug and bean for a cup of bottomless hot chocolate. It was fun and I enjoyed. I believe we saw each other the following night. She was housesitting her aunts house in durban that saturday and she asked if I would like to come over and watch a dvd. I gladly accepted!

This carried on for about 2 weeks when, while chatting on sms I told her how I felt about her and how my feelings are greater than friendship. She smsed back with a similar response and that we would "chat tomorrow". Well tomorrow(a tuesday) came, I went and bought a rose and went to her place after work that night. We chatted a bit that night without raising the subject. Then while I was walking to car I pulled out the rose and gave it to her and asked if she would go out with me. To my shock she declined! My heart skipped a beat. She said she had past hurts and other things. She said not yet. I said ok , gave her a hug and drove away speechless. The next few days were very dim, trying to figure this out. She came over to my house on the friday night and I talked to her about it. We chatted for a while discussing everything and eventaully she said ok, lets give this a try.

Now I am a very insecure guy, so the fact it still took a bit of convincing didnt make me entirely happy and I was afraid she would break up with me the next day. But it has been great ever since. We have our arguments now and again but I am happy and I know she is. We have seen each other every day since we have gone out. Tomorrow the 19th is our 2 months. As short as this may sound it feels a lot longer because we see each other so much.

She has changed my perspectives and has made me want to be a better person!

Anyway, Stuart and I havent really spoken in a while. He has a girlfriend, but I have a feeling that this might have messed things up a bit. We talk now and again. I just will never understand what I would have been thinking if I knew that this is the way things would have turned out, and never tried! I think the thing is that I didnt really have to try, she was there and things naturally brought everything together. I dont believe in "meant to be" or "fate" but in some sense I do think something is working everything out for the better.

anyways, chate later people

Updates

2006-10-17T23:53:00.000+02:00

Hey Guys

Just got through all my blogs from myspace so please take a look through them if you havent already. There is a lot of writings on religion that you may enjoy... or not

Anyway, will try my best to blog often and stretch your mind and mine.

Enjoy your day

First blog on blogger

2006-10-17T15:26:00.000+02:00

Hey

So this is the first blog I am posting on this site. I have done other blogs on the all famous "myspace" but to be honest the site has become an annoyence. The other problem with me being my lazy self, it is too much hassle to keep it up to date. Now in one sense I will be losing a lot of veiwers of those blogs by doing this but hopefully it wont take long before they stumble to this site.

If you need to check out my other blogs just go here to check out my other site. I might decide to just transfer my other blogs over to this site and get rid of the myspace site altogether.

Just a bit about me. I intend to use this site as a diary so that people can understand what i see and feel about the world about me. Yet most topics I will discuss will be on relgion and generally what I see wrong with the world around me. I am not the most excited person in life and in all honesty I am a pessimist. I try to convince myself that I am a realist but I tend to wonder sometimes with my outlook on life.

I am not very excited about life and tend to see a rather dismal future. I am tired of trying to convince my self of something better but in the end everything works out the same. I have tried religion and it did not work. I have tried friends and they will always let you down. Nothing in life is ever stable. Now I have passsed the stage of "cut my wrists" and give up on life, but have rather just accepted that this is life. If it gets better it just makes things more bearable. If Im waking up in the morning I just find things to make life more bearable. Things have become a lot easier that way. It has become too hard to change my outlook and motivate myself. I am tired of ups and downs. This way has tended to work.

I hope through these blogs some of you may gain insight to who I am and maybe I am able to make you see things you never even thought of.

Anways, you will find a testimony of my deconversion from Christianity here. I think it is better before you start to read my blogs that you see where I came from and what I have been through. Many people seem to think that I have not touched "real" christianity or that I lack understanding, but people who knew me knew what I went through, and that it was a difficult thing to throw away.

Anyway, thanks .

