Flashbacks

Hi There

I know its been a long time. Well a lot has been up. Just thought I would drop a small comment.

Those of you who have read through my blogs would know the road I have walked.

Well I was just browsing on the internet and accidently stumbled across a post I made about 3 years ago. It is my testimony on my "deconversion"

I thought an update was due. You can see the original site here.

Here is what I posted, just to give you guys a picture about where I am at the moment.

"Hey, to anyone thats reads this.

This this Mark Fouche, the one that posted this testimony. I probably did this about 2-3 years ago.

Thanks to ALL your responses, they all made some contribution in my life.Just to keep you on the update, its been a LONG road. I mean things just didnt stop where I thought I might have wanted it to!

My thoughts and doubts and faith didnt stop , it carried on and my mind became even more boggled. There was a time where i became very indifferent of everything and couldnt care but it did not last long.I tried going to church a few times again, yet everytime I went I struggled and I could not listen to the preacher because I almost felt like he didnt know what he was talking about.

I tried reading my bible but then my logic would step back in and would break it down.

I could not resort to athiesm, something inside of me stil creates this burning for something more.

In some sense I have the feeling that I am missing something, almost like there is something not clicking into place. It is that same feeling that you have when you have forgotten the name of a song and you cannot remember it. You try and forget it but it bugs you the whole day. Its like your so close to finding it out you cannot just put it aside.

Something is wrong somewhere and I dont know what it is. I fear the fires of hell everyday yet my mind convinces me that God cannot exist. I am in such turmoil.I am becoming even more aware about how much shorter my life is looking.

Life does not seem an eternity anymore, it feels so delicate that it could disappear any minute.Im not back in church, I dont know if im christian, ive forgoten all the teachings but still know what matters.

I dont really know what to say."