Hi There
I know its been a long time. Well a lot has been up. Just thought I would drop a small comment.
Those of you who have read through my blogs would know the road I have walked.
Well I was just browsing on the internet and accidently stumbled across a post I made about 3 years ago. It is my testimony on my "deconversion"
I thought an update was due. You can see the original site here.
Here is what I posted, just to give you guys a picture about where I am at the moment.
"Hey, to anyone thats reads this.
This this Mark Fouche, the one that posted this testimony. I probably did this about 2-3 years ago.
Thanks to ALL your responses, they all made some contribution in my life.Just to keep you on the update, its been a LONG road. I mean things just didnt stop where I thought I might have wanted it to!
My thoughts and doubts and faith didnt stop , it carried on and my mind became even more boggled. There was a time where i became very indifferent of everything and couldnt care but it did not last long.I tried going to church a few times again, yet everytime I went I struggled and I could not listen to the preacher because I almost felt like he didnt know what he was talking about.
I tried reading my bible but then my logic would step back in and would break it down.
I could not resort to athiesm, something inside of me stil creates this burning for something more.
In some sense I have the feeling that I am missing something, almost like there is something not clicking into place. It is that same feeling that you have when you have forgotten the name of a song and you cannot remember it. You try and forget it but it bugs you the whole day. Its like your so close to finding it out you cannot just put it aside.
Something is wrong somewhere and I dont know what it is. I fear the fires of hell everyday yet my mind convinces me that God cannot exist. I am in such turmoil.I am becoming even more aware about how much shorter my life is looking.
Life does not seem an eternity anymore, it feels so delicate that it could disappear any minute.Im not back in church, I dont know if im christian, ive forgoten all the teachings but still know what matters.
I dont really know what to say."
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
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3 comments:
This seems to be more of a conversation between me and you than a blog...! Haven't been to your site since last year some time and today, I'm here. Strange, hey? Heard a sermon today that reminded me of several testimonies that I've heard, only this one was first hand. Our pastor was by the bed side of a Buddist friend that gave his life to Jesus on his death bed. The ex-Buddist was dying and he was screaming unearthly screams - saying that he could see the demons that were coming to try and take away his spirit to hell. Our pastor reminded him that they were powerless - that Jesus had washed him white as snow. No more sin. No more condemnation (although the devil will still try to condemn, as this man was experiencing). Now here is a Buddhist, giving his life to Jesus on his death bed - a man that has no theological belief in demons and here he is screaming about them. Wake up! Hell is real. Only Jesus can save you. It is not about what you know (as you struggle with) but who you know. Repent and believe!
Hey Mark,
I have no idea who you are, and you have no idea who I am. I was googling "how to find out what God is telling me," and I found your blog (strange). On an impulse I just thought I'd leave you a note, no real rhyme or reason.
I know what you mean about not knowing what to believe, and I'm at a point in my life where I can't turn around without having something itching at my brain. I don't know what God wants me to do, right now, but I can tell that He's given me this itch so I can scratch it. I've prayed and prayed and it feels like I'm talking to a wall, but I know that it's done something. It's made me more frustrated, more tense, more anxious (and boy, do I get anxious, even now). I feel like I'm stuck in a hamster wheel, but I know that it's not going to get better unless I do something.
I think I'm realizing as I'm writing this that maybe this is God's answer to my prayer. He wants me to delve deeper. He wants me to know why I'm doing these things. Just now, I'm remembering the Bible verses that I desperately read, trying to sort out my anxieties and asking God for help. "For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 7:8) I think God wants me to keep seeking Him, until I find what is driving me insane. God isn't going to give me the answer, because it's not really going to help me. It's almost as if I know the answer, but what I don't know is how I got there. I think God is telling me that I can't stop asking questions. I need to know Jesus, and I need to know His creation, and I need to know why.
Anyways, I don't know if this is anything new, I'm pretty much just ranting for myself, but I think I just need to keep on this track, use my resources, get opinions, get facts, not stop praying or reading my Bible (maybe something will hit me), but trust in Him above all that He will supply me with the answers I need.
I will totally pray for you, Mark, and I hope God helps us find what we're looking for.
I was interested to see that in your original testimony you said you were a Methodist charismatic preacher.
I'
ve been doing some research into the charismatic movement but I cannot find anyone who is willing to tell me about the charismatic movement in the Methodist church, and I wondered if you would mind helping me by telling me a bit about the church you were in, and where it was and what they did. If you think this will be too painful for you, I don't want to press you or anything. But it would help me a lot in my research if you would say something about it.
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