In a Dream

2006-10-05T23:51:00.000+02:00

The light is bright , it shines so bright that from behind, my body is glowing red, just like when you put a torch over your hand. It is judgement day, everyone who was and ever lived, are hanging around, most in but a state of shock and awe. For some , they are still confused and are trying to figure out what is going on, while a few have figured out what has happened and are either in an extreme state of ecstacy, or a there is a strong sense of fear in some who come to realise what is happening. In this state, you try your best to deny what is happening and convince your mind otherwise, but deep down you cannot escape the fact that you are no longer in "life" anymore, but rather something in between.

As people come to realise what is happening, it is not the realisation that they are dead that scares or shocks them, but rather that there is something after. As I look around I see the look on peoples faces. The state that you remain in is so overwhelming that you do not even worry about who you recognise and even those who were family members. I see people that had passed away many years before I was even born. Every murderer, every rapist, every president, every rock star, every movie star, every king. Ghandi, Buddha, every great leader that ever lived stood there. Old egyption kings stood in shock, Hitler and Napoleon stood there. Everyone who ever lived stood there, speechless, mouths open, unable to move. Yet among such famous people, no one took a second look at them. For one moment everyone was in caught up in the own state of affairs. One question pressing upon everyones minds "What happened?"
From this bright light came a trumpet sound, louder than what the human ear can bear. Piercing into the souls of everyone. This trumpet sound carried a breath of authority, which ripped and hacked at any ego or "mask" that covered the person. You stood there naked, bear, nothing was hidden from everyone else. Everything I did was in some sense known by everyone else. It was a weird horrible feeling.
At the same time as this trumpet sounded there was a loud whistle and a storm grew over our heads while thunder broke out and lighting struck in every direction every split second. As this was happening, Angels came flying forward in robes some smaller , childlike angels , which "played around" in the air turning and diving and ducking. While larger mightier angels, with great wings dressed in robes moved forward encircling every area around us. Some flew down among us and landed with a mighty "thud" as their feet touched the floor. Some people screamed at this moment while others started to cry. Even the hardest person could not hold back tears. I remember going to the ground to try and gain balance through this whole episode.
Just then, everything quietened down, the clouds subsided and out came the stars. By the millions, by these stars it shone brighter than the day, and in a differemt array of colours. Purples, blues, yellows and greens. These were the colours of these stars. There were colours never even seen before, Impossible to the human mind but colours there that were there that have never been seen before. This glowed everywhere. The a voice came out, it was impossible to not know who it was. It carried authority and majesty, it made your heart melt but at the same time it struck fear into you. It was now time for judgement to be passed!

So great was this God that he was able to judge people personally and all at the same time. There was no lining up or waitng for turns. No one could therefore delay the time they had before theu would be cast into heaven or hell. Yet one by one, everyone was judged. You stood there while God spoke to you personally. It is like a portrait. No matter which side you were sitting in the room, the picture always looked at you! This is how it was. There in front of you your life began to play. It went through everything you ever did. At the same time your thoughts were being played out. The amazing thing is that you could understand, see and remeber it all. You didnt miss anything. You could concentrate on it all. I started to cry as it was being revealed. Showing some scenes in my life where I was hurt, and rejected, even when I was happy and laughing. First day at school, first girlfriend, first kiss, best friends, best times, favorite songs. Times where you felt alone and someone close to you comforted you. I saw nights where I cried myself to sleep at night. Nights where I just wished I would die. Nights where I prayed and nothing happened. In all of this God would show me where he actually was there. That when I cried myself to sleep, his angels would sit next to my bedside, and dry my tears, this would be the time I could fall asleep. He showed me that while I slept, he would speak to me while I was dreaming. That I actually would talk to him and experience him in everyway. He showed me where he told me in m,y dream " This is real, but you will never remember it, I am here everynight you sleep, just to keep you believing." He was there , I just never knew it.
Everything that ever happened to me, there was an angel visible, doing something, if I was crying, he was comforting me, if I wanted to do he would encorouge me otherwise. If I was happy he would laugh. When I lost faith, he cried, because I turned my back on him.
Its was then time, after the movie was played before my eyes, time to make the decision on which was I would be going. Eternity in joy and happiness, where the streets are paved with gold. A place where dreams may come true. In this place, you are able to create your own "world". I see my place hidden among mountains, close to a painting. A sunset over the horizen, at the opposite side of the sky there would be stars of all colours. Moons of all shapes and sizes. a storm in the distance with lighting and thunder. I would walk along these mountains divided by running streams and come to a beach. The sand golden, the water light blue, calm. A gentle breeze blowing. The moon massive , half way over the horizen, lighting up anything it sees. I would spend time with friends who joined me in this place. We would visit each others worlds while at the same time worshipping God. We would never get tired of eternity because everyday there was more experienced which made each new day greater and more exciting than the day before.
Or,,,,
Would I be cast aside, joined by multitudes of others who rejected God in there lifetime. I stand there as the earth opens up beneath me. I scream out to God to take my hand and lead me home. Just as I start to fall I see God's turn his back towards me as I see him dissapear from my view as I fall down. I begins to get hot by my feet. I begin to join in the screaming with others around me. People grab onto each other as they fall. In your heart there is this realisation that there is now no way of turning back or changing anything. You will never get another chance. The pain and heat begins to become unbearable, you have now fallen so far it is now black, it truly is the absence of any light what so ever. It gets hotter and hotter, you see people again below you as they begin to ignite. You feel your feet crackle and then ignite. You scream to God, but you know in vain. There is a glow below you, it grows. The smell of burnt flesh pinches your nostrils suddenly you hit this liquid like fire, you fall deep into this liquid. You feel it burn right through you, you feel it run through your veins. The pain is unbearable, but you do not sink into an unconsciouce state, it grows and escalates. I swim upwards only to be greeted with deafening screams from everyside. You cannot breath, you cannot think, you cannot do anything! You swim and swim, nothing to stand on, nothing to hold onto! People grab onto you and dunk you under but you push them away. Then suddenly I feel a force rip my body apart into pieces and put back together. I could barely mutter a moan of agony before it happened again. This fire had a mind of its own. I began to realise that it had a only been a few seconds since the decision was made , and that I had to suffer an eternity of this. Forever and undending agonising pain.
I sat there, quiet, scared. Waiting as a a book was opened to check for my name. I saw the angel look down the list. He paged through, moments later. He stopped. He closed the book. Looked up at me. Had he stopped on my name? Or had he stopped because there were no more names? I sat back, praying with all my heart, even though I knew now it wouldnt help. He looked at me with a stern face and said ......

Thoughts on my backslidden State

2006-09-29T23:56:00.000+02:00

Hey Guys
I have been in a lot of discussions on religion lately and a lot of thoughts have come to mind while chatting to people. Do not assume that these chats have had the negative influence on me but have been somewhat positive and have actually made me think about my reasons for why I have become the way I am. In some sense try to understand.
The reason for my title is that I feel that that I have narrowed it all down to this one topic. The transforming experience. The experience by which the person has absoloutly no doubt they they are sons and daughters of God. That they experience the love of God in their heart and every worry and doubt shrinks away. The transformation that can only be done by experiencing God.
I intend to show how cannot be done(this may be in my view givent the nature of my heart)
Firstly this transforming process cannot come about miracles. People speak of miracles and try to use it to convert souls , yet people need to understand that this does not work. I had a chat with a close friend the other day and spoke about what would convince him God exists. He said if he see an amputees limb grow back. Now this may be a shocking experience but end of the day it does not transform the heart to serve God, but rather believe there is something greater than what the eye can see.
I asked if this would convert him to christianity, he said no. Do not try and convince a person there is a God. It is unfruitfull. Conversion does not come about by what a person sees, but it should quite frankly, be an experience or revelation upon the heart, it should be felt. Now I do not mean happy or the normal emtions, but rather and experience or an emotion that dwells within the heart that supercedes all natural emotion and/or logic.
The problem with my state of affairs is that I do not deny the existance of God, or of Jesus for a matter of fact. That I do believe in the christian religion through my studies and what not. Yet I sit here unable to recieve Gods love. An it brings me to 2 conlcusions
1)I am unwilling to recieve it - Which means that I am happy in my state of sin. Seeing that it is the easier road taken because I do not fight against what is know as "the sinful nature" If we all should posses this, it is as though I am trying to be something I am not. That I do not have the strength, nor the will to accept God based purely on the fact that there is not enough to make me want to leave this state. Now maybe God is reaching for me and has sent the "hounds of heaven" after me constantly drawing me back, which causes all this frustration. In this state I try to convince myself that God does not exists s that I walk in life without the thought of God in my mind.
or
2) God's is not willing to give - By this I mean that he chooses not to share his grace and love with me.In this I bring into the whole theology of predestination, which is much discussed inscripture. That in some what I am used in Gods plan, but in order for his plan to be implemented, people have to go to hell. I use Judas as an example of such a person. Jesus knew that Judas would betray him. Now if Judas did not betray him we would not have someone to die for our sins, therefore still be continually dead in our sin. Then people say to me "maybe God knew he was never going to be save". If that is so why did God in all his love and power, let Judas be born. I do not intend to delve into my whole problem with choice, you can read it in one of my blogs. This causes anger and bitterness in my heart towards God, based purely on the fact that I could never experience his love or be saved because I was here to get others saved, but it had to be that I would bever enter his kingdom, just so that his will may be done.
I could continue all day but to round everything off. It is not a matter of "if" in the whole equation. I do not deny that God exists but rather I feel very inclined into latter part of my blog, where by I do not feel Gods love and deduct it to the fact that He has not chosen to reveal it to me.
Anyway, will chat more soon

What it is to burn...God's Rights - To be served, because you were created by him

2006-09-26T23:57:00.000+02:00

Hey People
After recent inquiries and discussions with various people on the topic of religion I have decided on longer serving or intend to serve a God of such a nature as the Christian God. Due solely to the fact that I hope to find a bit of a God that I might enjoy to get to know and want to know.
Instead I have found myself pushed away from God and find the whole matter a bit repulsive. God is someone now, who I have come to understand, does not care what the thoughts of his creation are, but merely on the fact that we are there to serve him and nothing else.
Why would I want to be in love with a God such as this? What has he done for me? What do i have to do for him? Accept him? Give my life to him?Why? I have nothing but anger and hatred in my heart for HIm. Yet I must, selfishly might I add, lay down everything and serve him just to attain hevaen? That I must serve him wholly and no other, deny all that is within me and force my self to love a God with an attitude such as this.
I do not, in anyway, understand why a creator needs to demand as much respect and loyalty such as this God! Is he so insecure that he needs to condem his own creation to everlasting torment just because they refuse to follow him. What happened to unconditional love? Is God so selfish that he would threaten us with hell just so we would choose him? Does God hate his creation so much that they must burn in hell rather than be with him.
Where is God? Where was he when I would cry my self to sleep? Where was he when I lay on my knees by my bedside? Where was he when I was all alone and cried to God for Love? Where was he when I would preach on how glorious he was, yet at the same time I just longed to know that fact? He was never there.
We all talk of emtion, that it is not us, but all due to God. Why? When does God suffer, when does he hurt? He layed down the laws end of the day. He determined where our boundries are! God this is your fault! Will you be on trial on judgement day? No? Why? Because your always innocent! No matter how many people are hurt or thrown into hell, you have the right because you are my creator. I must accept one day that when you throw me into hell, it was all just and for your glory!
How do you love a person or being like this? a God who hedges you in at every point! Who does not see you worthy for heaven or for his time! Oh wait... lets talk about Jesus! 32 years out of Gods eternity he gave for us! 32 years and suddenly that gives God a right to have everyone serve him. Jesus did not heal my pain. He maybe took my sin as far as theology goes, but he did not heal my hurt and pain, which was all I wanted end of the day.
God is a hypocrite. He tells everyone that these are the fruits of the spirit, yet he holds none of these fruits! He does everything against what he teaches, and I must follow him solely because because he is my creator.
I do not know how a person can do such a thing, and I wonder if you know what it really means to burn. Do not think that 5 years in the ministry, doing missionary work, preaching , training to be a minister, studying theology, being a youth leader was thrown away so easily,. It takes a lot for someone to do it. Do not think it will never happen to you, because I never did!